"He knows he can be himself"

[sweetteamum]

So after a review meeting with the behaviour person today, I don't really think I got very far.

Apparently all Ds's (aged 10) needs are being met in school and he isn't causing them any problems at all, apparently. He is still being increasings aggressive at home and is very troubled by 'something'.

Ds keeps home and school apart and never mixes the 2. Although, he has started to talk about the 2 with the behaviour person.

She has told him he can tell her anything and doesn't just want to be told what he thinks she wants to hear.......And that's the problem. Some of the things she was saying that he told her, just weren't true (ie aggressiveness at home). He says things are fine and there's no issues. He's also told her he doesn't mind me going in - which he has a huge problem with and will get increasingly angry about if he thinks i'm going anywhere near school.

So he's telling her what he thinks she wants to hear (and I can tell thats what he's doing), but she is adamant that becuase she's told him he can be honest that he's not doing that.........So, my question is; what do I do and how do I get it across to them that just because he's told something doesn't mean he will do it. She really was adamant.......HELP!

[StarlightMcKenzie]

You shouldn't measure needs on whether behaviour (mental/learning/anxiety/aggression) is a problem for the SCHOOL but whether they are a problem for HIM and affecting his accessibility to an adequate education.

[sweetteamum]

It's just reassuring knowing that someone else understands. I made it clear that children are different at home and at school and becuase of this, I sent a dvd and a diary into the SENco to look at.

I got the feeling behaviour person thought he was playing up to it - but he isn't . . In fact he's much worse when the video isn't on him so if anything he was playing things down.

I'm never in the room when they have their chats but surely she can't be so naive to think that everything he tells her isn't just to stop her asking q's or telling her what she wants to hear.

They also sayd they've used up their EP time, so we can't even have the EP to go and pay a visit.

[sweetteamum]

It's very difficult for me to question them as they're tellin me that he's progressed (educationally) since they put the hours into providing support.

Although, I haven't seen how he's progressed - I've just been told. How do I ask them to proove he's progressed without it sounding like i'm checking on them - they've been helpful so far.

[sweetteamum]

His NC levels seemed to have gone up a whole level since they put extra support in - which is less than a term.

[cornypedicure]

who is this behaviour person?
in what way are they qualified to be working with your ds?

[buildingmycorestrength]

I'm worried about this too. My son keeps school and home very separate and brings anxiety home. School okay so far but anxious periods and also periods of what looks like depression, so I'm all ears.

They are children, ffs! Of course introspection, self-awareness and self analysis are not going to be their strong points! Add to this ASD, where feelings are a bit of a foreign language and it just seems obvious that you can't ask them what the problem is.

I wonder if my son has alexithymia (?) which is an inability to recognise his own feelings. Half the time he doesn't even know if he wants to go to his friend's house or not, let alone some systematic issue at school. Co-morbid with ASD, so he probably won t be the only child to have that mental block.

Isn't this why people recommend an Antecedent Behaviour Consequences approach? Because they can't tell you themselves?

Do let me know if I'm talking rot, please, am feeling my way with this.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Just to clear, my frustration is with the 'behavioural' woman, not you, OP.

[sweetteamum]

Corny, she's from the behaviour improvement team (BIT for short and they used to be best)

I don't know of her relevant qualifications either to be honest. I'm presuming she's had appropriate training and experience.

[sweetteamum]

Don't worry building, I'm still feeling my way around and would welcome any ideas thrown into the mix tbh.

It really does seem like DS is a complex little fella!

[Handywoman]

A whole level in LESS THAN A TERM?

I would want to know what quals this BIT person has

[StarlightMcKenzie]

'I agree wholeheartedly Star but how can school put in measures for a need they cannot see, for a child who is academically way ahead? I've got a review meeting on Thursday so am going to raise it again.'

Polter I agree it isn't an easy one at all. I suppose I would keep as much of a record as I could of what I was trying to get across, and when appropriate insist that their not seeing was down to ignorance, inexperience and inability to spot, rather than because it wasn't happening iyswim, and then on that basis start to demand input from people who CAN grasp what are obviously extremely complex issues to unpick.

But that isn't an easy path at all, even doing it as politely as possible.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

'I'm presuming she's had appropriate training and experience.'

Often (though not always of course), these people take on LA advisory roles because they can't cut it in the classroom. Usually they have far less training than a parent who has been on a parenting course.

[sweetteamum]

Exactly my way of thinking, handy. The only thing is, I don't know how she can prove it. I don't want to rock the boat as she's so nice and bending over back for him.

[sweetteamum]

She seems a very nice lady but I'm not accepting that just because DS knows he can tell her what he wants, that he actually will. Surely she's not that naive either!

I already know that he's told her things he doesn't actually believe but she didn't seem to acknowledge it.