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Does your child say sorry/know what they have done?

(21 Posts)
greener2 Tue 21-May-13 19:48:17

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UnChartered Tue 21-May-13 19:53:08

sometimes, but we encourage her to talk about it afterwards, to help her to try to understand her feelings and get some insight as to if she recognises the build up herself

so far, she doesn't but she's only 5

greener2 Tue 21-May-13 19:55:31

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UnChartered Tue 21-May-13 19:57:56

there is a thread on here with links to some very good articles on girls on the spectrum, they present their autism quite differently to boys

DD has eye contact, so good at times it's invasive - she has a DX of ASD

CyrstalStar Tue 21-May-13 20:03:10

My ds has said sorry a few times but most of the time he seems to be enjoying himself and often has a half smile on his face. He just gets so cross/frustrated he can't deal with it properly. Even when i explain what he has done it goes over his head. I think they are aware of what they are doing but have no concept of the act at the time. Ds is hfa. I'm frequently sworn at, kicked, punched, objects thrown at my head, broken, etc. usually only when there is a change in activity or routine and reluctance to do something.

UnChartered Tue 21-May-13 20:10:45

DD also smiles 'inappropriately', especially if we are cross with her

we've had it explained to us that she could be doing this to prompt a smile from us, to change our mood.

she can only read happy faces, she really struggles to interpret sad/serious, so happy faces make her feel secure, not only because it's a 'nice' emotion, but it's one she understands and likes

greener2 Tue 21-May-13 20:16:32

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Handywoman Tue 21-May-13 20:19:56

My dd2, as yet undiagnosed, first offered an apology for a rage, aged 7 yrs 10 months. DH and I were gobsmacked.

She is way off beam wrt her own interpretation of her behaviour, for example with low level still-in-control anger she has been known to wonder aloud, 'was that a tantrum?' (Because she has heard the word).

greener2 Tue 21-May-13 20:34:48

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UnChartered Tue 21-May-13 20:38:57

i ask her for a hug, i never ask if she wants one from me, i think this gives her reminder she can be in control

we hug and i will say 'i can see you were really upset then' and check if she's hurt herself or broken anything (she has got quite a whack on her, and normally the doors or walls get it) and help her care for herself - again reminding her of the physical damage she is doing

we talk about if she knows why she did what she did, talk about how it's sad that she is bruised/has broken x,y,z

and then ask if she knows if which emotion she was feeling

this is on a good day

on a bad day i hide from her and just pick up the debris when she's finished

CyrstalStar Tue 21-May-13 20:50:09

After the event it usually is over and my ds is back to being his normal lovely self..then it happens again after the next trigger. We talk about anything that may be worrying him and usually its social issues and comminication at school and amazingly yesterday was one of the rare occasions I got a sorry and then he said that he just didn't understand.. Sometimes when I try to talk he just wants to tell me about his favourite computer game or latest Lego model so it's not possible. We have a worry box that ds writes things he is worried about in at night, often he asks to write something and then we talk about it. I'm not sure how I should be handling the violence, I don't get cross I just be firm and offer lots of love afterwards. I will also shorten time allowed on computer too which ds is obsessed with, literally. I don't know what's beat just yet I'm still learning. The school have referred me for some home help. This behaviour only happens at home.
I spend alot of time hiding too sometimes and flinching.
Its nice to get different takes from other parents. I hope you get to the bottom of it soon geener2.

greener2 Tue 21-May-13 21:24:13

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UnChartered Tue 21-May-13 21:28:33

have you any clue to her triggers, greener?

i keep out of the way sometimes as DDs aim is getting better sad

PolterGoose Tue 21-May-13 21:34:51

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greener2 Wed 22-May-13 07:29:39

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streakybacon Wed 22-May-13 10:00:09

I'm with PolterGoose.

Ds is 14 now (AS/ADHD) and still struggles to apologise under any circumstances, though he's encouraged to do so in a variety of ways. I think he gets embarrassed at having made a social faux pas - he's a perfectionist and hates to be in the wrong.

He doesn't have meltdowns now, hasn't for a while, but when he did I too believed that he had completely lost control so was beyond rational judgement as to what he'd done and why. In fact, when we used to analyse events afterwards, he often couldn't remember the build up to his loss of temper - he'd have a kind of emotional absence and no memory of it whatsoever, which made it very challenging to help him address his emotions and direct him towards appropriate responses. It was also difficult to role-play alternative solutions because he couldn't remember how he'd dealt with it in the first place.

In ds's case, all his meltdowns were stress-induced and since that's been under control we've made considerable progress, but tackling the causes of stress had to come first.

PolterGoose Wed 22-May-13 11:22:38

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flowwithit Wed 22-May-13 11:43:54

I agree with potter and streaky my ds is 12yrs and has always struggled to apologise he always thinks he is right and will argue his case quite well. His perspective is normally different so sometimes he just can't see he is wrong. He has grown out of his tantrums and doesn't really get physically angry now but will argue forever!
I just kept telling him I will never agree or give him what he wants when he is throwing a fit or pestering sometimes this was really difficult because he can go on and on and on....when he was younger and very difficult the only thing that worked was the loss of a sweet out of his Friday bag, mean I know but it did help even better than reward charts, because it meant something to him more than stickers or money which I also tried.

greener2 Wed 22-May-13 19:35:48

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ouryve Wed 22-May-13 19:51:47

DS1 doesn't believe in "sorry"

It's never his fault.

We focus more on picking out an aspect of the consequences of what has happened and it's effect on someone or something - discussing it as calmly as possible, however briefly, after the heat of the event has diffused, so long as it's not going to make him explode in any way - and then move on.

ouryve Wed 22-May-13 19:54:29

DS1 is 9, btw and so out of touch with his own emotions, he's roared "I'M NOT ANGRY!!!!" when we've tried to explain his feelings to him.

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