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it's me again...

(12 Posts)
eandz Sun 31-Mar-13 10:43:50

I don't know the last time I was on here; I've had to come and go a whole bunch since N's dx. I just need a good cry, but I can't even do that anymore without sounding like a selfish asshole.

The steady pace of hellish anticipation and monotonous professional 'opinions' has been soul destroying. No one has ever seen anyone like N before. Not even DK who says she had thought that she had 'seen it all'.

I just don't have anyone that understands. My parents and IL's don't know what to say. My neighbours and friends say patronising stuff all the time without meaning to. Everyone around me is getting divorced and having breakdowns or getting pregnant and remodelling their homes. I don't have a single friend who can 'be there' for me.

I've had to start a new business to help support the house. I had never planned on working. I honestly thought that I could get away with being a trophy wife. Not because of the usual reasons someone would want to be, just because I want to have one of those carefree spontaneous lives full of whatever I want---absolute freedom.

There is no such thing as freedom, huh?

Meanwhile, the money is disappearing. We've sold the car, sold almost everything. N doesn't like public transport and we haven't had family time in months. We're always chasing the might penny. Oh and it's always raining and cold here.

If I could ask God for only two things, I would ask for Disabilities to only happen to people who did things to deserve them (serious criminals) and for constant sunshine. London has no sun. What kind of place is this? Why did I ever leave America?!

sickofsocalledexperts Sun 31-Mar-13 12:09:50

I really feel for you, you sound like you are having a very hard. I know it is very small comfort, but the sun s due in London at 3 this afternoon. Is there any way you can get out to a park - I know a combo of sun, exercise and nature always helps me cope a little better?

StarlightMcKenzie Sun 31-Mar-13 13:21:29

Where do you live now? Are you really near me now ?

LimboLil Sun 31-Mar-13 15:04:04

Hi. Bless you. Hang in there. Not sure what else to say. I've had a combination of shit things happen over the last few years and at times I've been barely able to comprehend the crapness of it all. You will dig your way through this and actually, I think starting a business is a pretty fab thing to do. Maybe you can give us some tips?

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Sun 31-Mar-13 16:03:24

You sound as wretched and desperate as me at the moment.

I don't know you from before I'm afraid so excuse me asking, what is N's dx?

Losing my freedom is something I'm really struggling with too. Would it help to talk about what things you're missing? Where are you from in the US? I know it well - will happily talk American to you!

And yes, London is a bit shit!

Walter4 Sun 31-Mar-13 19:17:34

You poor thing, I think lots of us feel the same right now. Life is tough here at the moment and I agree, rain,money problems and a child with difficulties takes the strongest of us down! I've also had a hellish day with my little treasure! He takes challenging to whole new level!
Well done on managing to set up a business though, the cold will pass, really, one day we will all wake up and it WILL be warm. Keep posting.....loads of great people here to help.

eandz Sun 31-Mar-13 20:09:51

I'm sorry for having such a pathetic moan; you lot are far stronger than me. I've had my fair share of breakdowns in the past few years.

When I moved here (from Texas) I was lonely; I had my husband in the evenings to watch TV with and my sisters to call but I was unsuccessful with making friends. As time went by, I did make friends, but I've also become a little bit less American. I dont seem to be able to open up and tell anyone how I feel or what is going on; many of my friends still don't know what exactly is going on with my DS. My sister moved in with us in 2009 to help with N, then the other sister moved in this year to help with the ABA program. I can't say I don't have support; I do. Blueshark has made such an effort towards me over the last two years too, but now that I have to work, I'm overwhelmed and ever so tired. I really need things to get easier.

N's DX is of ASD. I've been in robot mode since he was 18 months old. He's 4.5 now. The poor child hasn't had a day of 'fun' since we started him on a program.

Starlight I am close to you--I think; I'm in W2 now. You are in SW somewhere, right? I asked BlueShark to send you my info or something along those lines.

StarlightMcKenzie Sun 31-Mar-13 20:27:01

Ah, Blueshark is avert special person indeed.

Are you around this Easter hols?

MareeyaDolores Sun 31-Mar-13 21:34:57

You've seen the science museum thread? Meet-up this Wednesday? please go along, cos I can't and it'll make me grin to think of lots of MNSN families outnumbering the Tarquins.

MareeyaDolores Sun 31-Mar-13 21:39:22

And working with ASD dc is really hard. Even when you're self-employed which does mean a bit of flexibility. In fact it's worse in some ways cos going off sick or just spending a year or two being an underperforming, non-profit-making employee simply isn't an option sad.

I do it, and every single year (mostly Feb-March, theres definitely a pattern) I nearly jack it in.

StarlightMcKenzie Sun 31-Mar-13 21:40:31

EandZ I'm in SW now yes. Not sure we're all that close but more than happy to meet up if it is doable. Really sorry to hear you're so down. Things can be bloody hard with a child with needs and they can absolutely knock your life plans and outlook whatever you originally thought they might be or had hoped for.

eandz Sun 31-Mar-13 23:12:05

I'm always around. No holidays for us..ever.

I think I'll look into the Science Museum, I only live a 10 minute walk away.

i LOVE BlueShark

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