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experiences of handling the everyday effects of asd on siblings?

(14 Posts)
imogengladhart Sun 11-Nov-12 14:43:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw4 Sun 11-Nov-12 15:04:23

I think it was wrong of him to make a huge fuss, but dont see a problem with him taking your dd, so she didnt have to 'miss out' if your ds didnt want to go or vice versa you taking your dd while he stayed at home with your ds.

Ineedalife Sun 11-Nov-12 15:06:19

TBH, when Dd3 was younger we generally went everywhere separately. DP would take one or two children and I would stay at home with Dd3 or the other way round.

I think probably with Dd3 being the youngest it was slightly easier because the older ones were busy doing their own thing and didnt really notice Dd3 other than to decide that she is a spoiled baby.

I was relieved when Dd3 finally recieved her diagnosis as I wasw able to clarify with the older Dd's that she does in fact have special needs. Not that it has really made much difference to their opinion of her.

imogengladhart Sun 11-Nov-12 15:19:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw4 Sun 11-Nov-12 15:38:58

My ds is very intolerant of others, especially if they are trying to tell him what to do, ds is far more intolerant of me and i can get things done without a total melt down. Do think this could be the case with your ds? Obviously your husband needs to get involved, i think we are all guilty to some extent of anything for a quiet life! Especially if your ds responds so much better to you, than him.

Rubbing it in, is wrong, but maybe your husband sees it as a way of trying to motivate your ds to do things?

Perhaps explain to him how you motivate and it might be better if everyone, including him uses the same techs, so as not to confuse ds?

claw4 Sun 11-Nov-12 15:39:51

Ooops that should have read far more tolerant of me, not intolerant!

BeeMom Sun 11-Nov-12 16:06:30

I am going to be a troublemaker for a moment and "prod the devil".

Is there even the slightest chance that H favours DD because he feels that you spend an inordinate amount of time with DS and his challenges and H is trying to make sure DD still feels like a valued member of the family? If he sees that the attention you give the DCs is uneven, he might be trying to tip the balance back to the centre by spending more of his time and attention on DD. I could be way off and have a feeling that your relationship with H is so strained that any sort of reasonable discourse about this is probably long behind you sad

I know that in this house, DH is stressed by and intimidated with Bee's care - he doesn't do things solo with her often, and he won't go out alone with her if she is still connected to her IV pumps. With that said, he will take her out for a while if I suggest it and she is not hooked up to equipment (last weekend, they went to the petting zoo to feed goats, for example, and left me home to clean the house). However, on the other hand, he does a lot with DS - they go canoeing every week through the summer, share a common hobby, and work in the garage together. As a matter of fact, they are out now at the Remembrance Day parade and service - they march together every year. This year, DH is commanding the honour guard, DS is the flag bearer.

There was a time when I was solo with the DCs - DH was living 200 km away during a transition period of several months between him starting a new job and the end of the school year when I would follow and bring the DCs.

At that time, I made sure that DS got lots of 1:1 time with me, even if we just watched TV together (he loves Doctor Who, and Bee is not allowed to watch it). We would sit and talk, do projects together, and at least once a week, he was the boss and got to choose an activity for us all to do. I was also "hard" on Bee - I made it clear that she was not the boss, and if she did not want to participate in whatever we were doing, that was OK, but we were not stopping and going home. I got no shortage of dirty looks and pointed statements, but in the long run, it got easier and easier, and Bee is a lot more flexible now for it. It was very difficult at the outset, though.

I still have a DS and Mum day with him at least once a month - and he dictates what we do. Cycling, hiking, sometimes a movie. From time to time, we'll just go to a cafe, grab a drink and a sweet and sit and talk for a couple of hours.

It certainly isn't easy, but in the interest of sanity, particularly if you suspect you will be flying solo sooner rather than later, you NEED to reinforce to DS that he is part of the family, and while he has input into family activities, he does not control them. Set up rules, reiterate them in a safe place many times before you venture out, and STICK TO THEM. At this point in time, Ds knows that he can change his mind repeatedly and you will go along - and if you resist and he kicks up enough of a fuss, he'll still win. The older he gets, the harder this behaviour will be to change.

imogengladhart Sun 11-Nov-12 16:22:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 11-Nov-12 16:26:29

Since DS1 has been off school he has become more resistant to going out and meltdowns have become a regular weekend occurence as he trys to stay home (and in his furry onsie). DH and I have to do things separately. He used to be able to take both boys out and give me some time alone but this is now a problem. DS1 originally tried to prevent anyone from going out at the weekend but now he accepts that he can choose to stay home with me (but I'm busy) or he can go with DH and DS2 but he can't control what everyone does. This weekend he chose to go with DH and DS2 - no meltdown. smile

imogengladhart Sun 11-Nov-12 16:30:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 11-Nov-12 16:40:05

For what it is worth DH can be a major prat and there is many a time when I think it would be easier on my own but I know that I don't always feel this way and being on my own would bring a whole new set of problems.

atm and for several months relations between DH and DS1 have been terrible with DS1 running a campaign for DH to leave (everybody hates you etc) and DS2 saying 'I don't hate him, I don't want him to leave' - DS1 making up stories about how DH tells him that he hates him and has ruined his life etc. It's awful. But then DS1 will tell me that he doesn't really mean any of those things and he would hate it if dad left.

On the other hand, your H might be a prat all the time - in fact he might aspire to being a prat. But sometimes I think the marriage is over for you but then H's opinions still seem to count (too much) and you are still trying to spend 'quality' family time. confused

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 11-Nov-12 16:45:44

No I don't think the more I 'let him' the worse he is but the opposite. I see it like he knows (right now not forever) what he needs in terms of self-administered tlc. But it is temporary as temporary coping mechanisms are tranformed by force of habit into difficult to shift bad habits over time.

imogengladhart Sun 11-Nov-12 16:51:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mymatemax Sun 11-Nov-12 16:53:15

sadly family activities are few & far between.
One of us usually stays at home with ds2 while the other does something with ds1.
If we are planning a family thing then we would try to make it something we all are able to do & sometimes I do make ds2 do stuff just to push him a little as he will always take the easy option.
But i always remind him after how well he has coped & hope I or DH never blame him when we aren't able to do things as a family.
However we also try to allow ds1 to do the things he loves too, he just accepts that only one of us will be with him.
Yes without a doubt it has an effect on ds1, i'm sure his school think dh & I are seperated as we are never seen at school things together.
DS1 has moaned at ds2 in the past when I've had to say no to things because of ds1, but thats fine he's a child & I must say much more understanding now he's a little older.
As mucha s i feel for ds1 at times I hope it will help shape him in to a more understanding, careing adult.

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