Please can anyone offer me an insight into my DD's behaviour and some advice as to the best way to parent her, because to be quite honest, I am rapidly losing the will to carry on.
I'm not sure what the alternatives are, apart from to keep plodding along, but I'm not really getting anywhere, or at least, that's how it feels to me.
I have decided that the best thing is to be completely honest here, so I hope I don't get too much of a flaming.
DD is 4 and a half.
Most of the time, dd is lovely, she is chatty and funny and bright, but whenever she cannot get her own way, she throws the mother of all tantrums. She is very defiant and destructive and will hit, spit or scream at me. She will deliberately break/smash things too if at all possible. I do tell dd this is not acceptable in a firm voice and then where I am able to, I ignore. dd is not bothered if i ignore her, when she is naughty, she doesn't respond to any discipline whatsoever, nothing bothers her. No matter what priviledges I remove, she continues the bad behaviour. No matter how firmly I speak to her, she continues dribbling spit and screaming.
Short of physically picking dd up and moving her to a safe place, there is not much else that I haven't tried to discipline dd or to get control over the situation that has worked.
I can't adequately explain how defiant dd is.
As a baby, dd was fine, ate well, slept well, seemed perfectly fine, but once she was old enough to pull herself up to a kneeling position in her cot, she began headbanging. The headbanging was ferocious and continuous. I contacted my HV who advised me to ignore, said it was all attention seeking, and I was to ignore at all costs.
I tried this, but to be honest, the constant thud thud thud was beginning to annoy me, so I tried distracting dd. This was not effective for more than a few minutes at most but I continued distracting for years just to make the bloody noise stop. I live in quite a new house and the soundproofing is not good, which means that if dd headbangs over the other side of the house to me, it sounds like someone is hammering a nail into a wall. It has been like living with permanent DIY going on, day in and day out for years.
If I removed dd from the cot to stop her headbanging, she would headbang on any hard surface she could find.
Over the years, I have repeatedly sought advice from the HV, the GP, and have seen a consultant paediatrician. All of the advice was to ignore.
dd would headbang when she was tired or feeling any negative emotion. She would headbang on concrete floors, walls, cot bars, backs of chairs, doors, the back of her car seat whilst in the car and anywhere else she could. It is so violent that my car bounces around and I can feel it when I am driving. 
My next door neighbours attempted to have me evicted on the grounds of noise nuisance and things are very strained between us even now.
Despite the advice to ignore, that dd would outgrow it, I tried distracting, or removing whenever she was doing it.
It took until dd was 4 before it has improved, and it doesn't happen much now.
Only now, it has been replaced with rocking and chanting. When I say chanting, I mean at the top of her voice. Usually when dd is tired or experiencing negative emotions.
dd rocks herself to self soothe I think, only it has torn apart my sofa, from grabbing hold of the edge and rocking back and forwards ferociously for months on end, every day, multiple times a day whilst rubbing her hair against the sofa, and chanting loudly.
Whenever dd begins rocking and chanting, I can feel my blood pressure rising!! I really really can't abide the sound, so usually cannot ignore for very long, as well as the sound of my sofa creaking and groaning with the force.
dd rocks in bed at night to go to sleep, and has a bald patch on her head from all of the head rubbing.
She also kneels facing backwards on my dining chairs and rocks back and forth, causing the legs to continuously bang onto the hard floor, and it is very loud. I can hear it at the end of my garden.
Nothing stops her. I don't want the noise of her doing it. I don't want my furniture broken to satisfy her incessant need to rock and bang.
My intense hatred of the rocking and banging effects the way I discipline dd. I have got to the point where I will do almost anything to make her stop, although I realise that is foolish.
When dd is naughty, I cannot give her a time out because she will start headbanging.
I cannot sit her on a dining chair for timeout because she will rock and bang the legs of the chair.
I usually remove toys, tv or something else she values to discipline her, and speak to her firmly. It has no effect.
I have tried seeking help for so many years and have asked for so much help, but I am only ever told to ignore the bad behaviour, use positive reinforcement and time outs. I cannot use timeouts because of the resulting banging. No one seemed to take me seriously, until dd started school. Now she has started school, at last someone else can see how defiant and uncontrollable dd can be, not all of the time I must say, but when she is annoyed/angry, which is obviously quite often.
She has bitten other children, and the school are concerned about dd's erratic mood swings. They say her behaviour can be extreme, that she kicks, punches, slaps and bites and can be unpredictable. She can be very defiant, using adult language in context aggressively. (no examples here)
School say she headbangs and kicks out, her moods are difficult to read and her responses are inconsistent.
School say her behaviour has improved slightly since starting school, and when her mood is 'read' correctly, they make progress but on some days, no approach works. Confrontation causes defiance.
I have been living with these behaviours for years, and have asked for help so many times that I am convinced no one knows what to do for dd, so they advise me to ignore, which clearly isn't getting control of the situation.
I have completely lost hope that someone somewhere can help dd, and help me to parent her effectively.
If you have any idea what I can do to help dd, without creating WW3 with my neighbours, or without having to listen to the same chant over and over for hours and hours and hours, or the incessant banging, please tell me.
I wonder if there is an underlying cause to dd's behaviour, or whether it is just shit parenting on my behalf. I have cut out all unnatural foods and drinks from her diet, it has made no difference to her behaviour.
I am dreading this half term holiday.
I am a single parent with no support from exp and very little support from family. I am now worried I am going to lose the few friends I have because of dd's behaviour. I'm sure they secretly blame my inadequate parenting. I tend not to take dd to friend's houses over the holidays because dd can be unpredictable and aggressive.
It seems that no matter what I ask dd to do, she always always does the opposite. Always!!
Sorry for the long post, but thank you for getting this far.
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
I don't think I can cope for much longer. :o(
spongebobandpatrick · 15/02/2013 17:21
Hi sponge and welcome to the board, how difficult for you. It is horrible when no one listens to you.
What is your Dd'development like generally? It sounds as if her social skills are a bit delayed.
What kind of thing does she lose it over?
I would recommend starting a diary of her behaviours/issues. Make a note of any behaviours which worry you, what triggers them and how you deal with it(to show consistancy).
While you are completing your diary go to your Gp and get a referral to a developmental paediatrician. Dont take no for an answer you are entitled to be referred.
Also ask school to keep some detailed notes and make some observations of her behaviour.
Keep coming on here for advice and support
You've already seen a Paed, haven't you? Did they have any explanation for why your DD headbangs, apart from for attention? It sounds much more extreme than attention seeking. It sounds like your attempts at seeking help have been largely ignored. Do you think your DD may have some diagnosable condition, like ASD or PDA?
There is a behavioural approach called ABA that might be worth investigating. Others on the board can advise you about it. No expert, myself. Could you get SS help to get some sort of safe space for your DD to be able to use time out more effectively? Ie somewhere safe that she can't headbang or hurt herself?
It sounds so draining, I hope you get some good advice. X
Go to your GP today and ask for a referral to a neurodevelopmental consultant peadiatrician. the early years services have let you down in not doing this for you before. While waiting for the appointment keep a diary and ask school to do the same. If you can video some of the behavior at home and at school it may also help.
Things to look for in the diary.
Take a note too of any sensory issues - is she at her worst when it's cold, or she wears wool clothes or when the radio is on? Often sensory stuff is overlooked, but there are numerous therapies available now that can make a MASSIVE difference.
Time of day of worst behaviors - sleep problems can cause awful behaviors in young children & it's about quality of sleep, not just duration. It can also pinpoint if there are any transitions she find particulalry hard like bedtime or going into lessons after play etc.
Diet - keep noting if only to rule out for the pead that it's not e numbers central in your fridge 
When is she at her best? For a long time my lad was calmest when stroking the dog, for another child it may be when they are painting or playing a computer game etc. This will eventually help give you the building blocks you need to help her, so don't think noting what's happening when she's happiest/calmest/easiest to cope with is a waste of time.
Read the book "123 magic" - it's what the best standard parenting courses are based on and you can ingest all it contains in a weekend. Try implementing the suggestions so that you can in all honesty state to any professionals who may ask that you've already implemented the current "gold standard" parenting techniques for children with no underlying disabilities. This may help speed things along a bit.
To answer as many points as possible;
I don't think dd's social skills are delayed, in as much as she speaks well, can express herself well, and is a proper little chatterbox. In fact, she doesn't stop talking. 
She seems to be getting to grips with letters and can read and write her own name, although admittedly it is a short name.
She has a fantastic imagination, much more imaginative than other children I know. She talks about things that haven't happened as if they are real, people she doesn't know etc etc. Made up characters in her imagination.
Her development seems ok, although I have little idea of what she should be doing IYSWIM.
She has a huge trampoline in the garden, and goes on that a lot. She loves it!!
The paed had no other explanation apart from the attention seeking.
Everyone who gets a glimpse of dd thinks she is a bright adorable little girl, and they tell me her behaviour is typical of her age group, that it is normal to watch a 4 year old like a hawk all of the time, but every time anyone else has watched dd for me, which is rare tbh, they suddenly change their tune.
They tell me that watching dd is harder than watching their own 3 or 4 children. They say that they didn't realise that when I said I cannot take my eyes off of dd for a second, I meant it literally.
I believe my son is HFA, and I am beginning to think there is an underlying cause for dd's behaviour, yes.
I cannot afford private treatment, I am on benefits at the moment, and receive no help or maintenance from exp. I am due to go onto JSA, and I would really like to go back to work, but I cannot foresee a CM looking after dd for me, nor do I think I could expect family members to look after dd. The family members I have believe in discipline that I think is cruel to dd, and not what I would do myself.
SS have been involved and that is because of exp fabricating allegations, he is an abusive man and has never forgiven me for ending our relationship and moving on. I told SS all about dd's behaviour and they thought it was the effect of exp and I splitting and exp in and out of dd's life like a yo yo. I asked them for funding for nursery sessions when dd was 2 and a half but they refused and said they didn't have the funds available. I never asked them for anything else. I wonder if they think 'mud sticks' so I am uncomfortable about telling them that I am struggling tbh. Exp wants dd removed from me to punish me, hence the many unsubstantiated and unfounded allegations. (I know this is sounding worse and worse, so sorry, maybe I am just a crap mother, well I know I am or I wouldn't have these problems or at least I would have a lot more patience with dd, which I'm afraid I don't have, my whole life is one of stress to the point that I get chest pains. Hey ho, that's my life I suppose. )
I'm sure the school think I am an ineffective crap parent too because the teacher is constantly advising me on how to parent dd, which usually runs along the lines of 'cruel to be kind, show dd who's boss' kind of thing.
I want to thank you all for posting. This is the most support I feel I have had in 4 years. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
No probs
On walks you can collect items to make a collage, we have done leafy ones and even shells and stuff, using really strong glue.
Or you can do collect an object for every letter of the alphabet, be flexible for Q,Z, etc.
Dd3 loves muddy walks and sailing boats in the stream too.
Good luck
I have just read this and the diagnostic criteria.
I can relate to it all. The swearing resonated with me. dd has been known to shout 'bollocks' in the supermarket, has called one of her TA's a 'bastard' and seems to fall out with the same TA over and over, usually resulting in dd kicking this particular TA.
Good advice from everyone upthread. Will concentrate on quick fixes myself.
Screeching (either of you can wear them )
mike/headphones
Rocking and bouncing
£8 Ikea rocker
jump o lene
swing
hoppy horse
boingy steps
£7 cheap gym ball at argos
Ideas
Occupational therapy assessment. Ideally via school, but worth getting a private 'sensory trained' OT for a home visit first. Apply for DLA (just from what you've mentioned so far, at least middle care / lower mobility: ie about £70/week).
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