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Sorry to be so needy...just worried and need advice

(29 Posts)
Lougle Wed 14-Nov-12 20:14:12

DD2 (5.3) has now been off school since half-term, so 8 school days off. Unprecedented for her.

I took her to the GP on 12/11/12 (Monday) to check if she is really poorly, or if she is faking expressing anxiety as physical symptoms. His verdict was that her glands in her neck were up, she has had a glandular response to an infection and her description of the tummy pain is most like mesenteric adenitis and very genuine.

She says she is poorly in the morning. By 09.00 ish she seems absolutely fine. Then she falls asleep before lunch. All afternoon she seems fine. By 6pm she is pale as a ghost, tearful, etc. Her appetite is reduced.

So, she seems to be too unwell for school. But then, there is the school issue, which seems to be mounting. She's normally a 'blood out of a stone' character. But over the last few days she has revealed:

-Friends are tricky because children follow me around the playground and all I want to do is drink.
-The classroom doesn't look like my old classroom and everything is in the wrong place.
-I don't like it that I have to do different (cursive) writing. I want to do my old writing.
-I want to be back in my old classroom where the bikes and trikes are.
-When it's noisy, it hurts my ears and gives me a headache. My classroom isn't noisy, but when we do music it goes 'cling clang clack' and it all hurts my ears. In my old classroom, we were next to <preschool class> and all the children came out near us at playtime and that was too noisy.

My confident happy child has disappeared. Today I took her with me to DD1's special school coffee morning. She spent the whole morning grinning at me inanely and hiding her face in my shoulder, peeking out from behind it. Of course, what people saw was a pretty cute girl, grinning, but she was whispering to me that she was shy.

Anyway, if you don't want to chuck me off board by now...

What do I do? I tried to arrange to take her to see her teacher tonight, but the helpful receptionist said 'staff meeting. Not possible.' I suppose she is not well for school, really...perhaps if she wasn't saying all this other stuff, I'd accept that. My head hurts.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Wed 14-Nov-12 20:43:40

Lougle, she does sound genuinely poorly, and perhaps because she's feeling fragile and tearful all her school 'worries' are coming out. It's a bit chicken and egg, are her worries causing her tummy ache and virus or her tummy ache and virus causing her to feel pathetic and anxious?

If it's any consolation, the transition from reception to year 1 is hard for many DC, with much less learning through play. And the autumn term is a killer, really long and tiring and with a glandular virus on top...

It's obviously worth talking through her sensory? concerns with the teacher, especially given her sister's issues, but this glandular virus may have been affecting her for a while.

mariammma Thu 15-Nov-12 01:19:13

Lougle, you're doing fine. She's poorly and instead of wasting the time off or forcing her back prematurely, with Calpol you're giving her lots of love and time to share all her various worries.

When she's better you'll be better able to sort through which ones are important, and which are less so. And sharing them with Mummy will have helped regardless.

zzzzz Thu 15-Nov-12 02:01:58

The single most important thing is that she feels loved, accepted, and happy. Everything, absolutely everything else rests on that.

She can't learn and grow and become the young woman she can be without having these things in place first.

Stop thinking about how to get her back to school quickly. Instead take a long hard look at her and see what you can do to help. Early nights, good food, slow baths and stories, colouring in and baking with Mummy. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was ready to go back in a week, but even a month now is worth the investment. 5 is really so little, give her time and space.

I had glandular fever at 14 and was knocked out for 3 months....she may be post viral, or just anxious but cosseting will help either way.

troutsprout Thu 15-Nov-12 02:57:15

Agree with marieamma .
She sounds poorly . She's dwelling on other stuff too undoubtably ... But I think she sounds very much like my dd who ( when poorly) feels like the sky is falling in.
See it as an excuse for pj's and cuddles ?

WofflingOn Thu 15-Nov-12 03:12:37

She sounds genuinely ill, and I'd echo all the things people are saying here.
However, it also seems as if there is a huge issue around how transition has been handled for her specifically from reception to Y1. Did the school do anything extra for her to ease the stress, or was she just given the same transition as everyone else?
You have a pretty detailed list so far, and I'd add to it as she reveals what she's finding hard. Then I'd have a good long meeting with the school to unpick how they are going to make all the reasonable accommodations that she requires so that she feels happy and safe in her new class. She's hanging onto you and is shy because the challenges she's got on her plate are too much at the moment, ill and stressed.
I'm puzzled that you think you are being needy though, this is a real issue that needs to be sorted out by the school and you are doing all the right things.

justaboutchilledout Thu 15-Nov-12 04:03:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lougle Thu 15-Nov-12 06:39:45

You are all so kind. Thank you. She isn't well. She fell asleep at 11 yesterday, then 5pm, then after dinner she was extremely pale and shivering. She never gets ill.

There was no specific transition, but she didn't seem to need one. Despite being youngest in year, she did well in Yr R (100/117 on EYFS scale).

WofflingOn Thu 15-Nov-12 07:01:39

Yup, that's often the case though. My DS is an Aspie, with no other comorbids or LDs.
But he needs his reasonable accommodations in the same way that a diabetic needs insulin. No one looks at my uncle and says 'Oh, you are fine, just look at you managing, you don't need that insulin' then gets surprised when he ends up in a coma.
Likewise, in school and at secondary, the teachers who didn't bother, or who disbelieved his dx and made no allowance for it were seeing explosive and aggressive meltdowns. So that's when me and the Big Talks with school started, and as they listened it became a positive and interesting learning experience for everyone. Rather than Krakatoa.

Lougle Thu 15-Nov-12 07:15:02

Because she has a 12th August birthday, her mannerisms are all put down to that. I asked her year R teacher if she was ready for year 1. She said that at times they could see that she was still 4, but that academically she'd be fine.

WofflingOn Thu 15-Nov-12 07:19:53

Academically she may well be fine, but it isn't that which is causing her to worry is it? She's not saying the work is hard and she just wants to play, but that the change is hard and the differences are impossible for her to manage at the moment.

WofflingOn Thu 15-Nov-12 07:20:26

DS used to run away in primary, they had big grounds and he was fast.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 07:23:36

I have no idea on the sensory stuff, but had Post Viral Syndrome/glandular fever at 18 and the symptoms pretty much match your daughter's - bursts of energy that completely wipe you out long before you'd normally expect to get tired. Even at 18 i struggled to put into words why I'd be able for double theatre studies in the morning then incapable of eating lunch (mum would run me to school for lessons so i didn't miss too much of my a levels)

HotheadPaisan Thu 15-Nov-12 07:27:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedalife Thu 15-Nov-12 08:50:27

It is easy for teachers to say that children are coping academically but there is so much more to school than that.

Dd3 has had some really low points since starting school, she has had several illnesses that have lasted a long time. I think her brain and body just cant cope sometimes and then she gets a cold and thats it she is floored.

I would definitely seek a referral to explore your Dd's issues.

Good lucksmile

Lougle Thu 15-Nov-12 09:05:51

Thanks. You are all right. It's not academically that she is struggling with. It's school life.

She's happily trying handwriting at home, I think once her 'home clothes' were on, it was the signal to her that I wouldn't force her to school.

Her teacher just telephoned. I was able to explain what she'd shared, and to give her credit, it was the teacher who was saying 'ahh she's hearing everything I'm saying in class and thinking it's all about her.'

So, I'm keeping her home until she's had a whole day where she doesn't fall asleep, and doesn't complain of tummy pain (other than when school is mentioned). Her teacher said that if she is just too tired, rather than actively ill, she can always go in for maths and literacy in the morning, then go home at lunchtime.

When she does return, her teacher is going to talk to her about handwriting, etc., and make sure that she knows she doesn't have to be really good at it, just try her best. She's also spoken to the school ELSA and DD2 will get some ELSA sessions on social interaction etc., to boost her friendship skills.

The teacher was helpful in telling me what they're doing at school, and suggested that I could do some money games with DD2.

Let's see.

Ineedalife Thu 15-Nov-12 09:24:39

That is really positive lougle, I wish somebody had offered Dd3 part time when she was struggling because lunchtime was a nightmare for her, all the noise and funny smells and being told to eat quickly.

I hope they deliver what the teacher has offered but in the meantime enjoy spending some quality time with your Ddsmile

troutsprout Thu 15-Nov-12 10:14:09

That's really good news Lougle . That must make you feel a bit better now that the school seem to understand the problems a bit?

Lougle Thu 15-Nov-12 14:09:47

Yes, it is positive. I do feel that the teacher genuinely wants to make it better. I suspect it is being seen as a 'tricky Yr R/Yr 1 transition' issue rather than a trend towards ongoing difficulties..but I can cope with that while we try and work it out.

Her anxiety levels are high, but on the surface she's fine. It's when I mention school to Mum on the phone and she shrieks 'are you talking about school, am I going to school?' that you realise just how sensitive she is to it all.

Badvocsanta Thu 15-Nov-12 14:18:14

Lougle wrt her health has the gp taken any blood?
I think she could be anaemic, have glandular fever, anything...I think it needs checking out.
Wrt school she is obv not week and as others have said the transition from reception to year 1 is very hard on lots of kids.

Lougle Thu 15-Nov-12 16:12:47

No bloods have been taken. GP seems happy that it's a glandular response to a virus/infection of some sort.

Lougle Thu 15-Nov-12 20:01:57

The poor girl is a bag of anxiety sad

She was worried about going to sleep tonight, in case we go out and leave her. We go out so very rarely, but she recalled an evening when she woke up and found that we were gone and a friend was here babysitting (I had taken my parents dog to the vet with Mum, vet said dog was dying, so we had to ask a friend to sit with the children while DH collected DF and drove him to the vets - a real emergency, and obviously wasn't going to wake her to tell her!)

She seems so fragile.

Ineedalife Thu 15-Nov-12 20:09:44

Bless hersad

Sorry lougle correct me if I am wrong but she doesnt have a dx does she?

My Dd3 struggled so much with transitions at her old school, she had no dx and school didnt believe she needed one.

Every year for 3 years she was destroyed by the first term, the second term she was ill and the 3rd she settled and got to know the teacher. Only to have to repeat the process again after the summer.

At her new school she has a passport with info about her to give to her new teacher[and supply]. She has nominated staff members who she has built a trusting relationship with that she can go and see if she is stressed.

She still doesnt tell anyone if she is stressed but the nominated staff have been told what signs to look for to help them identify when she needs help.

I think your school sounds like it would get on board with strategies like this. They havent cured Dd3's problems at school and she is actually struggling atm but things are much better and she doesnt actually worry herslf to the point of physically being sick.

I dont know if any of this would work for you dd but it might.

My Dd3 has ASD.

HotheadPaisan Thu 15-Nov-12 20:10:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lougle Thu 15-Nov-12 20:14:49

Thanks, that is really helpful.

I have given a letter to the GP. He wants to wait until she is well again to see her, then he will refer if he thinks he needs to.

She's already warned me that she 'won't be well for school tomorrow'.

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