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God what do I do with my poor DS?

(475 Posts)
inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 15:45:31

He couldn't get to school at all today. He has only been going in for part of the day with me. He was wailing and crying about putting his uniform on and how he can't cope.

Where do we go from here? His third school. One period of HE already. School will do whatever they can but he can't cope and I worry I am damaging his mental health.

He finds it so hard to explain how he feels but he can';t cope with kids at school. We went to a special school to look around yesterday and he wouldn't look in the classes and got visibly stressed out at a glimpse of a child in a far off corridor.

What do you do?? CAMHS? HE? This can't go on.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 17:47:03

Thanks. I am exhausted. I look at back at old photos we have around from the days before school and we are all so happy. I look like a clapped out old bag now!

We have spent thousands fighting for stuff that is useless if he can't cope with school.

The solicitors are going to explore what is right for him through the JR as they say there has been a failure to educate and they will get a new EP report. That might help with considering options.

Now we have pulled out of the house purchase and I am starting to feel better a bit. A bit more in control. We can move if we want to.,

I want my life back!!!!!!

cornypringle Fri 03-May-13 18:04:42

'I want my life back'

That is exactly what I said when ds was in that situation

but you can't go back you can only go forward

his current school can't meet his needs and he needs time away from school to recover

Realistically would the LA be able to have a tutor in place before the Summer if you got him signed off now?
That would give you until Sept.
He may be able to cope with a tutor then for a couple of hours a week maybe?

MareeyaDolores Fri 03-May-13 18:09:10

Being horrid about this, HE has the major disadvantage that it saves the LA shed-loads of cash. Which means no chance of indie SS. Staying on a school roll, but not attending, means they still fund his place. So I'd suggest looking to HE in practice, but not on paper.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 18:38:05

Thanks. I will see what the GP says but part of me thinks school refusing with Aspergers is a normal psychological response and not a clinical disorder! I suppose it is proving that it will harm him to continue at school at present.

Could the EP not have said this to save us the bother? Poor DS - he's been poked and prodded and assessed constantly since he was 5.

dev9aug Fri 03-May-13 18:44:31

I found this, If you ignore the guff about separation anxiety, there is some sensible stuff there to look at.

Badvoc Fri 03-May-13 18:50:30

I would suggest a period of "de schooling" which is a HE term for helping dc come to terms with bad experiences at school.
Perhaps then after a time (they say a minth owr year at school generally) you could check out your options wrt the right place to for your dc.
I am sorry.
It's soul destroying to see your child so unhappy.

rosielou678 Fri 03-May-13 19:06:20

I'm home eding my DS. I removed him from school last July whilst I fight tooth and nail to get him SA and proper provision. HE has been a life saver not just for him, but also for our entire family. Long term it is not the right provision as he needs so much help and specialist education that will only come with an independent specialist school. But whilst I carry on fighting the LA, HE has absolutely given us all the mental breather we all needed.

This time last year I was fighting the LA, the system, my DS's emotional problems, the teachers and the school itself. Now I'm "only" fighting the LA and the system. Emotionally my DS is a different person.

Some HE days are harder than others. The long winter months being the worst as he loves being outdoors. But the last few months has given us all a massive breather. I've also got to know my DS properly again. I know what makes him tick and what doesn't. We've had some great fun HEing. My DS wakes up happy in the morning and so do I (or I would if it wasn't for the total nightmare that is my LA!).

We still have a long long way to go (Tribunal in 2 months). But I have my little boy back - I missed him. My heart wants to keep HEing for ever but my head tells me he needs to be an a specialist school.

I'm not sure of the position re: HEing if you already have a Statement. I deregisterd my DS before they were forced to SA him. But in my home ed documents I send to the LA's home ed advisor every 6 months or so, I always state that he is only being HEed until his Statement has the correct provision. I want to make it quite clear to them that I will not be going away any time soon and HEing is only a short-term solution!

HE can be a really lovely experience. I really recommend this blog by a fellow HEer who is now "the other side" with grown up HEed children

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 19:08:38

Thanks. He is just so exhausted and we are too and this is at a really good school which will do ANYTHING to help.

rosielou678 Fri 03-May-13 19:17:07

I'm sorry, it hurts so much when it's our children.

It might be a good school, but is it the RIGHT school? My son's school was/is a very good school and would do anything to help, but ultimately they did far far more damage than good. My son was once again assessed last week by an independent EP and she went mad at the damage his school did to him by trying to do "anything" when they clearly couldn't cope and should have said so years ago. We are living with that damage even tho he left nearly a year ago.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 19:20:48

I think there is a limit to what can be done in mainstream in some schools. The school will accommodate anything but ultimately this leaves him outside the class, supported by me, scared of other children. This is no good for anyone.

Has anyone else had there child scared of the other kids?

dev9aug Fri 03-May-13 19:24:37

Do you know why he is scared?

Badvoc Fri 03-May-13 19:28:05

My son was badly bullied and has asd traits so it was doubly hard.
He was very timid from being a baby/toddler and - I am not proud to admit this - I was embarrassed sometimes. He was alway the child hiding behind me or crying or refusing to play.
And I got nasty PA comments from family members too.
You are right in that you being - effectively - his TA is not good for either of you.
It sound like he needs a total break.
Have cahms mentioned CBT?

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 19:28:49

He says he doesn't trust them, he is different from them (he explained to his SLT that he was like a different kind of animal) and the children stare at him!

He isn't like this with adults although he generally won't speak to people he doesn't know.

rosielou678 Fri 03-May-13 19:29:11

I think well-meaning mainstream schools can do more damage than good. With all the best will in the world, they are not specialists for all types of SENs. In my son's case they should have told me years ago that they were out of their depths. But instead they carried on muddling through. As it was private school, as long as I threw them money, they kept going and telling me he was doing fine with no serious problems.They should have been morally honest years ago.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 19:31:39

Haven't been referred to CAMHS. Consultant Paed said to see EP - put that in a letter. So I did. EP said try no classroom and very limited time in school. Now that isn't working. I've gone back to EP. No response as yet. Have also tried GP. No apprmnt for 2 weeks but have emailed surgery

But local CAMHS are hugely CRAP and the thought of them messing with his head terrifies me. I'm trying to see if I can locate a specialist psychohistory with knowledge of AS.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 19:32:58

I think the school know now its not working and that they have done all they could. I don't think there are easy answers. It's exhausting sad

rosielou678 Fri 03-May-13 19:33:40

inappropratelyemployed, is short-term HE a realistic option for you? It sounds as though you all need a break from school?

Badvoc Fri 03-May-13 19:34:09

My son is very unlike his peers.
He doesn't do Star Wars, Ben 10, moshi monsters etc
I think he felt very lonely for a long time sad

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 19:37:24

HE is an option as I have basically been doing HE but in school!! I will have a think over the weekend and speak to my GP.

flowwithit Fri 03-May-13 19:40:51

Yes my ds is scared of other children. He is better with adults than his peers. It's like he doesn't understand other children of his age. He is very wary and looks physically scared of other children sounds similar to your ds

rosielou678 Fri 03-May-13 19:44:13

Even if it's only short term until the end of the academic year, it might give you all a breather. I'm not sure on the legal position if you already have a Statement, but if you cover your back as much as you can on that score?

A year ago the thought of HE filled me with dread and fear and the irrational thought that I'd failed. A year on, it was absolutely 100% the right short-term decision.

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 19:58:19

Thanks flowwithit - glad to see he's not alone. Has anything helped your DS with it?

Rosie - you can dereg with a statement but you lose all the provision and of course the LA wash their hands of you which is unhelpful for Indy SS placements.

I have been asking the EP straight whether I should continue with this as I am worried about his mental health but they won't answer. I think he needs a break for medical reasons now.

zzzzz Fri 03-May-13 20:20:57

I'd get him signed off sick and just relax till September. Then start super slowly. How is he academically?

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 03-May-13 20:26:02

He's doing really well. Nothing I can't teach and he is happy for me to teach him. DS2 gets very upset though.

zzzzz Fri 03-May-13 20:32:55

What about an on line school?

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