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HELP! Cant get ds to comply with meds and FII against me? PLS HELP!(117 Posts)
I recently decided not to expect anything from my DS school.
They don't help because they don't see what we see (even when he is spinning past them ten feet away from the teachers in the playgroup
he never spins or flaps Mrs Babieseverywhere )
AND because they do not believe me.
I have decided to give up school wise...to keep my own mental health and to allow me to work on issues outside school. School wise he will either get better or worse, I will wait and see what happens.
I read this thread last night.
I had to post/revive it. Only because it hit home to me like possibly few other threads ever have done before.
Ds1 was diagnosed AS. School never agreed or supported me. They recently accused me of Fii. Has been truly awful.
And I have been given lots of very good advice, over the years, from MN. Most of which I took. Some, minor bits I didn't, or didn't feel I could.
But reading this hit home to me like never before.
Especially BeeMom's. Mareey Bochead and Lougle's and others.
Why was I fighting? Seriously, WHY?
I thought I was fighting just to get my son the couple of minor bits of support he needed. (because he had no support whatsoever, no IEP, no nothing). But was I?
All Mn had said this is disgraceful, do this do that, move school etc. get the school to ......
But really, I had lost perspective.
Social services said that the school had victimised me. A parent with a son also on ds's class, read the notes for me. She is lovely, but not my friend and thus hopefully objective and she also said the victimisation was shocking. I then told her what SS had said.
But none of this helps. A lot of damage has been done to me.
But I need tot take on board what this thread has said, gain perspective and move on.
I just wanted to thank those previous posters. sometimes someone phrases things so eloquently, that it just HITS HOME.
I only hope that I truly have the self control to actually REALLY take in on board.
Well done your DS and DD. Hope things are getting better for you.
hows it going op? I guess you probably have another week off school, what are your plans?
hi miemohrs, glad you took a good break and glad you're back. Having a 'weekend-only' DH sounds like a good medium term plan.
A school can only completely ruin only 32.5 hours of 38 weeks per year at most. And even a really rubbish school usually has the odd bit of worthwhile stuff buried in the sea of dross. Parents can reduce the 'hangover' effect of dodgy schooling on weekday home life, and thankfully most weekend / holiday time is ours to play with .
If you want to form a mutual support society to beat the "analysis paralysis" I'm happy to tag along .
A hefty swig of "fook it, I'm gonna do it anyway" is the best place to start, (in my case usually with a trip to the park with child and dog).
My gut suspicion is that every time you approach this desirable mental state your DH says something dumb that sticks the knife in, undermining your belief in yourself. I cannot imagine having to through what I did a couple of years back with an unsupportive partner as the monkey on the back of my own doubts.
For most things nowadays there are online courses run by someone, somewhere. I've come across CBT style stuff online for sure which has helped me with "analysis paralysis" at times.
From where I'm standing the weighted blanket is a major win on your part, take it as a sign that not all in authority hate your guts. Giggle at my short-sighted inept squinting over the sewing machine to make my own, as that's one battle I've had to admit defeat on recently. Noone wins them all.
"Seems the general advice is to keep fairly schtum and see what happens?"
If I were you, I'd be looking for a school who wants you to tell them about your DS. Not about what's terrible and hard and dreadful, but about what makes him tick, what he enjoys, what he adores. Because if they want to know about the child themselves, they will want to meet their needs.
But they could only know about the sleep issues from you, unless they have spent time overnight with you, which they haven't.
As for new schools, all you need to do I phone and see if they have room and apply.
If you want to move, move.
If you want to seperate from your husband, do.
You don't need anyone's permission to do anything.
I think you might want to focus on literacy at home, if that is the real issue. There are lots of apps and reading schemes. Lots of activities to support handwriting. Just google.
It is. I also (sorry) just don't believe your ds is being targetted and deliberately excluded or left out because the school don't like you. Sorry, but I suspect there were others left out or other factors you aren't aware of. That's the stuff that makes you sound unbelievable and whatever else you do, please don't hint at that stuff to the new school.
I am absolutely convinced that the school are not seeing what you see, that you are right that they could do more. That is different to a belief that they are bullying a small boy and I think you are mixing the two.
If this was RL I would have found a nicer way to say this. Sorry.
Analysis paralysis (as defined by the boc )
Inability to see the wood for the trees due to fretting in circles over every little detail.
Excessive fear of doing the wrong thing leading to total inertia in practical terms
Inability to develop the rhino hide required by all parents of SN kids at some point.
Desperately wanting to have positive relationships with even the most spiteful, unreasonable individuals and selfblame when this just isn't possible.
Constantly trying to fix stupid.
paralysing guilt over an inability to make the world perfect for your chid within the existing constraints.
1. Tell the world to go hang itself, ignoring the housework and taking your children to the park for at least 30 mins every day. (Or baking cupcakes, or painting, or watching trash TV or whatever activity it is that you and your child espcially enjoy doing TOGETHER).
2. Recognising that sometimes (more often than you think actually) even the wrong decisison is a valid step on the path to where you actually want to end up. Doing nothing guarantees that nothing will change.
3. Accept the world isn't fair and fretting won't make it so.
4. Accept that ome stuff you can't change, you can always change yourself.
5. Accept some wars are unwinnable.
The above all sounds rather trite & I'm living proof that actually implementing it is easier said than done. I do get that, but for the sake of your kids you need to, and fast.
In your shoes I'd honestly forget about school for the time being- they have said quite clearly they have no intention of helping your child. It's a battle you KNOW you can't win.
Refocus your energies closer to home for a few months. Start by building up your own self-esteem and mental strength. If that takes utilising private or charitable sources to get personal or family therapy, then do so. Then on what you can do to help your child within the home.
I got told off for attending a private self-funded parenting course on ASD & challenging behavior by a CP SW during the grim pre-diagnosis years. Considering the official reason I was given for their involvement was my child's behavior I was left gobsmacked and feeling as I suspect you do, that nothing I tried was ever going to satisfy the authorities. I didn't need their permission to source, or attend the course, nor to implement what I'd learnt, so I smiled sweetly at them and just got on with it.
Those hours your child is not at school belong to you alone, I excercised my god-given right to raise my child to the best of my ability in the time allocated to me. I'll never apologise or be made to feel bad by anyone for doing that.
The pead, evil though she is, has no legal power to place you under house arrest (like happens to political dissidents in Burma). Therefore you CAN move if you want to. There is nothing stopping you taking your kids and going to live in a caravan at the other end of the country like a 1980's grunge traveller, except your on fears. (Hell you could even grow pink dreadlocks to match if you wanted to!).
Your marriage - at some point you have to take responsibility for your own part in this. If the relationship is potentially damaging to your children's emotional well being you can end it. Noone is holding a shotgun to your head to make you stay in it.
This week I've ordered the fabric to make my own damn weighted blanket, and the wood is cut for the stairgate. A terms worth of nonsense from the authorities is enough for me, and I wouldn't have procrastinated that long if I hadn't been ill.
I dip in and out of your threads because I can't always think of anything constructive to add.
I think beemoms posts have been very straight and sensible, as have many of the others giving similar input.
My gut feeling is you need to stop thrashing around and get on with it. lougle is quite right to point out the circular nature of you supporting evidence. Using reports based on your own parental input to support your position and increase your conviction is illogical.
There is no earthly point in dragging your son to scouts. There is every reason to get him to school. What are you doing to support his education at home?
I think you probably need some outside help with your relationship. Certainly it would help your ds if you were happier about the set up.
Well, the more you tell someone the less you can take back iyswim.
Not sure if this will help, but I spent three years trying to work out what was wrong with my hand. Investigations etc nothing, suggested stress by gps. finally I recd a diagnosis, physio cured it, and all is well. I can tell people what a horrid time it was. during that time tho, people tended to think the professionals must be right, and it was psychosomatic?
In the end, its all a leap of faith. There aren't that many terrible schools that aren't obviously so by one means or another- most are good or okay.
Okay, do your research via the good schools guide and ofsted. All schools have to meet sen requirements, so theoretically he will be looked after wherever he goes. You can only get a feel for a school by looking round, ask a few general sen questions but keep to we have concerns, never reached a general consensus, how would you let me know if you felt he was having difficulties.
Maybe, but I wonder what you are saying to make a school leap to thinking you want a special school? That's weird.
Locally, and I think, in england, the local authority co-ordinates in year (casual) admissions for maintained schools while academies and free schools do their own.
You just ring and ask to have a look round. I can't remember what the DK report said, but I would be really kind of 'we've had concerns, and a couple of school changes, we've never really got agreement on where his difficulties are, but I'm sure you'll get the paperwork if he comes here. What sort of facilities do you have for those with asd traits, or more vulnerable socially?'
How about just phoning a school and saying 'do you have a place in x year, please?'
If they have a space, they have to take him.
what you do is apply as a casual admission. The school records will follow (should be within 15 days under English system). Schools deal with families who have/ have had social services involvement all the time. you want stand out unless you put yourself out there. So don't.
Say nothing at the walk round to see if you like it. At the meeting when he goes to one keep it simple. 'We've had worries/concerns for a while; he's had different assessments, but nothing has been very clear. Perhaps we could schedule a review in three months to see how he is getting on.'
Then just resist all temptation til then.
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