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How do you cope with 'daily mail' type ignorance.(35 Posts)
Went out last night with a few friends and hangers on, some of whom know my situation and some don't (ds definitely has pda, just waiting for final assessment and diagnosis).
Conversation turns to a child who had done something to upset one person's dd at an after school activity. when the parent questioned this the adult in charge said 'oh, X has aspergers so he probably didn't understand what he has said to upset your dd, I will have a word with him'. The parent was indignant of that and said how she didn't care what was supposed to be wrong with him but she expected that he be made to apologise there and then. Nothing wrong with expecting an apology I know, but this then lead to almost everyone there saying that so many people get these labels for their child to excuse their bad parenting, get benefits, not have to take responsibility. Some children are just 'born bad' and they need 'sorting out'. I had remained quiet throughout this as I didn't want to get emotional but I contested the idea that anyone is born bad I said some children were born with difficulties in some areas. However, I was pretty much shouted down by what sounded like quotes from the daily mail of lazy parents who don't know how to set boundaries and tales of the consequences that they have used on their nt children and 'would work for any child'. I made my excuses and went home but it was a really depressing evening.
Oh Pop I'm so sorry to read your last post. I think you just need to focus all your energy on getting help for your Ds it sounds like he is very vulnerable at the moment and in need of more support than he is getting from school etc. forget about their ignorance and carry on trying to get help for him.
The one who was most vociferous isn't someone I would ever chose to socialise with anyway. But the comments from other people who I would have said were educated people made me realise just how ignorant the general population is.
If I had even one tiny scrap of energy within me I would set out to educate them but I just can't summon any up. I can't even do the things I have to do like reply to the email from ds' teacher (in which she informed us that he's been hitting himself at school) and tell her that ds is threatening to 'kick in the face and then kill' two children in his class because he believes they have been teasing him, that he has been screaming that school will have to change else he will never go back and that he just wants to be normal like everyone else. He is just falling apart before our eyes and we don't know how to help him
I honestly think that now everyone is sober you need to let a couple of key members of the group KNOW that their ignorant comments based on nothing but predjudice upset you to the point that:-
a/ You had to leave the only normal adult social gathering you've been able to attend for a while.
b/ You no longer feel they are a group you can trust in any capacity due to their cruelty.
c/ That drink only removes the facade that masks a person's true character - what you saw behind the masks was ugly.
You should also point out that every day is a struggle for children with disabilities, & that innocent children should be able to rely on the basic humanity of the adults around them, and not have to overcome attitudes like you witnessed as they struggle through the numerous therapies that enable them to achive what most take for granted. It does no harm to call people out on their cruelty sometimes.
I can cope with the general public's daftness. It's when you cop it from the professionals who should darn well know better that it worries me. Now those are the daily fail believers I have ishoos with.
I get you can't fix stupid. It doesn't stop it hurting sometimes though. Wild horses wouldn't force me to socialise with those people a second time after that.
Sorry you had to bear that out. What a horrible lot.
I would no doubt handle it wrong as I have no patience when it comes to ignorance no matter who or how high lol
I would have to politely tell them that I came out for some decent chit chat and company and not listen to a pile of self opinionated
Probably why I have no "friends" lol
I have come up against this attitude also, when my rhino hide finally developed I found my response was this....hmmm interesting, the professionals have told me different, what research have you done to back up your facts, I would love to read it.
Or else I give the two fingers if I'm in a really bad mood
Thwarting? Bloody predicate text...its the not thwarting.
This is one of the hardest aspects of having a child with SN.
I grew the thickest skin, but i struggle at times.
I generally just don't tolerate ignorant/stupid/annoying know it all people!
Thwarting hardest for me is family...Thats another thread!!
Take care&start growing a good thick skin-it helps.
Well done, you, for just getting through it. Some people just have no idea, do they? And then we're the ones who feel miserable for ages afterwards.
I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it recently. I hope you do have some (nicer) friends you can lean on. Although having said that I've hidden away from everyone in the past when things got too tough. Whatever you need to get you through, sometimes.
I have had a shit couple of days/weeks/months/years and ds is in such a bad place right now I just couldn't take on the ignorant comments last night. It was all I could do to sit round the table without bursting into tears quite frankly, if i'd have started speaking I would have just dissolved.
f*ck off you're talking out of your arse, usually does the trick!
It sounds familiar to me too and sadly I think they are not worth your time. Horrible hurtful attitude!
They are just ignorant fools, I would be cutting them from my social circle.
God it's utterly awful isn't it? I agree that I had no idea how many arses there were out there. I assumed most people were nice!
I tend to respond, but I do cry for days afterwards. Joyously for me much of this comes from my own family. Luckily Dh is a rock, and my children are lovely so we are complete in ourselves.
I really feel for you. I'd have had real trouble keeping quiet!
I think it is hard because too many are woefully ignorant when it comes to SN. I just nod, and say "yes" because there is no reasoning with these types of people!
So depressing/disheartening the way most people seem to think. Sorry you had such an awful experience with friends.
I am reading the replies as I need to know how to deal with these kind of comments without seeming 'defensive' or 'oversensitive'. Thank goodness for MN SN - I would feel so alone and isolated without you.
I'm afraid I'd just cut loose anyone who spoke about children/parents like that. If it's someone who I know will listen, I will tell them just how wrong they are. Actually, I probably do this with everyone, but in a proper burn-your-bridges way with the ones who are just being nasty.
That said most people I know have been lovely about DS's sn (ASD). Although at one point I did find their questions and emotional prodding a bit much. Including lots of 'But can't you just...?' But I think I've snapped enough times that people either know the answers by now or leave me alone.
Some of the things people on this thread have had said to them make me both and
I hate that attitude you get, that it's your fault for being a bad parent (especially before you get the diagnosis). I always liked having perfectly-behaved DD with me, and pointing out to professionals that I used praise, boundaries and makaton etc for years before having DC (former teacher). But I don't think any of those things actually made a difference: I am full of admiration for my fellow parents of dc with sn. They know so much, do so much, live through so much.
I have a lot of friends whose children don't have SN. But they were top quality to start with.
'Someone said that your DC with SN is a fantastic friend filter. Soon sorts the wheat from the chaff for you.'
It's worked well for around 14 years so far.
The problem many ignorant, opinionated ranters had with me is that I was a teacher with a reputation for good discipline and managing challenging children in class.
And I've always been open about Ds's dx. They often stuttered to a halt.
Ha ha I like the 'friend filter'. That'll be why my DH says 'Do you have any friends that have children that don't have SNs?'
Clarifying my upthread post. Most bigots need
a slap re-educating.
But a few need patience, the ones who are blaming themselves, unaware of their own dc's SN, struggling, in-denial and foolishly internalising the nastiness that's been sent their way.
I'm still learning the hard way about the attitude, it's very likely my son has adhd and said to a friend that he was having trouble in concentrating and the school are concerned. She replied "I don't believe in any of these new labels - he just needs discipline". My darling ds is not naughty and he gets upset by his own behaviour. What could I say, I was so upset I didn't say anything. Needless to say I have hardly seen the person since - I need support not criticism and ignorance.
Ellen that is very true.
It's also a good teacher filter!
Someone said that your DC with SN is a fantastic friend filter. Soon sorts the wheat from the chaff for you.
I have had so many comments like that, it's so depressing. One (ex) friend said that I should give DS (4, ASD) to her for a week and she would get him sorted out. Also my own inlaws seem to think that there is nothing wrong with him "that a bit of discipline wouldn't solve". I can't even be bothered to answer most of the time.
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