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Sometimes don't you just want to scream?

(19 Posts)
insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 17:33:08

and bang your head against a brick wall or pack a bag and walk away?

At this moment in time I could do all three tbh ds is driving me potty and my long fuse is about to blow.

The refusing to speak to me continues, but he answers to keep his laptop. It's not entirely successful because he talks to dh now and he doesn't consider what message he is giving him and I am trying to mop up the mess without being privvy to what has been said.

Ds's reason for refusing to speak to me is that I have written him off and think he has more problems than he has. This isn't true at all and everyone ever involved with him has always said I have a very accurate picture of where his difficulties lie.

Dh sees that he can read and write and compute and doesn't really see that he has many difficulties and I often have to try and stop him looking a fool at meetings reviews etc. Obviously because dh feeds ds's false beliefs I am the villain.

Neither ds nor dh to some extent recognise how much support I give ds to enable him to function at home as well as he does and of course he is brilliantly supported in school.

The latest farce (believe me there have been many since ds decided to speak only to dh) is that ds has decided to attend the local college taster days during half term (the college I fought to keep him out of) Dh will drop him off, not mention the autism and let ds get on with it.

Ds won't function, I'm scared he'll run, get the wrong door and get run over or he will meltdown and hurt himself or someone else or shutdown be ridiculed and not be able to communicate enough to get dh to rescue him.

Of course because I won't agree it's more proof that I am writing him off and so relations between me and ds are rock bottom and I'm furious with dh who thinks I should let him fail instead of protecting him from situations where he can't cope.

Of course dh hasn't considered the implications, I'm sure college will be chuffed to have ds dumped on them with no warning and no knowledge of his needs and if the LA get wind I'm sure they will be chuffed to play on this to end his placement at SH.

I am so sick of it all tbh I have fought for ds, supported ds, and enabled ds for years and because he has always had all that and doesn't really have any comprehension of what it's like to be unsupported he doesn't think he has any needs and I am standing in his way.

Yes he would soon learn if I withdrew my support but traumatising him has never been an option for me.

Sorry for my self pitying post but if I don't moan here there will be ructions chez insanity.

Ineedalife Fri 19-Oct-12 18:23:28

That is the trouble as they get older insanity, they think they know it all and expect you to just let them get on with it.

I dont know what the answer is but there is a poster on the teenage board called Maryz I think who has a teen with AS who might have advoce for you.

I stood aside and let Dd1 take control of her life when she was 18.5 because I had no job. Within 6 months she had dropped out of school, got pregnant and was homelesssad

I am definitely not the right person to advise you but I do know where you are coming fromsad

insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 18:34:36

I think I have just discovered the downside to a child having ft 1 to 1 support from 3 years old tbh. He has no comprehension of what the real world is like. I still put his socks on ffs and prompt him for each item of clothing if we have a hope of getting dressed and out the house in a timely fashion and if they are inside out or have buttons then he can't/won't sort them.
If I stood aside I'd be prosecuted for neglect he's like a pre schooler in lots of ways sad.

colditz Fri 19-Oct-12 18:37:55

Can you make a list if all the things you do for him and then tomorrow, he has to prove he can do them all himself, on time.

Ineedalife Fri 19-Oct-12 18:38:40

I stood aside and let Dd1 take control of her life when she was 18.5 because I had no job.

UUhhh, I dont know where that came from, it was meant to say *because I had no choice*blush

I really feel for you insanity maybe the time has come for you to take a small step beack and let him see how tricky the world can be.

Sadly in my expereince young people with ASD only learn the hard waysad

Ineedalife Fri 19-Oct-12 18:42:38

More typos, sorry. tired fingerssmile

insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 19:07:25

I suppose I should try standing back trouble is the things I nag/support wouldn't bother him if they didn't get done. So he wouldn't mind not bathing or dressing or leaving the house but it would bother me.
He's quite crafty so he doesn't speak to me but answers because I take his laptop for insolence but he asks for food or stuff he wants because I have stopped asking him and he'd starve otherwise. Today though I said no he had to wait (because I was busy and I feel like he's taking me for a fool) and instantly he gets agitated just because that one thing wasn't as routine so even tiny things like that he doesn't manage well.
And still he believes he has no real difficulties sad

Ineedalife Fri 19-Oct-12 19:16:54

He is a lot older than Dd3 but I have recently told her about her Dx as we had reached a point where she needed to know.

I have now started to tell her when she is doing things that a caused by her condition because she has very little idea about her difficulties.

I am sure you have probably been doing this for years but I would be saying something like "Are you angry with me because you find it difficult to wait?"

I must admit Dd3 does get angry with me when I do this but at least I feel like I am helping her to begin to understand herself a little.

insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 19:35:37

No I should do that more often tbh if I'm honest ds hasn't got any problems at home because we have all bent over backwards to accommodate him, so he hasn't had to wait, there hasn't been any disruption to his world, he hasn't had to share, his siblings are too kind to him. I was only saying today he hasn't got any problems because we have all taken them from him and inconvenienced ourselves, restricted our lives and run ourselves ragged in the process.

insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 19:37:51

I've raised a dictator haven't I? Only he rules by making us all feel guilty or sorry for him rather than any real show of anger or frustration blush

colditz Fri 19-Oct-12 19:39:19

Well, then don't. Ds1 has asd and I do accommodate his needs but not to the detriment of the entire household. Sometimes he has to wait because real life is like that. Sometimes he cannot commandeer the pc for the weekend because other people need it, people who are just as special and important as he is. Maybe it's time to introduce some flexibility into his life, and if he kicks off, remind him that life has been easy for him so far because you have MADE it easy.

colditz Fri 19-Oct-12 19:41:02

I really don't mean to be cruel, I don't. I know the temptation to cave immediately rather than deal with a screaming hitting large child.

But you have a choice here, withdraw the support and see if he sinks or swims, and remind him that this is how everyone else his age lives, or continue to give the support without begrudging it.

colditz Fri 19-Oct-12 19:42:24

And do let him go to the college taster days, but do mention the autism. College pupils are kinder than you think.

insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 19:47:55

It is time isn't it to let him find out what real life is like, do it in the safety of the house so that he has a more realistic grasp of where his limitations lie. OMG it's going to be hell I think and I'm going to have to coach the rest of them as they are softer than I am on him.

insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 19:54:27

He won't hit I'm sure of that, he'll sulk,he'll get the others to bail him out or he'll cut off his nose to spite his face and he'll have the big eyes and the sad face that break my heart.

Ineedalife Fri 19-Oct-12 19:59:17

I think it probably is insanity, get your flack jacket and warn the family about what you are planning.

Phone the college and explain the situation. Let them know that it is his wish to go cold turkey without any support but that you dont feel comfortable with it.

Dd2 has just moved to college and so far I have been pleased with the sensible approach they have to the students.

They are very experienced in stroppy teenagers and he wont be the first SN student they have had.

Send him with a fiver for some lunch and a big kiss. Then do something nice for yourself, in the knowledge that you have guided him through his childhood and now he is heading towards being an adult.

Good lucksmile

insanityscratching Fri 19-Oct-12 20:01:01

The college is non negotiable tbh I am not fighting for eighteen months to the cost of £20,000 to keep him out of there for him to screw it all up and get himself in such a state it will take months to recover and will hinder what his specialist school is doing to prepare him for the next step. I might be a bit too soft but I'm not stupid wink.

Ineedalife Fri 19-Oct-12 20:02:46

No, I take your pointgrin

mariammma Fri 19-Oct-12 23:09:00

Court of protection orders are worth putting in place well before they're needed.

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