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Need a MN kick up the butt...

(7 Posts)

Please remind me I should be grateful for the things my DS2 can do and the lovely young man he is.

Tonight I feel so sad for 'what should have been' and the reason is ridiculous.
He's 16 soon, and he has ASD and learning difficulties. He goes to a special school but integrates into the adjacent mainstream 'unit' for about half the day.
Today he came home all excited because the class were talking about Prom coming up. He thinks he will be invited and wants to wear a suit.. like Dr Who.

The reality is, it's unlikely he or the other couple of kids who do some integration , will be invited.. and if they are.. it's an occasion for those kids who are leaving, who have been together in school forever to have a laugh, dress up, probably get sneakily drunk after (well my other teens did) and he will not be part of it, or welcome.
The mainstream kids tolerate him..to a point.. he is gentle and sweet..but he IS learning disabled and different and they are not his friends and he doesn't understand thissad He would definitely be left standing at the side.

You know, nearly 16 years of this and I should have got over it.. used to it. He's a 6 yr old in most ways, still believes in Santa, etc etc.. and he's lovely and I'm proud of him.

But right now I am sad. I want him to be normal. A normal teen, doing normal things, not needing a carer, not needing me to help him shower, and not the kids that no one wants because he's different. I want him to be chasing girls, trying to sneak booze to a party.. I want for him the things that seem so nearly in his reach but aren't.

Special needs suck and after all this time I'm still hurting for what should be and never will be sad

PolterGoose Thu 25-Apr-13 22:19:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Thu 25-Apr-13 22:22:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoHaudinMaWheest Thu 25-Apr-13 22:43:09

Of course you're sad because it is hard and however much it is everyday reality you aren't used to it or I'm not anyway.

My Ds is 16 too. He has AS and OCD and is in mainstream. Academically he functions well but socially and emotionally and practically he doesn't. I didn't think he would want to go to the prom but he does. I'm really not sure what he will do when he gets there or how it will make him feel but I have to let him go.

Even though I know your situation is more extreme and therefore harder I feel your pain.

coff33pot Thu 25-Apr-13 22:43:19

oh medusa I dont think we ever stop having those "moments" at each stage of growing up because ours really are behind and innocent and yes it hurts.

But how about letting him have his Dr Who suit and having your own prom.

Why would he not be invited? if he is also part of MS surely he would be allowed to go?

I view DS sometimes with sadness as he is so young for his age compared to his peers but I keep kicking myself as yes it is sad and upsetting to me but to him he really doesnt care less and is himself smile

I got a pic of him learning in a classroom with the others about the rainforest this week. ALL the other kids were making animal faces and smiling. DS was standing at the back behind everyone else so technically on his own but as far as he was concerned he had joined in and it was a brilliant lesson (his own words) the TA said he loved it and was laughing to himself and joining in making the odd noises like the others.

Do you think if he went he would still have that fantastic time due to being unaware of who is friend or not?

I know its not what we want for our kids but if they are blissfully unaware at these events would it matter as long as he enjoyed it himself? x

coff33pot Thu 25-Apr-13 22:49:54

I will have to give you flowers or wine not a kick because I suspect there are a lot of us that all have the same wishes.

ouryve Thu 25-Apr-13 23:06:25

No kicks here, because I'm saving them for getting DS1 out of the whole mainstream or LA education scene. He's already barely functioning on the fringes and he's 9 and in a lovely school where he's accepted. He's only barely accepted, though. No friendships strong enough to get him past his social phobia and actually doing anything with his peers. He's just there. He's just DS1. They've learnt to blank his uglier side. His more unpleasant behaviours are rather scary and have already alienated him. The kids who really admire him aren't his actual peers and still have their own friends. DS2 has officially more severe ASD and is mostly non-verbal and he's the one who has some real friendships and reciprocates the affection.

Hopefully you can persuade him that, you know, we're damned proud of you and lets go for a lovely evening out and enjoy it, together.

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