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Quick - Do I keep DS1 off school today? Nativity is stressing him.

(13 Posts)
thisisthestory Wed 12-Dec-12 08:59:59

DS1 (5.5) HF ASD, mainstream, has his nativity play today. He has been getting more and more stressed about it, refusing to go to school, being aggressive to his little brothers, fighting me off when getting dressed etc.

He is terrified of having to dress up, and also the noise. He was sobbing his heart out last year in the nativity, and I see little benefit from him doing this activity TBH, as the distress caused outweighs any benefits.

His school do not recognise his diagnosis, despite letters from his paediatrician confirming his diagnosis. He is the model pupil at school, hard working, and able to do his work. But when he comes home he just explodes with stress, throwing chairs, attacking me and his siblings, smashing his own Lego models etc.

Am I doing him any favours by keeping him home, and thus allowing / encouraging / rewarding avoidant behaviour? He is an avoidant person - how much pushing out of comfort zone is appropriate? Am I making a rod for my own (and DS's) back by bunking off the nativity and thus confirming to the school that I am a shit parent?

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine Wed 12-Dec-12 09:01:02

Keep him off..his distress is more important than what the school think!

(it's hard though I know!)

thisisthestory Wed 12-Dec-12 09:06:46

Yes, I think you're right. School will condemn me, but they are frankly shit. Last year I was told that his "autism" hmm is just caused by my bad timekeeping - despite us starting the day at 6am he would arrive at 9:45am on average, due to a 2 or 3 hour process of getting dressed and fed. All they see is an unkempt mum arriving unwashed at school with her late child, who in their eyes has no problems at all hmm sad

Well, they think I'm shit anyway, and this is about real distress rather than just "I don't want to" stuff.

I'll drop off DS2 at playgroup then we can go to the shops smile

Thanks for the advice, we are not understood in RL, due to DS1's "invisible" ASD...

He has a stinking cold, so I suppose we can honestly use that as a reason.

thisisthestory Wed 12-Dec-12 09:13:47

Feel so fucking guilty tho. But I'd feel guilty anyway so.... grin

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine Wed 12-Dec-12 09:15:04

It's school who should feel guilty IMO, they sound appallingly ignorant.

starfishmummy Wed 12-Dec-12 09:19:57

Keep him home and have a nice day.
That cold seems bad today!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Dec-12 09:34:27

His cold alone is reason enough to keep him off today.

On a wider level I would be now looking at other schools. This one clearly does not want to help your son even if there was something like a statement in place. It seems that the school are both unable and unwilling to meet his additional needs (your son seems to be bottling up all the frustrations of the school day only to take it all out on you when he is home; that is commonly seen when their needs at school are not being met).

Does he have a statement?. If he does not I would apply for this from the LEA asap. IPSEA's website has template letters you can use:-www.ipsea.org.uk

thisisthestory Wed 12-Dec-12 13:05:13

Thanks all.

Indeed we do need to look at a different school. I am repeatedly told that there is no problem hmm and DS1's diagnosis is totally ignored by the school. Last year we were told he would not be able to keep his school place due to his constant lateness, and later due to his poor attendance, despite him having very good attendance with only a couple of legitimate absences (chickenpox, and a couple of colds).

I kept him off today. He has been smashing toys and throwing chairs and has burst his little brother's (3.8) lip sad

It would be far easier for me to just send him off to the hell of the nativity, but I have put him first and will no doubt have to pay a price later for this.

I don't understand what motivates the HT to actually ask me if he has a diagnosis - despite having been sent letters from the Paed confirming this. We have had meetings, but the things that are agreed don't happen.

WTF sad

thisisthestory Wed 12-Dec-12 13:08:34

DS's problem is the invisibility of his ASD. He is so good at keeping a lid on it all.

I do see his teachers POV - he is a model student, with no visible difficulty in class. They have told me I am making a fuss about nothing, and DS1 loves school.

But HT has had this all explained by 3rd parties and refuses to listen to professional advice - no excuse is there? I am now being told that his anxiety is all caused by his home life. Fucking awful.

angry

merrymouse Wed 12-Dec-12 21:29:09

I think the school are saying "His autism is currently not impacting negatively on us or our ability to fulfil our duties to other pupils, therefore we see no reason to provide additional support". I'm sure they would see things differently if he were kicking off in school.

thisisthestory Thu 13-Dec-12 13:19:57

Yes, if he threw chairs in class it would be different. A couple of days ago I counted the duration of his meltdowns - 2 hours in the morning, and 4.5 hours after school, before DP came home. It is just gruelling. Paed offers no support, except Parent to Parent, who come round when DS1 isn't there - so what is the point of that?

mariammama Thu 13-Dec-12 18:45:17

Ah yes, the 'he was late, so had a bad day' error. NO, you numpty, he was late because it was a bad day.

All those highly educated professionals must have crawled into their uni lectures late at least once. And it was the night of excess that made them learn nothing, not the fact they were late

Why don't they know that ASD can make a child feel just as poorly?

maxybrown Thu 13-Dec-12 18:53:38

ah the invisible autism eh? god I know how you feel - I am keeping DS off on Monday - it's the Christmas party, he hates parties and hates the school anyway so he's staying at home with me smile

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