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How do you tackle the 'I don't have to because I have ASD' argument?

(16 Posts)
HotheadPaisan Sun 18-Nov-12 13:12:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisad123 Sun 18-Nov-12 13:54:10

Ask him to explain why his Asd means he can't do it? Betting he can't and if he can, then maybe it's true smile

HotheadPaisan Sun 18-Nov-12 13:58:19

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mymatemax Sun 18-Nov-12 14:04:23

Errmmm You do if i tell you as I am the adult, now do as you are told and dont be so cheeky.

Same answer i give both my ds'.
I wouldnt ask him to do something unreasonable & if i am pushing him a little too hard I wouldnt expect back chat like that.

I also would not allow him to play that card at school either.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Sun 18-Nov-12 17:41:39

I had this today for the first time and DS2 is 13! So maybe you won't get it for a while yet. smile DS2 said that French is too difficult for him because of autism! And he is probably right but I still made him do his homework. He did have a bit of a twinkle in his eye as he said it, so I think he was knowingly trying it on. (Must remember not to MN where he can read over my shoulder!)

streakybacon Mon 19-Nov-12 08:38:19

"Autism is the reason you find some things difficult, but it's not an excuse not to try."

Then you promise him all the help he needs to make it easier for him.

zzzzz Mon 19-Nov-12 09:41:48

I would go with,

"Actually ASD does make some things harder for you, but we need to practice those things more not do them less. Do you think you need extra practice with this XXXX?"

<Mother from Hell> grin

HotheadPaisan Mon 19-Nov-12 10:39:01

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HotheadPaisan Mon 19-Nov-12 10:43:11

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zzzzz Mon 19-Nov-12 11:39:53

."any ideas on why he takes the blame for things he hasn't done"

I would guess that he doesn't understand what "the blame" is. He hasnt got a strong firm understanding of why someone I responsible for some things and not others.

I think this is a REALLY important concept to work on. Make a game of it. Tell a story or watch a bit of telly or act something out with playmobil. Then ask "whose fault is it?". "who should say sorry". Start simple working towards more ambiguous scenarios.

Getting this on board will make rewards and punishments much more effective and life much more predictable.

HotheadPaisan Mon 19-Nov-12 13:45:51

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BeeMom Mon 19-Nov-12 13:52:15

I agree with mymate. In our house, there are NO excuses. Bee, despite her disabilities, is expected to be polite, clean up after herself, sit at the table for meal times etc. The same goes for DS.

I am not meaning to be crass, but if you allow him to use it "against" you, it will be his out forever. He will learn that he is special or above the tasks he dislikes, and use the ASD as an excuse. What he will not do, however, is learn how to manage his challenges and work within a framework that may seen odd to him.

In short - nip it in the bud. He is a child, you are the adult, and if he sees you using it as an excuse on his behalf, you have just given him blanket permission to do the same.

With that said, however... it can be an explanation (for you, at least) why he struggles to do certain things. It shouldn't earn him a ticket to avoid them, though.

HotheadPaisan Mon 19-Nov-12 14:07:26

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HotheadPaisan Mon 19-Nov-12 14:09:22

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BeeMom Mon 19-Nov-12 14:43:53

I understand not being able to do something in the manner asked, or at the exact moment... what i was getting at was using ASD as an excuse. We are forever trying to re-think ways to do things, or breaking them into smaller/less overwhelming tasks (chunking).

If you allow "because I have ASD" as the excuse, you give permission for avoidance. This is a perfect time to help with the creative thinking and roundabout problem solving. Sounds like this is exactly what you are doing - good on you!!!

Sigh, it sure isn't easy though, is it?

mymatemax Mon 19-Nov-12 19:16:20

Hothead, my ds2 is a very very anxious child, internalises everything, is not a runner (well cant be really he has cp too) but his anxiety is the most overwhelming of his disabilities.
We of course adjust all of our lives and there are things he cant do (we are virtually housebound at the moment, long story)
Us accepting there are things he cant do or will find difficult is very different to allowing him to answer with "I cant because im autistic"
Its no different to me allowing my NT ds to refuse to do something because "hes a boy" or "he's 12" or any other excuse he is likely to try.

The answer is the same. They are the kids & do as they are told.

I would however secretly be very impressed if my ds2 ever gets to the stage where he learns "excuses" ;)

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