My ds is being a bully...

[crazygal]

Hi all
Ds is 8,ADHD and asperger a traits.
He has just started middle school.
So far we have had a few complaints for other parents about ds bullying there children. These parents have said nothing to me,it's All been done threw the school,(thank goodness)
Teacher has reassured me that these complaints are tell tales and nothing to really worry about,
She said ds Is hitting alittle and has anger issues.

This week she tells me there is more complaints,and there abit more serious,ds is striking others over the face,because they are staring at him mainly, or not playing to his rules!
Teacher told me these parents were quite upset,understandably!

She has also asked for us ideas to help ds. And she was also "very sorry" to be telling us this as she can see we have alot on with him.

This eve at the dinner table ds told me about the boy he sits with at class.
Ds said he scribbled over his work because his elbow touched him.
Ds then said the boy went to the loo,ds said he followed him....ds said I heard him in the loo telling himself that he was going to tell on me...
So I told him when he came out,that if he told on me he would get "this" ( ds pretends to punch my face!) I asked ds,did you punch him? Ds said yes,really hard. I told him I'd kill him if he told on me and I told him to stay with me at lunch. And he did.
I can't begin to tell you how horrified I am that ds came out with this.
Should I speak to the teacher and ask her to separate the boys ( the other boy had speech and Lang)
I had a chat with ds after and spoke about bullying and gave examples of bullying
Although he understood our chat and the examples/scenarios we gave him ..he didn't understand his own actions. I'm lost on what to do with him.
Any advice is welcome.

[crazygal]

Plus ds told me no one see him do any of this.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Does it happen with any other boys, or just this particular boy?

I think they both need some support tbh. What did the teacher hope to achieve by telling you what she did (obviously it is good that she did, but what were her expectations)?

Perhaps your ds has struck out due to sensory needs or frustrations he can't control in the past and been rewarded for it having the desired effect and so is now using his new skill to negotiate his world!?

[crazygal]

Yes I think alot is frustration.
He has struck out at this boy before (his best friend) he calls him.
Ds was even at an obsessive stage with this boy at one point.
Ds has hit lots of other children.
What sort of sensory needs would they be though? And would that make him hit out?
The teacher said she wanted to keep me informed.
She also said she has charts up for him and they have got a one -one in the class to help him throughout the day.
She also said,because hes new to the school she wanted to wait two months before doing his iep to see exactly what his needs are.
She said his last report from the old school was pretty bad and she wanted to decide for herself on ds.
Which I thought was all fairly positive.

[crazygal]

Thank you polter!!!
Yes ds does react. And it's normally extreme.
As much as I wanted to put in a consequence for his actions over the last week,I didn't. We just spoke about the problems and asked how he could've dealt with things on a different way.
But the thing is,he always gives the right answer but in the mist of it all he forgets everything!!!

I'm so worried about parents coming up to me at the school grounds. What on earth do I say??

As for ds,what should I do??
I always get the full story off him. And he tells me everything. He Never lies. There's always a reason for him lashing out. It's often the wrong reason,but there's a reason!
How do I get him to see the way?
What does he need? What sort of help should I be asking for?

[crazygal]

I can't stand that he's hurting others.
I really don't think the school will let me go for a statement. As one minuet she says,he's fine,very endearing,had a good day etc. but 8 complaints since sept??!!!
What sort of sensory issues would he have. I don't understand that bit...
His pead gas said he's got high anxiety.
And only two weeks ago he wrote us a suicide note.

[mariammma]

"Thank you so much for telling me. What a dreadful injury, your poor child. My ds has a neurological disability. He needs close supervision. At home, we make sure an adult watches over him, and never see this sort of violence. I think the school has let both our children down by leaving them unattended. How should we raise it with the head?"

[mariammma]

The school aren't "allowed" to support you in wanting a statement. If they do, £8000 (£4-£15k, depending on area) of their budget is instantly diverted into your son alone. And if the LEA has to top that sum up, the SENCO and deputy head will be worried about their chances of career progression. The head will just want your ds to leave ASAP, as they're already under way to much pressure with ofsted, league tables and HR issues to be able to care very much about a newbie SEN child.

[mariammma]

Take the suicide note to the GP, by the way. Get it in file, at least.

[crazygal]

Maria..I take it you have had a similar problem?

[mariammma]

Yep... and ended up with nearly all the playground parents taking our side. I found that even the most precious of helicopter moms realised that my opportunity to intervene was limited by not actually being there. For the slightly dimmer ones, I did specify that his social-communication skills were pretty much at the 2-3 years old stage. And then asked them to imagine the behaviour of a toddler unsupported all day in a primary school.

[crazygal]

Oh dear. He wasn't watched then??
And what I good way to put it! I've been worried incase someone comes to me to complain in the school grounds and what on earth to say?!
You have put it quite perfectly. Cause that's what it is like,abit like a toddler.
Thank you.

[mrslaughan]

In terms of sensory - punching gives intense proprioceptive feedback

[crazygal]

Thank you polter. Very interesting indeed!!
And mrslaughan. I did have to look up that word :)

Ds dr rang me today. She said everything we have been saying over the last 2/3 visits has niggled her,
She thinks ds may be more aspergers then ADHD. So she is sending out new firms for us to fill in...questioners.

I'm am abit angry this evening though.
I got in from work and ds seems lovely and calm,I asked how his day went?..
He said good,actually mam,not good...
I hit (that boy)
I punched his face and kneed him in the balls. And told him to do everything I ask him to do today.
Tbh,I got up and walked away,I couldn't hear any more. This is the same boy as I mentioned earlier posts.
I asked ds 5 mins later what happened for you to do this to the other boy? Ds clamed up then and refused to speak.

This morn the teacher told me he hurt two other boys yesterday. Because one stood to close to him in line up,and the other because he stared at him!
I then to the teacher about the other boy he punched in the loos...she knew nothing of it...I asked if ds is not left unsupervised. And she said of course,no problem.
And then ds goes and tells me that this eve. He said no One seen him do it.
I'm fumming!!

[crazygal]

Yes I'm feeling very frustrated. But maybe I can ask the teacher about standing in line first and doing that with his seat.
I think those things alone will help. Plus not leaving him unsupervised!

[shoppingbagsundereyes]

We have had similar with ds. It really makes a massive difference for him to have more personal space than other children may need. Ds' peg is on the end of the row, he is always placed at the front or end of a line, he sits near the teacher where possible. When other children get too close to him he lashes out - it's easily helped by giving more space. I would ask for a meeting to go through the IEP as a matter of urgency now and make sure the teacher has properly addressed these issues.

[crazygal]

Thank you all. This will all help with my meeting with them when I see them after the half term break. Any ideas fir ds I can throw at them that might work is very much welcome.
X

[shoppingbagsundereyes]

It is so unfair btw that you are racking your brains for 'ideas about ds to throw at them'. I found this really depressing at ds' old school. I know about my one child who has AS. The SENCO should have experience of a number of children and should be able to offer suggestions to you. Ds' new teacher is amazing. She is experienced and clearly in charge. We discussed ds at length before he started at the new school but now she uses her experience and knowledge of him as an individual to get on and do her job properly. We should not have to spend the time our children are at school worrying about whether or not teachers are coping with them. Makes me so cross. And they should desist immediately from approaching you in the playground to discuss your child. So unprofessional.

[mariammma]

Ask for just one week's discreet, close lunchtime observation of your ds and the other dc. Cheap, time limited, not committing themselves. Not for intervention (unless major emergency) just info gathering.

And then ask the school to make an action plan.