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this is a bit rubbish of me, but i cant help it.

(53 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Mon 11-Mar-13 21:50:38

Ds isnt strictly speaking a child, he is 21, but due to his aspergers he acts about 15. He is in his 3rd year at uni, but this year he went to live in at uni....

End of last month was my birthday.
DH reminded him. i got no card. nothing. In the end DH bought me a card and made him sign it a week late.

yesterday was mothers day. Again DH and DD reminded him.
i got no card. i got a text at 9.30 last night saying happy mothers day.

i am resigned to this but it hurts. He has a girlfriend and when she was feeling "a bit down" he went on the train to see her with a bunch of flowers. He can clearly do it.

i am the first person he calls when he needs something.

he has tried to call me tonight, and i just cannot answer the phone to him. sad
i dont want to argue or have a go at him.
but i cant speak to him either. im hurt. he seems to think so very little of me and yet, im off work at min with depression for the first time in my life, and some of the reason for that was him and trying to juggle his needs and demands with a stressful and demanding full time full on job. i cracked. i couldnt do it.

he has text now asking why im ignoring him.
ive text back saying im not ignoring him but im not answering phone tonight.
which is true.
im not.

am i being silly about this? to feel hurt by this? if he was the same with everyone it wouldnt bother me, but its just his family, who are his biggest support and staunchest advocates, who he ignores.

he manages to consider everyone elses feeling except ours.
and its made me feel a bit sad.
and i just cant answer the phone.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 11-Mar-13 21:55:21

Aww you have been undertanding and a saint 99% of the time for 21 years I am sure and sometimes it will still get painful and get to you. You are just human.

I got upset the other day amd said to DD "We do everything to please you and you just moan all the time." Isnt true but it just gets to you sometimes that they don't give back the love you put in.

MerryCouthyMows Mon 11-Mar-13 21:58:09

Aww, Vicar. My Dbro still hasn't wished my Mother a Happy Mother's Day. (Also away at Uni).

I have now reminded him via fb. He still hasn't done it...

My 10yo DS1 only remembered about Mothers Day when he saw DD and DS2 give me their cards & presents.

It stings.

Yes, he can do it with his girlfriend - but she probably isn't 'part of the furniture' in quite the same way that you or I or my Mother are to our DC's!

Look at it this way - he has been 'taught' that when your girlfriend is feeling down, you buy her flowers and listen to her.

He doesn't have the fluidity of mind to transfer that 'learnt skill' from his girlfriend to you...

It's not personal. Even though it FEELS personal...

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 11-Mar-13 22:15:58

thank you, both of you

i know its not personal, but im feeling a bit irrational about it all. Dh is even going on about it and he is usually so so laid back and normally grounds me when i moan about things....

ive just ordered some perfume that was in the sale on the house of fraser website.
happy mothers day to me.

dd got me a box of chocs and a card. she wasnt reminded. she is a typcial moody cow of a teen but she does think of me and when im sad she says the wisest things....

im annoyed with myself really for feeling disappointed in him. and deep down i knew he wouldnt bother.
but it does hurt. i bought him a nexus 10 for xmas. im skint. im off work. and i dont think it means anything to him.

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 11-Mar-13 22:16:28

His relationship with his girlfriend is conditional on him not being an arse.

That isn't true of his relationship with you. It's not very nice for you but you're his constant unwavering rock!?

jellyrolly Mon 11-Mar-13 22:22:07

I think Mothers Day is really hard, of course you are 'allowed' to feel hurt and disappointed. I spent the whole evening sulking in my room.

I also think you have done a bloody great job raising a boy who treats his girlfriend well, lots of boys/men take their partners for granted thanks to their mums.

We don't always get the hugs and the thanks from our kids but we can get them from our friends, real and virtual thanks. I hope you feel better soon.

Handywoman Mon 11-Mar-13 22:26:40

Starlight speaks the truth. You are of course not irrational. You are vulnerable and human. And have been doing the Superhuman Act that so many mothers of SN kids do. For years.

i know we font 'do' it here but sending hugs.

DeafLeopard Mon 11-Mar-13 22:27:22

Vicar I would feel the same IIWY too.

Can you text him and tell him why you are upset (in an unemotional way) - he may not even understand why you would be feeling upset - I know my DS would need it explaining to him.

PolterGoose Mon 11-Mar-13 22:55:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 11-Mar-13 22:56:20

i should explain it to him but i really cant be bothered tonight.

he is a decent lad. he just never thinks about me. birthdays, mothers day, all pass him by. he got me an xmas present. all very last minute but hey ho!

im just a bit upset, i will get over it. i think he phoned DD earlier to ask why i wasnt answering his calls.
not sure what she told him. he tried my mobile twice and left a message on the answer phone.

i just dont trust myself to be nice if i speak to him so best i dont.

ive found a lovely gift set in house of frasier - a perfume i wanted with body wash and body lotion with about £20 off....ive bought it for me!

MerryCouthyMows Mon 11-Mar-13 23:41:39

<<Sneaky hugs>>

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 11-Mar-13 23:45:39

thank you.

im feeling a bit vulnerable i suppose - i just give such a lot of myself over to him and his needs and difficulties at my own expense a lot of the time.

i thought he would go to uni and i would start a life/career.
but i cant.
he still takes such a lot of me i dont have enough to give to anyone else. its driven me into the ground because i went for the most stressful job i could have thought of....i never make life easy.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Tue 12-Mar-13 08:36:57

I can't help feeling that's my future. My 2 NT, slightly empathic boys will eventually leave me with DS2, who is completely egotistical and hasn't got a caring bone in his body. He makes up for it, currently, by being humorous and still fairly cute, but he's still a very young teen, 13 going on 9. What will he be like at 21? I doubt that he'll be independent or academic enough for university. Will he even have a job?

Sorry to add to the misery, Vic, I have no advice apart from hang on in there.

bigbluebus Tue 12-Mar-13 09:06:55

It's hard Vicar. My DS (16) did remember Mother's Day and bought a card and gift, but I feel sure it was only because DH reminded him. He would only buy a humorous card though - not a soppy 'Love you' type card. He has no empathy at all, so I think my future will be much the same as yours. DS is desperate to go to Uni, but I don't know how he will cope - and he won't have the option of living at home as we don't live near any Unis. But I think it will be a case of 'out of sight out of mind' (from him not us) as far as we are concerned once he leaves home - until he needs something.
I think the best plan is to buy yourself something - at least you get something you want!!! (although I'm understand that even something you didn't want from your DS would mean more than nothing).

ouryve Tue 12-Mar-13 09:55:33

DS1 is only 9, but often blanks other people's birthdays, refuses to choose and sign a card, etc. There's a large amount of control and anxiety issues in his behaviour. Last year, he refused to have anything to do with Mothers' day, then had a huge meltdown while we were out at the supermarket on the morning. He explained, finally, on the way home, that he wanted to choose me a present and didn't have time, which is why he was upset. He's been the same with birthdays etc, even as recently as mine, last Autumn. He actually made me a card, in advance, for mothers' day, this year and his 1:1 knew it was a big deal for him and excitedly told me all about it on the day he did it.

[hugs] anyhow. It hurts enough from an 8 year old and you would keep on hoping that by adulthood, our offspring would have rasped the idea of social obligations that we do to make people happy, wouldn't you.

My brother is an undiagnosed aspie and we came to a no card guaranteed agreement, a while back, because he wasn't comfortable with just going through the motions. We just sent each other ridiculous ecards, for a while.

Catsdontcare Tue 12-Mar-13 11:06:04

Starlight has it spot on my db as apergers and is in his 30's he can be a complete selfish, inconsiderate arse piece to my mum despite all she does for him. But with others he can be extremely considerate and thoughtful. The only difference is there is usually something in it for him.

Catsdontcare Tue 12-Mar-13 11:15:05

Just before I get pasted for calling my db names in my defence we are all expected to make a grand hoopla of his birthday or christmas he places lots of importance on receiving lots of cards and gifts so he does know that these things can be important to others.

He rang me up last month to ask what DS would like for his birthday I gave suggestions and as it was he sent nothing, not even a card.

I got a text two weeks after ds's birthday wishing him a happy birthday and that he will be buying a present and bringing it when he comes to stay this weekend (news to me he was coming to stay!) but that's the point he has decided he wants to come to stay so is now happy enough to partake in gift buying.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 12-Mar-13 16:50:43

i suppose im going to have to try to explain to him but he will get defensive and we will probably argue, and i dont want an argument. I just want him to remember me from time to time.

He txt DH last night asking what was up with me. DH is burying his head in the sand - it would help if he would talk to him, he will be impartial. but i doubt he will.

Ineedmorepatience Tue 12-Mar-13 16:57:45

Hi vicar I totally get why you are fed up.

I cant say too much atm but I am having similar issues with Dd1.

She did actually bring me something on mothers day(for the first time) but our relationship is really struggling sad

troutsprout Tue 12-Mar-13 17:05:10

I can sympathise too
It's so very thankless ... With so little coming back.
I wonder what prompted the late text ? Wonder if it was the girlfriend?

Badvoc Tue 12-Mar-13 19:12:06

Your love for him is unconditional,
He knows that.
Ergo, you get treated like crap.
So sorry its upset you.

Ineedmorepatience Tue 12-Mar-13 19:52:22

I agree about the unconditional love thing badvoc but sometimes I wonder if we should allow ourselves to throw the towel in without judging ourselves or fearing being judged by others. It is really hard to continue to do this for years and years sad

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 12-Mar-13 20:10:36

he rang earlier - i answered - he said he had dialled by accident. he asked me what was wrong, so i told him.

he couldnt get off phone quick enough.

im wearily resigned to it but it doesnt mean i dont feel it every now and then, he hasnt tried to call back. i text him to say not to get anything now and that i had got myself something as a combined birthday and mothers day gift.

heard nothing back. no text. nothing.
he will avoid me now until he thinks ive forgotten about it.

Badvoc Tue 12-Mar-13 20:32:37

You have every right to be upset vicar.
He is being incredibly selfish.
You have had a very tough few months and this must really feel like a kick in the teeth when you are down.
My post was not meant to imply you shouldn't be upset or feel the way you do.
It's not the same thing, but I have very much thrown in the towel with my siblings since last year.
As ineed says, it is hard to continue for years and years.
Not easy to do, but I am more at peace since I did so.
I am very much of the opinion now (hey it's only taken me til I was 40!) that I will only let things affect me if I can change the outcome and therefore it not affect me anymore.
I no longer expect them to give a crap, so the pain isn't there. A lingering sadness perhaps, but tbh even that is fading.
Would be nice if your dh would take his head out of the sand, but mine is the same so no words of advice there!l

thriftychic Tue 12-Mar-13 22:51:40

i was in tears on mothers day , ds2 is 14 , dh had been out and about with him all day on saturday whilst ds2 spent his own money on things he wanted in the fishing shop etc . dh had tried really hard to get him to buy me a card and he refused , in the end he said he would just make me one . he didnt , he gave me nothing. made me a cup of tea though which is something but he is utterly selfish and also really dislikes me because i 'tell him what to do'
i felt really shit about it all on sunday , dh thought i was being a bit pathetic hmm
i did the same and bought myself something smile

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