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Eldest child doesn't think her grandparents approve of her. Suggestions on how to mend their relationship

(6 Posts)
Wills Tue 06-Nov-12 18:39:04

I've put this under special needs because my daughter is highly ASD and to be really honest my mother in law displays an awful lot of symptons too! As for my father in law - wellll he's simply an opinionated grumpy old man that actually loves my daughter very much.

So what's happened? Well I think they struggled at first with her diagnosis and have had to do a lot of soul searching and thinking about the situation to discover that they think that it must be true and that they are also on the spectrum. But althought they've managed a lot they've not lost the end opinion that actually I as her mother am too soft. I know that lots and lots of parents of autistic/aspergic spectrum children get this opinion but they are struggling with her outbursts. A year ago she moved to a special needs school and since then has been a changed character with far fewer outbursts etc, but the damage to their relationship was already done. Now when they visit (and as they live over 3 hours away they visit for a long time) she is sullen and desperate not to be near them. Equally I'd say that her grandparents are trying very hard with her, especially her granny who herself does not like scenes of any emotion, both good and bad. Simply sitting down and talking to them both would scare them silly and I'm not sure they'd hear what I was saying. Equally asking a 12 year to make the move is little bit hard. So what should I do?

Inaflap Tue 06-Nov-12 19:51:54

Is it possible that they could come with you on a trip where your daughter is doing something she really enjoys. So if she is really into, say sailing or gym, or dance or drama, swimming, wharever then they come with you and her to the activity. That way she is involved and doesn't have to interract with them but they see a happy girl, from which some points of contact could be made. They would also see that she does stuff that other kids do and that might help them.

Wills Tue 06-Nov-12 22:43:48

She adores horses, which is also granddad's love BUT that doesn't seem to have worked! But the idea is good, I think she needs to bond better with granny who is rather aspergic herself in her serious dislike of emotion!!

mariammma Tue 06-Nov-12 22:47:25

Yep, low-intensity contact, as little and often as possible. Stay in premier inn if need be. And make them feel useful in some way.

Can you set up some short, highly planned sure-to-succeed events? Eg 'dad, could you give x a lift to the [favourite place eg sweet shop, cinema, whatever] while I get the younger ones sorted?'

mariammma Tue 06-Nov-12 22:49:16

Does MIL have any practical skills? My DS loves cake-making with anyone who's willing...

Wills Tue 06-Nov-12 23:37:52

Yes she has a lot of practical skills of which sewing might allow them to bond.... Def worth pursuing thanks. Getting them to do things outside the house is hardwork! But again worth considering further many thanks

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