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(8 Posts)
babiki Mon 05-Nov-12 12:52:57

Sorry this is not strictly SN perhaps, but not sure where else to turn. Situation is regarding my dear friend, who is in tears and feeling helpless. Sorry will probably be long as complex and muddled.
My friend (living in UK but not UK citizen) has got a 9years old DS, not officialy SN, but very challenging behaviour from the start, however every time things reach a peak, they suddenly come down and everything looks fine again (e.g.aggresive tendencies, tantrums). His father had to leave UK for 3 years ( was in prison in another country for financial fraud, long story but basics his biz partners were shady and he took the bullet, never suspected he will end up in prison) and the little boy was told his dad has to work abroad. Some time before this parents split up and my friend has got a partner and a little dd. So for 3 years if there was problems with ds, they tried to give him more love and attention etc, as obviously he must have been missing his dad.
Now the father came back and at first everybody is happy and behaving as old friends, my friend lent him money, let him stay in their house when he lost place to stay, etc - also throughout the whole stay in prison she was in touch and supportive, as wanting the best for ds who adores his dad.
Lately ds behaviour worsened towards the mum, she felt something is going on, but wasn't sure, then last week ds told her everything: basically the father has been telling him for weeks horrible stuff about the mum (half truths and twisted stuff), how she cheated on him with the new partner, how he had to cry alone in his office, and also, crucially told him the reason he was away for so long was because 'mum took him to court' so he couldn't see ds...Now of course the boy is heatbroken, confused and wary of his mum. His adores his dad a lot and takes everything he says extremely seriously. My friend is in total shock and despair, she feels she is loosing her son, we all cannot believe his dad talked to to the boy in this manner and about totally innapropriate issues too. The father also told his son not to say anything to mum. The boy now wants to move to his father...What should she do? This obviously needs professional help, but who can help? GP useless in the past with behavioural problems. Child psychologist? Where to get a good one? Or social services? The father does not feel he has done anything wrong and is continuing in similar manner, destroying my friend's and her partner relationship with ds. When she confronted the father, he is very manipulating and basically trying to convince her ds doesn't love her anymore and it's all her fault. She is very distressed as ds obviously damaged by all this that's going on. WWYD?

BeeMom Mon 05-Nov-12 13:50:03

To mess around with the mind of an already fragile child for personal gain tells me a lot about the character of the "father". In fact, it also hints to me that he was not nearly as innocent in what landed him in prison as he would like the world to believe.

I wish I could give you specific answers about where she can seek help, but sadly I am form Canada, where the systems are different. I would recommend though that a social worker or family court child advocate be consulted as soon as possible... this can only get more ugly.

moleskin Mon 05-Nov-12 14:00:47

What area are they in? I'd be looking for a child pyshologist for some therapy for him asap and to restrict visits with his father to supervised access only

babiki Mon 05-Nov-12 14:11:37

Thank you guys. They are in Essex. Yes, we are re-thinking everything regarding the fathersad On the other hand, he himself is fragile and on antidepressives now... Oh what a mess.

babiki Mon 05-Nov-12 14:16:48

Moleskin We were thinking along the same lines, but she is very frightened how ds would react, e.g runaway from home and similar. He doesn't want anything to do with his mum's partner, who works from home and used to spent a lot time with him. Also I forgot to add she has got full custody, the shared custody was agreed verbally and practiced as it seemed everything is fine... They are all non UK citizens ( except for the partner)

babiki Mon 05-Nov-12 16:40:00

Just a desperate bump, maybe somebody has got more thoughts?

PipinJo Mon 05-Nov-12 23:13:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PipinJo Tue 06-Nov-12 01:03:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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