DD (NT) has been placed next to the child with social communication problems at school

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[SallyBear]

Maybe they felt that she could empathise with the dc as she has a brother at home with SN, and that she would be more accepting of this child's differences and a good example to follow.

[DameMargotFountain]

come on Star, they aren't welded together, are they?

and 'the' child? 'a' child, surely?

[StillIRise]

Maybe because your DD is a nice, accepting, patient child who works well with the other child?

[bochead]

In your shoes I'd actually complain. I understand what the benefits are for the SCD child, but that child is not your concern.

My reasoning being that she needs MAXIMUM exposure to NT peer group, outside the home, as a direct result of being the younger sibling of a child on the spectrum in order to best facillitate her own social development.

She's only 4 and that's a critical age for NT social communication development, and your family life has experienced significant disruptions what with the fight for your DS, the move, a new baby and all. I just think you have to prioritise her welfare over other people's children at this delicate stage.

I'd feel very differently if Star's family had a different history. There are 28 other NT children in the class that can help the child with SCD, most of whom would gain a lot of long term benefit from learning about difference at this age, having had no prior exposure iyswim.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, and I really don't want to offend anyone on this forum.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Thanks all.

I'm not really sure how I feel so that's why I put it on here. (point taken about 'the' and 'a' Margot. And you're right, she is young enough that the actual 'sit down' time is very small.

[DameMargotFountain]

perhaps it's stirred up the feeling of acceptance for you?

that you have stumbled across another family who may/may not have encountered the same sort of issues as you have - when your own experience has been rather isolating?

[StarlightMcKenzie]

I only found out because she has come home a few times with scratches on her face and told me that she always has to sit next to this boy, and that she can't tell the teacher because at those times, the teacher has said 'no talking'.

If I'm honest, she appears quite indifferent to having had her face scratched though, although I'm not so much.

[Pagwatch]

DD was always matched with any child with SN at nursery.

It did create some concerns for me because it struck me as lazy and obvious. And there was a sense that she was being so strongly associated with her brother than it was dominating her own experience outside the home.

It actually quickly became a non issue as the nursery environment was very fluid. And DD was incredibly comfortable with all the children she was paired with.

Could you ask the school about why to see what their thinking is?

[DameMargotFountain]

Star, if your own DD is not talking to the teacher when she clearly needs help, this is another issue.

Don't be afraid of speaking about DDs needs, NT DCs need support in school too.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Okay, - well I suppose I know some of my concerns.

One is that dd adores her brother and if you didn't take into account the SN, it has the appearance of an abusive relationship. i.e. she works very hard for acceptance by him, compromises to an enourmous extent, for very little reward and often abuse in return, even when she has carefully planned things, treading on eggshells to get the attention from him. She's very accomplished at getting ds to interact at great cost to her emotional well-being imo.

I agree with Boch, that school should be her break from this.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

I'm also concerned if dd is being used as a substitute for TA intervention (I don't think this has happened tbh, but it certainly 'could' do).

[Handywoman]

Are we are in danger of over thinking this? If Star's dd is 4 then the amount of time they are actually sitting together is minimal, surely? If Star's dd is NT then by definition Star's dd's social ability is robust, and able to develop without any actual 'intervention'.

My dd had SLT at nursery aged 4. She needed to work on focussing attention and social communication. For this she was paired up at nursery with another child (NT) for exercises. This child was selected on the basis of being sociable, cooperative and able to take turns in conversation.

I would be more concerned if school were placing two impaired children together, tbh. I don't think this means Star's dd is being singled out.

Star if you complain then I feel for your the teacher, sometimes they can't do right for doing wrong!

Handy x

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Perhaps it is a non-issue really and will sort itself out. It really is only the first half term.

If I can, I'll make an effort to get to know the parents. That will probably benefit both our families if they're up for it.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Handy, - I'm not planning on complaining for the moment. I don't have enough information and god knows I don't need another school to fall out with.

I suppose I was just exploring my feelings about this where it is relatively safe to do so.

I'm proud if she has been selected, but I also have immense guilt over her disadvantages in life due to her db's disability.

[SallyBear]

Are you worrying that just maybe your DD just accepts the abuse as normal....

Just ask for her to be sat with another kid at circle time, because of the scratches.

A bit surprised that she has to sit with this child as in my experience of four primary schools, they sat with whomever they liked.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

They have groups and places in those groups.

[chocjunkie]

agree with bochead; I would want DD to have a break.

DD2 (so far NT) is not even 2 yet but I can already see how having an older sister (DD1, 4) with autism affects her - I wouldn't want her to be placed at school next to a child with social communication difficulties

[bochead]

I'd ask school to work with your DD on teaching her to speak out when she's hurt by any other child as a priority. Lots of shy children need a little boost in this area at this age, so the teacher will be in her comfort zone helping her with this.

Learning to set boundaries for the behaviors of others (think to yourself - "hey this is NOT OK") and then to ask for help are two very important skills for any child. Helping her to get these two things right now will prevent oodles of potential future issues for her into her teens and beyond imho.

She's only 4 and this is her very first term. My opinion would be so very different if your family hadn't been to hell and back/if she'd been at school just a bit longer. I just feel that at this particular moment in time she herself needs a bit of tlc just while she settles in, and gains confidence in the new environment.

As the adult sibling of someone with SN, can I just say I honestly feel overall my life has been enhanced not diminished by my circumstances growing up? Sometimes my Mum still needs to hear this Guilt is a natural universal function of motherhood.

[saintlyjimjams]

DS3's (NT) best friend at school last year was the boy with moderate ASD (enough to have a full time 1:1). DS3 had absolutely no idea the boy had autism or any sorts of SN. He was friends with him because he thought he was funny. Past tense because the other boy moved countries (ds3 was very sad).

I suspect the groups will change a lot. They always seem to be swapping tables in infants. Unless your child is being excluded from playing with anyone except the child with SN I don't really see what the problem is. This thread is rather sad tbh. NT kids don't need 'maximum exposure' to be NT - they just are.

If she hates sitting next to the boy because he scratches her, that's a different issue - and one that's sensible to bring up with the teacher, but that's not SN that's an issue as such, that's a behavioural issue.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

'Is it that you think they are exploiting her skills with ds?'

I think it is this, combined with her perhaps thinking that relationships with boys are about puting up with abuse. AFAIK this is the only boy she ever spends any time with there.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Actually, I have to clarify I think, that this boy appears to have behavioural issues. SC difficulties alone is not so much my issue, although I guess I know that unsupported EYs SC difficulties usually manifest as behavioural difficulties, so I think I've merged the two.

[DameMargotFountain]

Star

i hope you're just musing here, in a relatively safe space, as i think you're in danger of over-thinking.

she may have to sit next to this lad in group sessions (of which i'm sure are limited) but she will be in contact with other boys. she will be observing everyone's behaviour, weighing them all up.

even girls on the autistic spectrum do this, they learn very quickly who/what/why is acceptable in a social setting.

but please see her teacher about her not feeling able to speak up at certain times, this may be something she's misunderstood. 4yr olds (even NT ones) aren't always the best at reading/hearing situations.