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TAC meeting tomorrow. Honking needed please.

(22 Posts)
NoHaudinMaWheest Thu 18-Oct-12 09:18:48

We have a TAC meeting tomorrow at which some fairly major decisions about DS's future have to be made. It is pretty complicated so I won't go into all the details.

However after a meeting with his key worker this week and reading various threads on here I have had a bit of a revelation. Most of these people (not all) don't really know or care about DS. The system has failed him even when individual professionals have been good. And despite this being a multi agency meeting the only one looking at the whole child is me.

I have been too polite and too passive in the past. Now that I have the collective strength of MNSN behind me I am planning to be much more assertive this time. I do find this difficult, hence the need for as much honking as possible.

Thanks.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 18-Oct-12 09:28:20

Honk, Honk!!smile

Do not attend such a meeting on your own if at all possible.

bochead Thu 18-Oct-12 09:38:09

don't be scared to do a one pager of bullet points YOU want covered. Photocopy it and hand it out at the beginning of the meeting.

Stops U forgetting what you want to cover when someone goes off at a random tangent. I find that item a/has to be in place before strategy b/ has a hope of success. kinda like building a set of steps to success wink. So this also helps stops cruicial points getting missed, as you are right - you do look at the whole child, unlike the individual specialists.

whatthewhatthebleep Thu 18-Oct-12 09:49:11

mega honking for you...who can you take with you?...just so you're not feeling up against them alone? It really helps if you have someone who knows what you're there for and can encourage, remind and assist you to remember things, help you ask the questions, etc

do that visualisation of them all in their silly pants and silly hats on their heads...that will help you see them as silly and not intimidating hahahahaha!!

Put on your business head and try to leave the emotions at home iykwim...tears later when you breathe again if you can

make a thorough list and bullet points to discuss...who, when, how when it comes to things being delivered, etc

Try not to bring up the negative too much, though it's important to point out where things have not been successful, try not to point any fingers...instead focus on what needs doing and why...and throw it on the table for them to respond to...what, how, when, etc

Be clear about wanting a schedule of what where who and when things will be done, planned, how long will it be for, the minutes of this meeting, everyone involved and their contact details (esp email addys)...you want your clear paper trail on everything. when you email 1 person...email them all so there is no confusion, etc...collectively these people/profs are responsible so keep them all well informed and keep regular contact on progress or where something isn't happening or working, etc

For your DC...get a daily record/diary put in place. This will detail what, who, when things are being done, anything you need to highlight for DC, etc week to week, etc.

You also need to know who the lead Prof/key person coordinating everything is so you know who your 1st point of call is...so you email, phone, whatever, this person as well as keeping the others updated at the same time (CC all involved, everytime you email, need to ask, check, etc....

Hope this is of help to you and I'm sure others will be along with sound advice too smile....good luck

NoHaudinMaWheest Thu 18-Oct-12 10:08:55

Thanks Attila, bochead and What the.

I will have to go alone as I know from experience that DH is more of a liability than a help.

I am planning something written. Bullet points would be better than my usual essay yes.

Keyworker is a moot point. SW was doing this and she was fairly competent. She went off sick and has now resigned. Still waiting for a replacement. Keyworker role is being taken by primary mental health worker who is pretty incompetent, thinks she knows DS because she has been involved for a long time but has never actually had a conversation with him and is irritatingly patronising.

Must try to keep my cool but it will be difficult as I am finally really angry.

whatthewhatthebleep Thu 18-Oct-12 10:40:01

have you thought about advocacy for yourself?...it made a big difference having someone with me and made the profs sit up straight and pay more attention, etc...
Maybe just a friend this time?...and investigate getting someone in particular for the future
It would help for you just having someone beside you....even silent witness iykwim

DameMargotFountain Thu 18-Oct-12 10:43:24

honking for you - stay angry today to fire up your planning today and harness it to positive energy or something like that

i'll just honk for you smile

Dev9aug Thu 18-Oct-12 10:47:01

I am sorry, doesn't matter how much I try, I just can't bring myself to 'honk', so a good luck will have to do instead.grin

moleskin Thu 18-Oct-12 11:05:11

Hi its me who you met in Tesco! I've namechanged!!
Is this meeting to do with future educational placement for your ds? I think you need to stand your ground and be very firm about what he needs and why other settings aren't suitable for him. Good luck and let me know how you get on.

moleskin Thu 18-Oct-12 11:06:25

Also I find taking dh to app occasionally (when I let him out his box!) Comes in handy and they tend to take me a bit more seriously although dh does need a big pep talk beforehand to sit there and keep schtum until he gets the 'look'

NoHaudinMaWheest Thu 18-Oct-12 12:47:37

Dev thanks good luck appreciated too.

Hi moleskin. You've obviously got your DH better trained than I have mine.

Education does come into it but it is mainly about treatment and support options.

NoHaudinMaWheest Thu 18-Oct-12 13:10:29

Whatthe there don't seem to be any suitable advocacy services here. I've left a message with the most likely one but it looks as if we don't fit their criteria.

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 18-Oct-12 15:44:29

You'll be alright you know.

Essential things to know:

1) This doesn't have to be the performance of your lifetime. You can always have another meeting and these people love them anyway.

2)If the meeting doesn't go the way you had hoped or you hadn't felt you were clear enough, you can always follow it up with clarification and a summary. You are even allowed to say you have changed your mind about something on reflection.

3) Have it in your mind that after the meeting you will report back here. It will help you to be focussed on the key points and feel like you have an army of support in the room.

starfishmummy Thu 18-Oct-12 16:02:53

Honking for you!

TheTimeTravellersWife Thu 18-Oct-12 16:24:58

Definitely agree to try to take someone with you, a friend, neighbour, anyone to even up the numbers and to support you.

I'm lucky, as DH normally comes with me, but just keeps quiet and takes copious notes.

I have found one of the most useful tactics, when in a meeting and put under pressure to agree/make a decision on something, when I don't want to/need more time/don't have all the information, is to smile sweetly (usually through gritted teeth!) and say "That's very interesting, but I will need to get back to you on that" then change the subject rapidly!
It gives you a bit of thinking time.

Hope it goes well!

NoHaudinMaWheest Fri 19-Oct-12 20:24:16

Thanks for all the support.
Thread seemed to have disappeared last night but is back so I can report back.

I was a lot more forceful than usual and the fact that I had obviously done the most 'homework' meant that I was able to get my points across.

On the whole the outcome was what I think best for now. It is a situation in which there are no right answers but I hope it is the best that can be done.

Down sides are that there was noone there from SS so the respite question is still up in the air.

Also if DS needs a further hospital admission there is no guarantee that we will get funding for specialist London admission, which is what he needs, without going through the motions of proving there is no suitable local provision even although everyone knows that local provision doesn't exist.

This delayed the whole process so long the last time that basically DS didn't get what he needs and he and I have had to struggle on.

At least the psychologist agreed with me that it is ridiculous and hopefully we can jointly prevent it happening next time.

Anyway I certainly felt the geese were behind me at this meeting.

signandsmile Fri 19-Oct-12 20:32:19

hi nahaudin good to see meeting went well, been thinking of you,

zzzzz Fri 19-Oct-12 23:27:58

Too late to Honk for you, but sounds like you did well.

Well done.

Can you request a meeting with ss to discuss respite? It sounds like you are the only one on the ball so you might as well drive it.

coff33pot Fri 19-Oct-12 23:49:00

I am too late to Honk for you too so I will shake my tail feathers instead grin

well done everything does sound positive. I too would hound the SS while the force is with you! x

whatthewhatthebleep Sat 20-Oct-12 10:44:48

Good for you....sounds like you felt it went well and you had a good feeling from being able to take the lead with your concerns, etc....

Keep pushing......smile

donburi Sat 20-Oct-12 10:57:20

hope it went well - a very late honk

NoHaudinMaWheest Sat 20-Oct-12 15:23:32

Thanks all. I feel quite pleased. Actually thinking about it I could use the fact that we don't have a SW at the moment as a perfect reason for chasing it myself.

Must check that minutes are done. They've been a bit slack in the past and will write my own too.

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