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cant stop myself looking for problems

(5 Posts)
DrWhoNeverTires Mon 05-Nov-12 10:03:58

Its bad enough i do it with ds1 but now i seem to be automatically doing it with ds2. As many of you already know Ds1 is 6 and a half with sensory issues (seeking) and although sensory issues was confirmed by OT ive always been looking at behaviours wondering if its more. We are awaiting referal to CAHMS. With ds1 since he was 2ish ive picked up on all concerns, repetitive behaviours, tic like habits, over activeness etc i still find myself doing it with him, eg yesterday he kept flapping his hands ive done that much reading and researching to try and help us now i see things everywhere that may be nothing, much to dh's annoyment.

So now ds2 is 14 months, since he was a baby dh and i have seen how different he is to ds1. Much calmer a baby (ds1 was never settled) he sat up, crawled and walked early, seemed so much 'more with us' than ds1 ever did, good interaction, 'getting things' so much so i keep saying to people how clever he is to be told thats just normal, ds1 was never like that so not to me its not. So all in all should have no concerns but i still see myself worrying about little things, eg, ds2 rarely responds to his name just totally ignores you, now hes active he started running full pelt into things and people on purpose, he sits in front of a wall, unit etc and bangs his head off it progressively getting slightly harder, he shakes his head furiously side to side and laughs, this is probably all normal dh says hes just exploring new things but i cant stop doubts and wondering what if he is like ds1 what if hes worse! i really struggle with ds1 i cant control him he seems to actually enjoy misbehaving, im so exhausted with him and i dont want to be stressing about ds2 as well. Someone tell me to get a grip and stop worrying.

BeeMom Mon 05-Nov-12 14:33:55

Get a grip and stop worrying :D (you asked for it!)

Seriously... you have had a rough go with DS1, and it has affected you on a very deep level. You may be kicking yourself for "missing" things with him and are now hypervigilant with DS2 for fear of having to go through it all again. Your experience with DS1 is colouring how you interact with DS2, and possibly not in an entirely positive way.

In most kids, dh is right - the head shaking and banging is essentially normal (to a degree). In a young toddler, so are hand flapping and obliviousness - it is really common for kids that age to be hit or miss as far as responding goes. He is figuring out how his actions and reactions affect his body and the world around him, what his limitations are, and he is getting a rise out of you in the meantime... double bonus.

Is it possible to have to children with similar challenges? Uhhh... yes. Is it possible that he might be learning some of these behaviours from his big brother and once he has experienced them himself, he'll move beyond them? Uhhh... yes. Is it possible that you have been shaken by your experiences and struggles with DS1 and this is spilling over? Yes.. very much so.

Now... this is not to dismiss what you are seeing - you also could be right on target, too. If you are - you are seeing it early and can start to respond and intervene early.

I wish it were simpler.

cjn27b Mon 05-Nov-12 16:33:40

I have two boys. DS1 is 4.1 diagnosed with ASD in July. DS2 is 2.7 and so far NT. However, it is very hard not to worry about DS2. We have a choromosome mutation and we don't know if DS2 has it or not. My partner says 'don't worry, he's fine' and yet I find myself analysing his behaviour way more than you normally would (I think, but I don't actually know what's normal anymore!). So, the plan is to get him referred for assessment. We have nothing to loose, better safe than sorry, and so on.

It is really hard to know. All kids on the spectrum are so very very different. Just because DS1 has xx manifestations of autism, it doesn't mean because DS2 has none of those he isn't. He would just be on a very different part of the spectrum.

I know this mayn't be super reassuring, but my advice is go and ask for a referral if you are worried. Your DS2 is very young still, and I don't think I've heard of a diagnosis under the age of 18 months. Maybe try looking at the MCHAT criteria that list red flags?

There is a very good chance there's nothing going on. Yet someone telling you this is unlikely to make you stop worrying.

Meanwhile, are you eating well, getting enough sleep and generally looking after yourself? Hard with two small children at the best of times. However, I think we all spend so much time worrying about our kids we often let ourselves get run-down and exhausted. When in this state, it can get cyclical, the more you worry, the greater the stress, the less you sleep and so on.

SilkStalkings Mon 05-Nov-12 21:55:15

I watched my DS2 like a hawk as ds1 has Aspergers. We thought we had gotten away with it, albeit he was a little too placid, til he was about 2 when we asked for a referral to paed. His behaviour was getting worse and worse and to me, awful thing to say about a child, there was something sort of lacking about his personality. A year later the paed suggested Pathological Demand Avoidance and a far as we are concerned it is him in a nutshell. This has led to a whole different parenting style to get more compliance from him, allow him to stay calm and therefore learn better and keep his self esteem up. Would never regret being eagle-eyed and pushing for acknowledgement of my concerns. Don't be afraid, time could be more valuable than you know.

DrWhoNeverTires Tue 06-Nov-12 10:20:01

thank you all, it helps a little to know that its normal to look and that im not a total hypocondriac. Had a little look at MCHAT but seems ds2 is too young just yet he would fail but he is definatly a VERY different toddler to ds1 who reading that would certainly have failed that test at 18 months. I only wish id seeked help with ds1 then when his behaviours were obvious as now hes grown out of a lot of things or certainly hides things most people dont notice any issues other than he hyperactive and a bit rude.

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