DS is doing really well at his school. He has been there 10 months.
However, his relationship with his TA is poor. He cannot stand her. He had a good relationship to start with but, somewhere down the line, she decided he was naughty and started telling him off for every last little thing, including how he eats, what knife and fork he uses, the tone he asks for things in etc etc
He is 9 and has Asperger's. His problem with school in the past is OVER-compliance - this non-compliance is not good!
I have raised this several times with school, especially last term in the summer when she was clearly losing patience and calling him 'naughty' 'rude' etc all the time. His 6 year old brother witnessed this.
Head decided it was better to concentrate on getting help from the teacher. This promotes independence but it does impede the delivery of provision on his statement if he doesn't want her near him.
All those little things, like checking he has understood are just not being done because of it and I found out this week that he had not recorded any of his house points this term because no one had told him how. He was ok but it makes me really sad that a child with a full-time TA isn't getting this support. 
At the start of the term, the TA then decided to change all his routines without warning, so she was going to make him line up in the playground, sit on the carpet etc. DS again became non-compliant. She agreed to back off but DS says she says things like 'that will change, you won't be able to do that for much longer' 
Things have got so bad that teachers will report he does things for them but not for her - yet that somehow his fault?
Today I was confronted by the teacher (new but with some experience of ASD) telling me he had been 'very rude' to the TA. The children had been lining up in the playground but he doesn't do that, he is allowed to go in a side door. The TA told him to stop but he ignored her and went in.
He was told this was rude and made to apologise.
I explained about the difficult relationship with the TA and was told to discuss with the head which I had done.
When I spoke to DS, it was clear that, given past experiences, he thought the TA was trying to unfairly stop him using his usual way in. He hadn't a clue why people were angry or why this was rude but his teacher has made him apologise by saying 'look at Mrs X when you say sorry'.
After school, I spoke to the SENCO and teacher (I didn't know all the facts at the time) but it was suggested we use a book and this is where DS has written all the above.
I am really upset as this school has really tried but I feel there is an attitude, propagated by his TA (who was a teacher and whose views are given too much weight) that he is just 'rude' or 'naughty' and that no attempt is made to get to the bottom of things despite ample training interventions.
DS is happy there but it is grinding me down so I have just emailed the SENCO with a plea for understanding.
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Am I overreacting? TA problems
inappropriatelyemployed · 17/10/2012 19:18
I expect the TA has a temporary contract that lasts as long as your DS is at the school, but that shouldn't stop the school from swapping her role with another TA in the school if their relationship has broken down. Trouble is, schools never like parents telling them how to run their school. Misplaced pride, I suppose. Even in the very inclusive school I work in there are some difficult relationships with some parents who, IMO, are simply more interested in their DC's education than average. Schools see themselves as the experts, having dealt with many DC, but they truly don't know the best way to deal with DC who don't fit their expected range of behaviours and issues. They may get one DC every couple of years who is somewhere on the spectrum but still not realise how very different they can be to each other, and that what works for one, won't work for all.
The DC I supported did come across to the inexperienced as very rude, sometimes. Indeed, he was rude and needed to have his behaviour dealt with, but in a sensitive and understanding way that appreciated that he usually didn't actually mean to be rude, or that he simply didn't understand the unwritten rules (!) that how you act with an adult in authority is different to how you act towards your peers or your family. My charge would want to engage me in conversation about how unpleasant the HT had been in assembly, shouting like that, when she had been cracking down on some unruly playground behaviour. He took it very personally, felt the HT was being horrible to him and wanted me to agree with him, using very uncomplimentary language. Different to your example, but I did understand that while he needed to be taught these boundaries, it could be done sensitively. You need to explain, again (sigh) that your DS doesn't mean to be rude, doesn't understand social conventions, can't transfer knowledge from one situation to another so finds it hard to pick these unwritten rules up, finds it actually painful to look someone in the eye etc etc.
He is unhappy and he has lost trust in this TA and I am not surprised if she is going to goad him by commenting "you wont be able to do that for much longer" All that is doing is excalating an uneccessary panic and bad feeling that some time in the future he is going to have to sit on the carpet or line up. WHY worry the boy that wont work and he will never "comply" with that wish and spend every day waiting for the request to happen. Stupid TA.
I dont see him being rude as in making for the side door. If that is his normal instruction then that is all he is doing.
I dont see it as being rude in ignoring the TA either if she has forced him to do things by changing his routine he is going to avoid her expecting the worst.
Tell them trust is gone need a new TA. Because if he is like my DS he will never forget bless him.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
The other boy was a 'reliable source' was he...is he implying that your ds isn't?
In what context was the word used anyway? How ridiculous.
surely the fact that your ds has AS and will struggle to tell convincing lies makes him an extremely reliable source.
We've found the 5P approach very effective in school - it's ABAlite for dummies 
Anyone with 1/2 an ounce of common sense and a bit of compassion can use it effectively.
Having slept on things it seems that the school have the same concerns you do & you are all on the same page. Hopefully this will mean life will get easier from here on in. I have tremendous respect for professionals that can hold up their hands and say sorry, as noone is perfect all the time.
A 1:1 relationship is a bit like a marriage, very very idiosyncratic & personal - your TA will probably be the best thing that ever happened to another child. I always think it's a bit wierd that parents aren't involved at some stage of the recruitment process as I can tell at a 100 paces those individuals that will instantly click with DS and get on with him like a house on fire. (Schools should obviously retain screening rights over skills/experience/fit with school staff team etc)
In my case school keep trying to find DS fastidious sporty metrosexual male role models & he's a dyspraxic farmers boy at heart lol! Thank goodness his main TA this year is a fellow animal lover, as it makes such a difference that she understands some of his interests.
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