Anyone a SN supernanny?

[dietstartstmoz]

DS2's behaviour at the moment is just awful. He is 5.5 with HFA. He is really pushing the boundaries at the moment. His speech has really come on and he is in mainstream school with full time support. Emotionally he is probably about 2.5/3yrs old and we have many issues every day, sitting, eating etc but his behaviour at the moment is awful.
We have done a list of house rules, we use visual timetables but if he does not get his own way, immediately he screams, shouts and has major tantrums. He doesnt want to go to school most mornings, although he is Ok when he gets there. This morning he didn't want to go to school and stop what he was doing-playing- so we have a major screaming fit, he hates me, he wants me to die and hitting me. I find it really hard to hold it together when he is like this and find myself really disliking him.
Has anyone used any strategies to help their DC to manage and cope with their emotions, I don't really know where to start. We are trying to keep calm and stick to our boundaries and not let him be in charge, but bloody hell some days its hard. Supernanny anyone??

[ouryve]

Laughing at the thought of me as a supernanny (though in reality, I probably could teach Jo Frost a thing or two!)

I find that DS1 reacts, on the whole, more calmly to adult directed impositions on his time if we present him with what appears to be a choice. He's a little older now, so the choice is in terms of here's the likely undesirable consequence if you don't eat breakfast/get ready for school/put your lego away, so it's up to you whether you want that or not. Feeling like he's in control does make a difference to him.

There's a PDA thread over on SN chat, which has a lot of advice in that you may find useful.

[dietstartstmoz]

Thanks ouryve, I will have a look at the PDA thread. He is such a little git some days and I feel like I'm going mad.

[MareeyaDolores]

yy to the 'appears to be a choice' approach

Do you want 2 more pushes of the car, or just put your shoes on now?
Do you want to sit down nicely in the chair, or have the straps on?

[Ineedmorepatience]

I use very short precise instructions and repeat without adding additional language.

So I say in two minutes, shoes on. In one minute shoes on, shoes on.

I have to be very careful not to let her think she is going to get away with not doing what I have asked and I never say hurry up or you will be late for school, she likes nothing better than avoiding school.

I know it is horrible when dc's say they hate you but it is only words to get a reaction. They really dont mean it.

Try to stay calm and dont take the behaviour personally.

Good luck

[MummytoMog]

We're using 123 Magic - general opinion seemed to be that it works fine with some adaptations for kids on the spectrum/non-verbal kids/Queen of the whole bleedin world kids. So far, so good. I particularly enjoy the fact that time out is just long enough for me to put a cup of tea on and not throttle DD. Takes a lot of the emotion/rage/frustration/dislike out of it for me. It's worked less well on getting her to do stuff I have to say, but it's been pretty damn good at dealing with tantrums, throwing stuff, screaming, hitting and doing stuff just because she knows it drives me up the bleeding wall. DD operates at about a 2.5 year old level, although she is 3.5. DS is just 2 and it works pretty well with him too, although he requires crazy ass cuddles after timeout as he really really hates it.

[dietstartstmoz]

Thanks everyone-some great tips here. Hopefully they will help and stop me feeling like i want to run away, or throttle him. Can i ask-whats 1,2,3 magic?

[MummytoMog]

It's a book, sorry, I realised that wasn't very clear when I wrote it but then didn't fix it. I got the kindle edition so that I could send it to DH's kingle and then FORCE him to read it.

www.123magic.com/

www.amazon.co.uk/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140163?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Walter4]

Dietstarts , I would look at PDA , whether it is or not , the strategies work well with any difficult anxiety/control based behaviour. PDA contact have a good section for methods to cope. On the whole , direct reward/ sanction based traditional methods will make my sons behaviour worse.

[bubblesinthebath]

No but could do with one sometimes. We have the sand timers. 5 minute, 15 minute, and 30 minutes which we can use as and when we need them. Is he in the process of rehearsing for a spring concert? My Ds didn't want to get out of bed this morning and I'm pretty sure this is why, usually he is up before the alarm. Does he take anything into school with him?. We had very similar with our Ds (although he was a little bit older). We have the house rules which everyone has to follow on his bedroom wall. Everyone has to get dressed and washed upstairs otherwise no breakfast. He gets his clothes ready the night before on a hanger in the order he would put them on. Breakfast has to be eaten otherwise no playing. Depending on how much time is left which since making these changes is usually 30 minutes we use the sand timer as a visual aid with verbal count down at 20 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins, then 2. He then has to start putting his coat and shoes on.