Sooo....marriage on the rocks. Any advice appreciated

[Bluebirdonmyshoulder]

Don't want to post in Relationships but need some advice.

It seems that bluechick's dx and the reality of our new future has exposed / highlighted / caused / whatever - a number of faultlines in our relationship and it feels like it's only a matter of time before one of us mentions the inevitable.

I feel like we're colleagues who work at looking after bluechick but who don't actually like each other very much. Can't remember the last time e laughed, kissed or made love. (We're talking months and months).

How did it come to this? We were best friends and soul mates before all this happened. I feel like the life I had planned is disintegrating.

Is this normal? Can you recover or is this pretty terminal?

Sorry for the whinge when you all probably had far worse to deal with today.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

I'm sorry to hear this. It is very common unfortunately in families with children with SN (and to be fair, families generally).

Is there a way to find one evening a week taking turns to cook/take resonsibility to arrange a meal and turn of the tele and do something 'different' like play cards, board game, look through old photos, declutter a room together?

[frizzcat]

I don't know what bluechicks dx is or when it was given, but do you think you're both still grieving/coming to terms for the life you imagined? That on its own can be really isolating and it's hard to actually say what you're thinking, because some if those thoughts sound awful, but are ultimately completely natural, and then there's the anger, anger because of the dx, anger about the future, anger about the fight for help, anger about the impact on your life.
Are you actually talking about the lack of closeness? Or are you just on the cycle of silence and arguments, which in itself is hard to break.

Do you want to talk to DH? Do you want to try and make this work? These are the first things you need to decide - whatever your answer, either way you will have to talk because it will be so destructive to both of your emotional well-beings, and ultimately you deserve more.

I think there would be few marriages that don't go through a crisis like this, I know we've been there.
Hope things get better for you soon

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Oh dear, bluebird. My experience isn't good, but my ex had a midlife crisis and an affair. I'm not sure how much of our relationship breakdown was related to my DS's SN and how much would have happened anyway. We had definitely stopped communicating about anything except the kids and day to day stuff. I don't miss him, per se, just someone to share the load with. And his money!

If you want to improve things, if it can be saved, it's clichéd, but you need to make some time for each other that's not to do with the kids. Some many men need their egos boosted. No sex for months is not a good thing. Maybe post on the relationships board as well? I found it invaluable. Some posters there will assume he's having an affair, because that was their experience, but there are a lot of wise women on that board.

When it got to the stage that I realised something was wrong, when he was being constantly critical and impatient with me, when sex had stopped, when I felt uncomfortable undressing in front of him, my ex had already started his affair, so for me, I'd already left it too late to change things. I hope you have still got something worth fighting for.

Oh, just reread that you don't want to post on relationships. I namechanged for that board. I was very, very honest, quite self-critical and got some great advice and some more 'challenging' answers, but they really are the experts.

If you have come to the end of the line, or still have something to save, counselling may be useful. Preferably together or individually, it may help you to work out what you want to do, either way. ((((hugs))))

[coff33pot]

I am sorry you are both having a tough time of it.

I guess its time to weigh up exactly how you feel about each other. If you love each other and if you feel parting is the best option.

Would someone give you a break like a short weekend or even an overnight stay where you can wine, dine and talk honestly to each other about whether you are both walking the same road or not.

I hope it all works out for you x

[Bluebirdonmyshoulder]

Thanks all, must admit I'd had a few glasses of wine last night and only vaguely remember posting this!

zzzz - I don't know anymore. Not in the same way certainly but I'm not sure if that's permanent or temporary. We're not the same people we were before bluechick came along and I'm not sure if the new me loves the new him.

The irony is we have plenty of 'time off' thanks to having family close by. We just don't have what we used to have. It feels as if our whole relationship was based on the life we thought we were going to have and now that we don't have that, we don't have much of a relationship.

[MummytoMog]

You sound like you're grieving for the life you thought you would have, and you sound a bit like you might be depressed (which would be perfectly natural). The grieving process really saps the will to enjoy life/relationships out of you. When my dad died last year, it took me weeks before I could even look at DH. Nothing he had done in particular, I just felt like he couldn't possibly understand, was doing everything wrong and I hated his guts and wanted him to go away. In the end it was about how I was feeling, not about how he was acting. Making more of an effort to sleep together helped, as did enough perspective to realise that he felt like he couldn't reach me and that every time he tried to, I pushed him away. We're basically back on track now, but it took an effort on my part, which I felt was worth it. I guess you need to think about if you can get that relationship back and if you want to. Then what you need to do to make that happen.

[ouryve]

I think it's normal for relationships to progress from the wildly optimistic looking forward to the rest of our lives stage, but it's all happened to you rather quickly, bluebird. You're both dealing with stress and shock and not necessarily in the same ways. There's no way on Earth you could be even remotely the same people you used to be.

How would your DH react to the suggestion of couples counselling - to help you to come to terms with and get to know the new yous? (sod off, spellcheck - that's still valid English in this part of the country!)

[MareeyaDolores]

A year or two ago, I thought we were doe for. Mainly due to the stress of fighting for statutory assessment, looking back. It's ok ATM.