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Dd will lose ss place as dp and I can't agree on placement

(18 Posts)
autumnsmum Wed 01-May-13 19:49:15

Evening everyone dd who is 3.6 has been offered a place at a ofsted outstanding ss for autism and a resourced provision . I desperately want ss and dp and his mum! Want resourced provision .we can't agree and the borough have said they can't intervene , we both have parental responsibility it's driving me mad dp says dd will be held back in ss I know I have posted about this before but the situation is desperate now

Oh god! I've no idea how to help, just thankful my ex leaves these decisions to me, so far. Hope someone will be able to advise. Can you take it to court?

HotheadPaisan Wed 01-May-13 19:53:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

autumnsmum Wed 01-May-13 20:04:47

Thanks hothead I've suggested she goes for a year and then we review it I also didn't need his mum involved

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 01-May-13 20:33:50

Held back from what? It's early years.

Better she gets the targetted help now with a supported transition into mainstream/resource with all the support that will entail than slowly fail and subsequently fall out of her chance at mainstream because she has been so left behind due to the pace of teaching.

Why do they want resourced provision?

autumnsmum Wed 01-May-13 20:40:57

Thanks starlight I have said to them many times that she needs the help now but according to them she is progressing fine and they both have a fixation with role models which they think she will get at resourcedrovision I have repeatedly asked nursery and dd isn't interacting with her peers so I don't know what will magically change in resourced provision they are the most stubborn pair evet

chocjunkie Wed 01-May-13 20:57:09

oh god, this seems tough. poor you :-(

DD attends a unit; we had MS as alternative and DP very much wanted MS. I always though that DP just did not want to admit how 'bad' things were. I think he feared the stigma of sending his child to a unit and not to MS.

In the end I put my foot down. my main argument was that DP worked long hours and had very little involvement with Dd during the day. i was in charge of all therapy we did, did most of her care, did most of the appointments with her etc. DP left me very much in charge of her and therefore I would have never been able to let him make the school decision iyswim (but I guess my DP was less stubborn).

don't really get the 'ss will hold her back' argument either.

shock at having your MIL involved, too. guess that is the last thing you need.

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 01-May-13 21:15:37

If a child with autism, could learn from their peers, they wouldn't get a dx of autism would they?

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 01-May-13 21:16:52

MS would hold my ds back. Arguably he's a mainstream child (in that there are plenty with his profile in ms) but he would be ignored, not supported.

beautifulgirls Wed 01-May-13 21:21:52

There is a lot to be said for not letting the child start to feel out of their depth and losing self confidence. In a specialist provision this is going to be a constant consideration, in a unit there is a much higher chance of self esteem plummeting when NT peers are around to compare against. I would also argue that it would probably be easier to move to a unit from a specialist setting than to move from a unit as the LA will argue re fees, progress etc. Therefore going for the specialist provision keeps the options open a bit more for the future. If your ex wants good peer groups then look at things like Brownie's and other out of school clubs instead.

MareeyaDolores Wed 01-May-13 21:33:30

Government advice about using the courts https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order When parents disagree
A ‘specific issue order’ is used to look at a specific question about how the child is being brought up, eg:what school they go to, if they should have a religious education. You can also apply for a ‘prohibited steps order’ to stop the other parent from making a decision about the child’s upbringing.

For a more practical (and rapid) solution, you could give the borough some very convincing reasons why your child's needs cannot be met in the resourced provision, without 'affecting the efficient education' of the other children there. They only have to offer what is sensible. If the unit isn't sensible, parent preference doesn't matter.

MareeyaDolores Wed 01-May-13 21:38:37

Show them this, I bet they like the daily mail

Then say the special school's approach is closer to this than the unit's and why are they denying your child a 'possible cure' (personally hate the terminology as imho that's drivel, but it might be talking their language, if they're still in he'll-be-fine-with-good-examples mode)

everynameistaken Wed 01-May-13 21:49:24

I'll leave others to comment on each provision as theyre more experienced than me, but had similar sort of issie at work other day........

Both parents had PR mum wanted to take child out of school forr a holiday. Dad refused. I checked education websited on rules and found that parent with whom child resides had final say on school issues.

If you havr shared care though that wipes that out though. Sorry on phone so cant post a linky thingy cos not good doing that with phone.

Hope this helps.

cansu Thu 02-May-13 06:53:18

This must be very difficult and I guess one of you has to give a bit. I am lucky in that although he may offer his opinion dp lets me take devisions about schools for dc. On the subject of role models though my dd has quite severe asd and attends mainstream. At nursery she did not interact with others. Over the last two years at mainstream she now approaches other children to play with her. It is of course on her terms but she has come on socially in ways that may not have been possible at the local special school I saw. She has two preferred children in the class she likes to sit next to and loves playing with these two. She has also made lts of progress in her reading and her understanding of language. She had an excellent very inclusive teacher for the first two years. She spent two years in reception. Am less happy with teacher this yeAr but TA has been brilliant. You of course know the schools concerned best but am maybe saying the arguments about special vs mainstream vs unit are not as straight forward as they might seem with children at the severe end of the spectrum.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Thu 02-May-13 07:31:06

Must be so hard when you disagree and you are still together.

I'm so glad that Ex and I agree on what is best for DS3!

lougle Thu 02-May-13 07:42:06

How awful for you. Can you convince them that it's much easier to go from SS to unit than the other way around, because demand for places is so high?

Stressedtothehilt Thu 02-May-13 09:09:54

My friend has recently had similar predicament couldn't decide between Ss or mainstream. In the end after many viewings she chose mainstream for reception for her dd as her view is that she can always move dd to Ss later on if necessary and the Ss told her that rarely does a child move from SS to mainstream so she thought to give mainstream ago first

nothinginthefridge Thu 02-May-13 09:19:58

Sorry I totally misunderstood earlier - thought it was your exDP blush.

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