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Need to Vent....Long Sorry :(

(7 Posts)
JayMoo Fri 26-Oct-12 23:01:24

My poor little boy...He is having such a hard time of it at the mo(as am I)...
He is ASD and has recently started Junior School. He has a 1-1 20hrs per week and has done for 2 years now! He is 7

Ok so here goes! I had a baby girl in October last year, so she has just turned 1... Ds coped well to begin with, being very loving and gentle and she actually had very little effect on him which shocked us actually! January came around and very slowly things started to change, at that time he was doing pretty good in school, incidents were rarely happening and actually he was he popular kid. But as the year went on, ds began to go downhill, incidents were happening again in school, his 1-1 was struggling to get him to do anything other than small group work, he was starting to hit and push the baby and also his rage and anger had gotten much worse(he has always had a very bad short temper)...By June this year things were possibly as bad as I thought they had ever Been, his 1-1 felt helpless as did I....I was hopeful that as summer holidays were approaching things would improve with a well deserved break and lots of fun.....Boy was I wrong, summer was an utter nightmare, we took him on various trips, camping, dinosaur park etc, he either had constant meltdowns, was hurting/fighting with other kids, or cried and sulked....
September was here before I knew it and the daunting time of sending him to a whole new school, new 1-1, new routine etc!! As expected he struggled from day one, incidents happening all day long, hiding under tables, freaking out, feeling scared, unable to do more than 5 minutes or work unsupported etc....By the first week of October I felt a meeting with SENCO and head was needed to express my concerns. SENCO was a shock to the system to say the least, very matter of fact and basically said my son had nothing going for him sad
It was agreed that small group work would be done more as this had worked in the past, teddies and finger puppets to be used to help aid work, social stories, and a home diary purely for positive behaviour, also a re referral to Paed and local Autism groups to be contacted for support...
So here we are, one term in and honestly I am at a loss, when I thought back in June things were as bad as they had ever been, I was wrong......Currently, things are as bad as they have ever been sad I honestly don't know which way to turn or what to do for the best....School are 80% sure ds will not last in mainstream, and we have a meeting planned for next month to see what's what!

Ds also lost his nanny to cancer of the summer, we are not sure how this has affected him as he doesn't talk about it......

To give you an idea of how bad things are, he has a meltdown over the smallest thing, I only have to say no and that sets him off, hitting, kicking and screaming, all mainly aimed at me....He constantly pokes, pushes and annoys his baby sister, I do not trust him to be alone with her for a second, he can sit on her or cover her mouth, it's really scary! He resents me and dd so much, he feels by her coming along we have ruined his life....
He won't do anything that he is told, taking his things away, or using any kind of rewards charts does not work.
At school he is refusing to do work or listen to staff, this week he ran away from 1-1 and locked himself in the toilet, when he does do work it's for 5 mins max! Incidents are happening daily, though afternoons are unsupported so he is being made to sit by teacher all afternoon. They finally have got someone in to watch him at lunch time!

Today possibly pushed me over the edge though, Last night was the school disco, I've never allowed or felt confident in ds going to them, the sensory overload, lack of 1-1 etc has always worried me! Anyway he begged me to let him go so I agreed, this was a HUGE step for us and I felt so proud last night that we had achieved such a milestone.....Our moment was ruined though by a rather snotty phone call from his teacher to say she didn't think he deserved to have gone because of a difficult week. Personally I was fuming that she said that, I'm constantly getting phone calls just nit picking and it's really not needed, we have a diary now use it!!! I just feel like they don't want him in class and certainly can't cope with him.... I was so upset that I emailed the head about it, which it turns out he agrees with the teacher, they say if a child has been naughty they shouldn't go.....end of! This just added to my anger and I just burst in to tears and came home! I agreed to meet with teacher and head after half term as I fear I've probably pushed the teachers nose out of joint by saying what I said....

And to add to my proper rubbish day head informs me that the 1-1 has handed her notice in today, so now yet more change and upheaval for ds....

Will it ever end? Will things get better? Ahhhhhhhh sad

C x

mariammma Fri 26-Oct-12 23:09:58

Yes, it will be much better, he will flourish, achieve and thrive at a specialist school. And your HT is willing to help you get one... now you just need a good school with experience and aptitude in teaching dc like your lad.

Small classes, language pitched at his level, proper supervision in the playground, enough help for him all 32h/week, not 22h and "just sit down for goodness sake" the rest of the time, routine avoidance of annoying things like mega-buzzy, super-blinky lighting.

And he's not naughty, he's just an autistic child in the wrong surroundings. And that's spilling over into home, which is sad.

mariammma Fri 26-Oct-12 23:12:56

It's dreadful for now but possibly ultimately helpful that 1-1 is on notice, get her number, she'll probably be a tribunal witness for you if the school he needs isn't one the LEA usually fund. HT might well be leaned on later to say actually they're coping fine and your ds's progress is great.

coff33pot Sat 27-Oct-12 00:37:21

Ring the LEA and tell them his statement is insufficient. Ask the HT to write a letter confirming this and explaining in detail, copying you into it.

Keep everything in email or letter form now as you are going to need a nice paper trail of evidence to support you and your DS in whatever you decide to do.

And no he is not naughty. Anger is one of the first emotions to learn, Babies cry and yell for food, when they are dirty and when they are tired. It is also one of the easiest expressive emotions. He is merely showing how he is not coping and its all too much for him.

Dont be disheartend he will get there with correct support in place. A better school.

zzzzz Sat 27-Oct-12 00:49:31

What does he like doing?

What makes him happy?

Focus on building a happy child first, behaviour and all else will follow.

On the disco thing, that sort of punishment is unhelpful with most children and totally daft with an ASD child.

Punishment needs to be as a result of a particular incedent, not a general feeling of "he's a pain in the butt".

Children with ASD need very clear expectations and clear consequences when not meeting those expectations.

The issue should be dealt with in a final way not hang over him for an undisclosed period.

Ridiculous people, they know all this. angry

KimberlyMicado Sat 27-Oct-12 09:33:26

I really really feel for you we were in a similar position to you with the first school we chose to put our DD in. She had a statement and 1:1 TA but they treated her like a naughty child punishing her all the time putting her in the naughty place etc it was the worst time of our lives she was so angry and distressed she started having night terrors and we felt physically suck leaving her at school and picking her up. I had to give up work as I was constantly being called into school and DD spent most of her time sitting in the HT's office as she was attacking the teachers and the children. Fast forward a year and I cannot believe the difference. We got DD out of that school after 4 months there she is in P2 now in a smaller school with staff who got to know her and try techniques that actually work they don't punish her willy nilly or segregate her from the class. She is no longer angry, doesn't hit out etc and has had no incidents in over a year. Your school sounds awful do everything you can to get your son out of there. Go and look around all the schools you can and chose a small one with understanding tell them everything do not gloss over the issues you will find one willing to help. Good luck.

JayMoo Sat 27-Oct-12 09:55:15

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post(long I know)...

The teacher is very strange to say the least, seems very strict, shouts lots and its her way or nothing basically. In an afternoon because ds has no 1-1 he is made to sit by her the entire afternoon and go on his laptop....Fair??? Of course not!!!!!

Ds is great at reading, this is his real strong point, everything else is a huge struggle for him, so all the focus is on his reading, also he is progressing really well at swimming and has even been allowed to join the next group to go seeing as he is doing so well.

He is obsessed with Wrestling at the mo, which worries me as obviously this is fighting and he doesn't realise they are just acting! But he can be so OCD that once he gets into something he obsesses about it, talks about it 24/7 and its all he can think about!

We are having my parents have dd for a few days over half term so I can spend some quality 1 on 1 time with ds, do things he wants to do, have fun etc! Hopefully he will enjoy that and we can try and gain some strength ready to start the new term but honestly I think I need to get him into another school! X

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