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I really need help

(61 Posts)
needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:34:44

I have namechanged because I really don't want a casual searcher to find this. I am not a troll and I am happy to tell you who I am by pm if you want or need me to. I am begging you before I start to please not flame me because I know how what I am going to say will sound and it has taken a lot of courage to even type it.

I have had enough of being a parent to my kids. I don't want to do it any more. I am sick of pretending on here and in real life that I am any good. I can't stand the constant noise the constant screaming and screeching. Today I realised I have had enough when I googled 'how to make yourself deaf'

I just keep fantasising about being deaf. Then I couldn't hear them and I could cope.

But right now, when they are screeching I have a clenching in my chest and I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. I feel breathless. I live on here as a way to block them out. I feel like I am going to die when they are jumping and yelling. It's like someone has my chest in a vice.

I tried to tell my husband and he laughed. He thought I was joking, I think.

But I am not joking. I want to poke something in my ears and never have to hear the constant beeping and screeching and whooping because I truly don't think I can cope any more.

My other choice is to drive off a bridge and I am about a week of screaming in my ear away from doing that.

Please don't flame me, I really need some help here.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:37:36

Do you get any respite? Or any time to yourself?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:38:42

Even if you do I think you clearly need more of it. Noone will flame you here

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:39:14

Are they back to school this week?

needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:39:31

No and no. My husband won't entertain respite, he says we don't need help looking after our children, that they're our responsibility. He sees it as something wrong with me if I say I can't cope.

You can't cope? They're your children.

needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:40:50

They are back at school, yes. And during school hours is when I have to try to do all my work. And I get all that piled on me too (which is a whole other story and not something I will bore you with)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:42:46

I think you will have to lay it on the line that if you don't get respite he will have to look after them more to let you get time to yourself or you will not be able to cope and break down or leave.

Have felt like that before we got 4 hours a week and it is still hard now but makes so much difference.

There is no shame in it.

He sounds like he doesnt do as much of the caring so doesnt know how hard it really is.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:43:32

The work wil have to slide a bit for the sake of your sanity I fear.

Is he supportive in other ways?

AmberLeaf Mon 15-Apr-13 17:44:19

Honestly? It sounds like your husband is the real problem.

It sounds as though it is all on you.

What does your husband do with regard to parenting duties?

...And no, no flaming, you are clearly and understandably struggling.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:45:51

You will have to seriously lay it on the line I am afraid sad

AmberLeaf Mon 15-Apr-13 17:46:04

Agree, absolutely no shame in saying 'I can't cope'.

Yarnie Mon 15-Apr-13 17:47:03

Getting your husband to understand how you are feeling seems critical. Can you be unequivocal? Force him to see that you mean it? If not, is there someone else who can tell him? Hearing it from a trusted third party might help - they don't need to know the gory details, just that you are having trouble coping.

needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:48:07

He is at work all day yes, but he's here by 6 and at weekends, so there's not that much difference. But he's never done any of their therapies or anything. That's always been me. Never done any research, that's always been me. Never got down on the floor and taught them those things that nt kids pick up but we have to teach ours. He's just laid back and casual while I put all the hours in to try to teach them how to function in the world. He just tells them off if they don't behave 'appropriately'. It's very frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, he loves them and he's really good with them and he's there for them - he's there fighting for them when it comes to statements etc, it's just that he, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:48:10

Pretty much everyone with one or more children with SN needs some extra support IMO.

I know exactly what you mean. The noise mine make is like knives in my head and makes me anxious.

Are you on the spectrum yourself by any chance? I am I think and I think that has a lot to do with my inability to stand the screeching and yelling.

You need a break, and your husband needs to understand that it's perfectly possible to love your children but still need some time away from them


fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:49:59

He just hasn't had to deal with the hard and wearing grind

needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:50:18

lots of x posts. In terms of doing stuff, he does more than his fair share in terms of housework, school runs, that sort of thing. He certainly doesn't leave that up to me.

Even things like homework, it's me that has to struggle to find a way to explain things to them that they can process.

zzzzz Mon 15-Apr-13 17:50:54

You're tired sweetheart. Not rubbish. Desperately desperately tired.

I think you need a weekend (a week would be better) off.

Can you just blow some money, get Dh to look after the children for a weekend (after all we can look after our own children wink ), and book into a hotel WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE WHERE YOU ARE GOING?

Your husband sounds just like my dp, it's very frustrating always being the one responsible for every aspect of their SN. I do all the appointments, all the exercises at home, all the dealing with school, all the managing their behaviour and it's exhausting.

Stressedtothehilt Mon 15-Apr-13 17:52:52

Needing I am hearing you! I could've written your post! I've name changed and just posted this evening about my youngest. I'm at my wits end too. Wen will it end.....

needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:53:56

Yes, I am. It was after they were diagnosed that the people who worked with them picked it up in me. But I am married, working, have children, so I feel that I should be able to function. I just cannot bear the noise. I feel like if the noise was removed then I would be able to function perfectly.

willillimillimilliwillimemememee-e-e-e- is what I hear right now, for example. It's constant and it is driving me, honestly and without exaggeration, insane.

needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:55:40

sorry, more xpost. Yes, I feel like I could sleep for a hundred years.



I am going to lose my mind, I know it. I just want to get in my car and never ever hear another sound ever again.

needinghelphere Mon 15-Apr-13 17:56:33

Sorry you're feeling the same way, stressed. It's just neverending, isn't it?

zzzzz Mon 15-Apr-13 17:57:51

Well what would be so awful about earplugs/defenders for half an hour every so often?

Not ideal (and I still think a pile of books/DVDs and trust house forte would do you a power of good), but surely not neglectful?

How old are they?

Is there somewhere safe you could put them and retreat to the far end of the house/out to the garden for half an hour?

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