how do I help ds cope with mistakes/failure?

[signandsmile]

Ds is 6 (ASD and LD) in MS school and we have major problems with spellings. He is doing well, and school have been fab, but we are stuggling with coping with making mistakes, or getting things wrong.

He is part of a sub group of kids who do three spellings a week rather than the 6 that the rest do, which is fine, and he can learn / do the spellings, but he is always in floods of tears if he doesn't get 3 out of 3. If it's the first one he gets wrong he is so distraught he can't complete the others..

We have done lots of 'people make mistakes and it's ok', you are learning and trying, so not right yet is just part of that' and 'look what you have got right' and not mentioning mistakes etc etc

and I know the issue is part of his ASD 'things must be finished or completed-ness'

just wondered if any of you wise women had any tips?

[StarOfLightMcKings3]

can you offer him a reward for every spelling he gets right plus an extra one for not getting upset about any wrong ones?

[signandsmile]

useful suggestions both of you, thanks,
star we already have a choc button for each correct, but i like the idea of a not worrying one too... will def try this.
goose also useful ideas, I am at college, but hadn't thought to explain about doing 'enough to pass', we can set up lots of examples to model this for ds, (especially as grampy is doing basic literacy at college, and I have been talking to ds (in grampy's hearing ) about how proud I am of grampy for learning new things...)

I knew you wise women would have some ideas,

[Ilisten2theradio]

DS used to be more like this than he is now.
He wouldn't even start something if he wasn't sure he could do it right, and would destroy the work when it went wrong.

All the above suggestions sound good.
Also I was wondering, is he a bad looser at games too?
We used to play simple board games. I would deliberately loose and then have a shouting/overturning the board fit for the benefit of DS and then when he was shocked, have the conversation about how we all loose sometimes but what is important was how we deal with it. So I would be there going " its not fair. You always win. Why is it not my turn? I don't want to play any more if I can't win" etc etc. It was very OTT but was useful as a conversation starter to show how unrealistic the approach was.

Also the pointing out every time you make a mistake, and that the world hasn't ended as a result and that you can learn from it for next time. It also models the fact that all adults make mistakes too, and this is how we learn.

[myxmastreelookspants]

Oh dear my Ds is very similar, it was an absolute nightmare last year due to his Yr 2 SATS. He gets very frustrated if he can't do something or gets something wrong. I have always said things like "its ok to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes at the end of the day thats how we learn" and "always try your best, if you know you have tried your best then you should be happy with that" WELL it caused him so much frustration at school because unfortunatly due to him being very articulate with his speech his teacher for that year was hell bent on him producing work to the same standard to make himself look like he was doing his job...I believe he had a poster in his classroom which said "Just because you have tried your best doesn't mean you can't try harder" and that was exactly what was expected from the little 6/7 yr olds in his class!. I am even guessing Ds probably quoted me during his tough times with his teacher which probably just made it even tougher for him.

I did the trying to help at home so he was prepared when he went into the classroom to take a little pressure off, now I just let him produce his homework to his own standards (spelling mistakes galore!) because he tends to make more mistakes when he is tired eg after school, so no amount of practicing will help just create more frustration, he has to copy out 10 of the same words twice every day of the week (yep including saturdays and sundays) and I don't think he actually ever spells them correctly even though he is copying from the correct word at the top! Now I try to concentrate on other things like if he is building and it breaks or he can't put something together because he tends to listen more if it isn't school work related.

[MyCannyBairn]

My dd loses the plot completely at home if she can't complete a task, watching with interest ...

[ilikemysleep]

Have you got the book 'mistakes that worked'? My aspie ds found it helpful in demonstrating that making errors is an important part of making anything.

[narmada]

My DD is like this also but is NT as far as we are aware....watching eith interest.

[signandsmile]

thanks for further ideas...

DS is only just 6 and (they say) has learning disabilities as well as the ASD, so he doesn't (yet) get involved explanations,

However..... good news, DS is very focused on food rewards, (do anything for a choc button ) so we tried stars 'never mind, I tried' button when he made mistake..... and it worked!!!!

Reminded him before we started a button for each right one, and 'what do we say if one goes wrong?' "oh dear, never mind, I tried" and there will be 'no fuss button' if he manages, and he did!!!

We always count out the buttons singly ( this one is for 'there' this one is for 'bike' and this one is for being calm etc)

also gonna think about a social story to expand this beyond spellings and buttons, if you see what I mean,

[crappypatty]

ds 8 is exactly the same, his TA did a really good social story about Inventors and Einstein (one of his obsessions,) about how making mistakes led them to new discoveries and perfecting inventions.

Whenever he is worried about something we write it down on a scrap of paper and throw it away. It would work really well if he knew what he was worried about before it got to meltdown, but its a start.