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Aibu to say that i would really want to know if my sons autism is genetic?

(18 Posts)
Toni27 Tue 21-May-13 12:16:52

I'll probably get flamed for this but i got into a chat at our local toddler group, said I'd love another baby one day, my daughter is NT my son who's younger has moderate asd. I said that if in the future there was a test available in the future to see if my sons asd was caused by genetic markers or if it was just a one off caused by something else I would have it, meaning if I carried the genes for autism I wouldn't have any more babies. Then I went away thinking I came across badly for basically saying I wouldn't risk having another autistic child. I love my son with all my heart but personally I worry so so much for his future that I couldn't go through the worry again and feel i could not cope with another asd child as well as my son. But I would love the chance to enjoy a little baby again and can't get my head around the fact I might not have more children. i feel really heartless having this attitude. If you had a child with asd did you go on to have more children and did you mind or not if they had asd?

ouryve Tue 21-May-13 12:30:21

Everyone has their own limits. Some people reach that at one NT, able bodied child, others can have a house full of children, all with various needs, thrive on it and happily add more children to the family. It's a very personal issue.

I do have two with ASD. DS2 was a baby while DS1 was going through diagnosis, and then DS2 was diagnosed almost exactly a year later. We had already reached our personal limit at 2 children, regardless of whether they had SN or not and did takes steps to prevent any more. And ASD is very obviously genetic in our family, which is one of the reasons that both boys were diagnosed young.

salondon Tue 21-May-13 12:31:51

I wouldn't risk having another autistic child. - This and the worry of finances in future is the reason we wont have another child

I don't have it in me to do this twice over.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 21-May-13 12:36:18

Both mine have autism and it's the reason we didn't have the third child we had always planned to have.

Our eldest was diagnosed at 2 and a half and our youngest by 3. I am convinced that in our case it is genetic.

For me though, it wasn't the risk of having another child with autism. It was more the risk of having one without! I have no idea how to raise an nt child. They are weird little buggers and I wouldn't know where to start! I understand autism more than nt.

We were also concerned that having another would take our time and resources away from the two we had, and their needs must come first because they are already here.

There is no right and wrong. It's simply not that black and white. Everyone must do what they feel is right for them.

yawningmonster Tue 21-May-13 12:37:09

Im not going to flame you. Ironically my ds was born with a seperate issue that we did get consultation for if it was likely to be a genetic issue (it did involve him nearly dying so was more so that proper monitors could be in place in utero) it never occured to me with dd that it would be possible that we may get the autism again which in hindsight is lunacy as I know there could be a genetic link. We did leave it almost 5 years though as I couldn't have handled another child in the preschool years regardless of being nt or autistic. Life with my children often boils down to survival and if we all survive the day then it has been a success, I suspect that if dd had been autistic that our life would still boil down to survival and to some degree the same would be true if ds had been nt...in other words I think you live the life you are given and you sink or you swim, I have chosen to doggy paddle with occasional gulps of very salty water and breif moments of floating. Anyway I am waffling but I hope it makes sense to some degree

NeedToMoan Tue 21-May-13 12:46:57

What Salandon said. I don't have it in me to do this again either. The second I twigged my son may be autistic, all plans for a third child dissolved there and then. Plus I am old!! :-) But seriously, I won't put my body through it and the effect of another child on both my two ASD or not, I can't do it. It is sad though, I would have liked a third child. If I was younger I would take the risk but another autistic child at this age would be disastrous.

Toni27 Tue 21-May-13 12:50:16

Oh thanks for replies I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way, I'm constantly riddled with worry for him I don't feel so guilty for what I said now xx

Badvoc Tue 21-May-13 12:52:18

I am not going to flame you.
I understand.
I am utterly exhausted.
I couldn't do it again.

shoppingbagsundereyes Tue 21-May-13 15:00:52

This is why I wouldn't consider a third child too. I don't think you are bad for feeling that way. You assess all risks before deciding to have a child, ASD can make life bloody hard.

DisAstrophe Tue 21-May-13 15:28:24

I have 2 would originally wanted 3. But I can't take the risk that it is genetic (and I'm too old and poor to have a 3rd anyway).

Dd and ds clearly love each other very much but my ds has quite severe lds and asd so the relationship is unequal. Sometimes I feel sad that dd (NT) wont have a sibling who is able to be a friend and support throughout her life. I'll just have to live forever grin

autumnsmum Tue 21-May-13 16:32:01

In my case it is definitely genetic between my partner and I .My dd 14 is nt but she has a different father . My younger two both have autism .had I known both were going to have autism I would have just had one child with current partner . It is incredibly hard and no one should flame you

TrucksAndDinosaurs Tue 21-May-13 16:46:31

I have one toddler just diagnosed ASD. I always thought we would have two but DS was such a terribly difficult baby (reflux / not sleeping: nursed round clock til 18mo) and I'm now 42. I think it's too late and too hard. I feel grief but also relief. I hope DS is ok as an only child. I still can't bear to give away his baby clothes.

zzzzz Tue 21-May-13 18:51:05

I would have another if I could. I have 2 with additional needs, though very different to each other. I am old and leathery though so will be content with the funny little people I have.

insanityscratching Tue 21-May-13 19:13:52

Ds with autism is my fourth child my older three are NT although ds1 has dyspraxia and ds2 is quirky and gifted, dd1 is NT anyway. Dd2 was a surprise pregnancy when ds3 was 8. I didn't want more after ds3 because he was hugely difficult to manage, didn't sleep, still in nappies, challenging behaviour etc I never thought dd would have autism as ds's autism was thought to be "just unlucky". Dd2 has autism too.
I would have liked another after dd2 because I have really enjoyed her, ds has enjoyed having a younger sibling and I like having a houseful. I didn't though because in my heart of hearts I wanted an NT child and didn't think it was fair to have another knowing I'd be disappointed if they had autism.
I'm pretty sure the autism is genetic now. Our paed advised genetic counselling for my others before they plan a family. It worries me that they too could have children with autism tbh and I would urge them to have screening if it ever becomes available.

YoniOneWayOfLife Tue 21-May-13 19:35:08

I have a simmering rage that we were reassured DC1 would grow out of the issues he was experiencing, it was just immaturity etc etc and so conceived DC4 while DC1 was in reception. Now I'm glad we have DC4 but there's no way I would have even considered it if at any point someone had said they thought there could be a possibility.

I conceived DS3 before DS2 was DXed with ASD, before I had any major concerns. DS3 is very quirky, however, but still delightful. I worried about him throughout his babyhood. His first 20 words included the numbers 1-10, he obsessed over the Teletubbies, would gather and line up red, green, yellow and blue/purple anythings (like crayons, Lego pieces etc)

I'm absolutely sure there's a hereditary genetic link with my family, or rather Ex's family. I feel sure my DS1 and DS3 will need to think long and hard before/if they have DC.

TrucksAndDinosaurs Tue 21-May-13 21:39:56

I think it is genetic (brother's son also suspected of being on spectrum but no dx) - however I'm also worried that parental age is factor. I'm now 42 and DH is 45. I was almost 40 when DS born. I think the risk not just of asd but mc, still birth and chromosomal abnormalities is too high for us to TTC again. I feel sad that all the bad stuff which happened in our 30s meant we came late to parenthood: if we were younger it might not look so challenging or scary...

DS is a beautiful blessing though: we are so joyful to have him.

Toni27 Tue 21-May-13 22:10:04

Yes I hope when my little girls a grown up there will be a screening test for autism genes, just so she has the option to find out if her children are likely to be on the spectrum. I didn't know age had anything to do with likelihood of autism in kids, I had my NT daughter at 23 and my Asd son at 24. Maybe it's because I fell pregnant again so quickly, I have wondered if my body had not had enough time to recover after my first pregnancy as they are 13 months apart.

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