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In a mess...

(33 Posts)
neverputasockinatoaster Sun 07-Apr-13 18:49:31

Posting here because if I post anywhere else I'll get a flaming and I know I'm awful so I need advice....

DS is driving me bonkers. He is so violent when he doesn't get his own way. Now the rational part of my brain tells me he is angry I want him to, for example, pick up toys in his room because it is not part of his plan for the day and it is change.. But the limbic (I think) part of my brain goes into stress mode as soon as he starts shouting and I find myself making all sorts of ridiculous threats like if he doesn't help tidy I will tidy all his toys into the bin. (Yes, I know I'm stupid) Then he gets even more anxious and comes at me with an absoltely evil and viscious look on his face and it scares the shit out of me for 2 reasons - 1 is that he will hit and hurt me and 2 is that if I don't stop this he will hurt someone else one day..... So then I scream at him and manhandle him away from me and it all gets horrible. I don't hit. I smacked him once when he was 3 and he has never let me forget it. So if I can control myself enough not to hit why can I not stop yelling at him?

I know his temper is all my fault because I yelled at him so muhc when he was little and I didn't know he was ASC . I thought he was just naughty and was helpless at my inability to control a 3 year old... He learned to yell and shout.

So, what do I do? I realise we need a routine for room tidying so that it happens at the same time each week and it needs to be up on a timetable so he can see that, say, Tuesday is room tidying day. I can sort that easily and have begun to make a chart he can see and I can incorporate that into my weekly session of writing events onto a calendar. I can do that.

I know I need ot stay calm but I find that so hard. I am currently trying to imagine there is someone watching me....but that has a negative effective because I get so hung up on the invisible person judging me so I get even more stressed. So, that isn't the technique for me...

I don't want it to be my kids posting on mumsnet in a few years tiem about their abusive mother......

To be clear - I know I'm dreadful, I know it is wrong and I know I should be ashamed of myself and my lack of control over my temper - I am ashamed of myself. I can't talk to anyone in RL about this, i really can't. There is no one to help me. I was offered a 123 Magic course many years ago but then the HV got back to me and said it would be quicker if I just got the book myself from amazon.....

I want to be a better parent. I want my kids to grow up in a calm and peaceful household.

MareeyaDolores Sun 07-Apr-13 23:27:55

Btw, any once a week stuff in this house is doomed to failure, unless there's an appropriate monetary incentive (slippery slope there...)

5 min daily has a slightly better chance of working.

Walter4 Mon 08-Apr-13 17:18:13

I tidy all his toys, to be honest , its the least of my worries with my ds! Provoking a meltdown/ increased anxiety to cope with other things means its really not worth it. Sometimes if he seems in the mood we do it together...for fun!

MareeyaDolores Mon 08-Apr-13 20:32:40

Oh good, glad that bit is working ok for you.

My other slummy-mummy confession is sleeping bags rather than duvets (started as an alternative to a weighted blanket as he likes to be squashed up, but gave them to the other dc too blush as they wash/dry easier and quicker, and you don't need to do the sheets nearly as often)

I ended up using dla for a cleaner, cos when I was cleaning it meant not supervising the dc quite as actively as usual. Preventing the ensuing sibling violence was ending up as a perfect excuse for my slovenly ways grin

AgnesDiPesto Mon 08-Apr-13 21:09:48

neverputasock I am sure all the extra supervision etc should be enough for DLA. Local carers charities will often help you fill out the form.
If you are exhausted then you should also be entitled to direct payments for you to have a break.
Even if HF then still needs extra care because of aggression / challenging behaviour etc
In our LA you have to have ASC + either SLD or challenging behaviour to get social care direct payments; but I challenge anyone to say a child with ASC is not challenging even if its excessive passivity /withdrawal/ rigidity / refusal to follow requests not aggression its still 'challenging'.
The fact you need to go on the course should be enough to trigger a need for a sitter so you can go.
I found having a clear idea of what we wanted and what for can help get direct payments eg I need a sitter so I can go on Magic123 course, I need a sitter because my mental health / relationship is suffering etc
Its worth a try

Hallybear79 Mon 08-Apr-13 22:58:35

My goodness never, reading your post was like reading my own thoughts word for word. I hate myself most days with the way I deal with my DS & I dread every day. I think I'm going to have to start some sort of counselling.

neverputasockinatoaster Mon 08-Apr-13 23:18:47

Can I just say that when I say I have no one in RL I an tell about this and no one who can help I don't mean I deal with DS alone... I have a husband and he's lovely but I am too ashamed of my thoughts to tell him....
My mum is of the opinion that DS has 'naughty child syndrome' and has often said that I only need leave him with her for a week and she'd sort him out......
My ILs favour smacking.
The HV who offered me 123 Magic basically withdrew the offer of a course and told me to buy the book instead.

I will look again at DLA and Carer's allowance. Thank you for that advice.

DS is generally lovely but I am just so scared that he will grow up to be violent or abusive. I don't want him to be. So, I have to show him how.

I think I need to look into ABA.

neverputasockinatoaster Mon 08-Apr-13 23:22:17

There are times whn I am soooo tempted to take my mum up on her offer just to show her but then I think of the damage it would do to DS.....

fasparent Mon 08-Apr-13 23:31:21

Hi have looked after many children with FASD an umbrella term , Children with FASD have multiple associated problems ADHD, ADS, Aspurgers, Autism etc etc. Interventions, stratergys and understanding how all these children feel , is important and their understanding and perceptions of the world around them and what and they do understand and perseve is understood by people around them.
A good guide can be down loaded "Reach too Teach" at

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