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one of those things we just have to suck up - self-pity alert

(32 Posts)
UnChartered Wed 17-Oct-12 17:06:23

just had a flying visit from my Dsis and her DCs (pre-schoolers)

they are gorgeous - i love them all but Dsis has just broken my heart

feel free to tell me to grow the fuck up but i'm hurting and i hope you'll have a semblance of sympathy for me....

was telling Dsis how we were actually planning a whole weeks holiday next year - something we'd never contemplated before as it's been too 'big' for us to plan with DD (ASD and huge sensory issues) and was expecting her to be reasonably happy for us.

what i didn't expect was to be told that our parents had asked her (Dsis and her family) if they'd like to all go on holiday together next year, as they miss seeing the youngsters play and laugh together.

that cuts me to the fucking bone - ok, i know DD finds social situations difficult but we live in the same fucking town. a few months ago DM made some pathetic show of trying to get to know DD by spending a half an hour a week with us, but that's fallen by the wayside, DM is too busy.

our DCs are all under 6yrs old

they've never as much as suggested we go on a fucking picnic together never mind a whole holiday.

you don't have to answer this, i'm fully aware it reads quite pathetic, but i had to get it out somewhere.

Ineedalife Wed 17-Oct-12 17:10:24

Doesnt sound pathetic at all, I think I would be upset too, except that you dont know my mother and for me it would be a luck escape as she totally doesnt get Dd3 and regularly tells me that I will just have to "Tell her"hmm

Families are a pain in the butt sometimessad

UnChartered Wed 17-Oct-12 17:11:27

i really don't like my mother either, so i suppose that's a consulation

still hurts like hell though, i feel sick i'm so upset

Ineedalife Wed 17-Oct-12 17:11:37

Oh, meant to say, good luck with your holiday which is more likely to work for you when you can judge what your Dd can cope with and what she cant.

UnChartered Wed 17-Oct-12 17:17:33

thanks Ineed

zzzzz Wed 17-Oct-12 17:17:51

Unchartered I have a very similar set up. sad

I'm sorry they are all being so horrid.

bialystockandbloom Wed 17-Oct-12 17:26:08

You're not being pathetic, I would be really upset too. I think most people would be. It's also not unusual not to get the support really needed from your family in general ((hugs))

UnChartered Wed 17-Oct-12 17:38:14

thank you all thanks

it was the reference to children playing that hurt most.

DD can play, she laughs, she spent the whole half hour hmm her cousins were here running round and round the house playing chase with them.

i know it's them missing out blah blah blah but it's shit, it really is

i've just registered with the local childminding network for a special childminder to sit so DH and i can go to freaking support meetings once a month sad

chocjunkie Wed 17-Oct-12 17:41:37

How awful - i would be hurt as well.

my mum loves and adores Dd1 (asd) just as much Dd2.

However, since Dd1 got her dx a year ago, MIL has not visited once (she does not live near us but used to visit 2-3 times a year). I looked through photos with Dd1 the other day and she did not even recognise her gran anymore...

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Oct-12 17:57:37


Very sorry to read of that emotional bombshell your sister dropped on you. Did she know that your own family had not been asked?. Did she detect that you were upset or did you remain stoic?.

Re this part of your comment:-
"a few months ago DM made some pathetic show of trying to get to know DD by spending a half an hour a week with us, but that's fallen by the wayside, DM is too busy".

Too busy my bum!. Some people just cannot or will not deal with the fact that their grandchild has a disability. Denial is a powerful force. Where is her own DH in all this, is he still around?.

I honestly do not think my son now gives a fig about his grandad aka my (dysfunctional) FIL. He did not turn up here again on my son's birthday (MIL came over on her own, DS did not take much notice of her either). They are testament to the fact that you get out of a relationship what you put into it; no effort on their part means that the children do not take any interest in their grandparents later on. This is certainly the case with regards to both ILs. Infact none of my family can cover themselves in glory; I would hold them all up as examples of how not to be a grandparent.

neverputasockinatoaster Wed 17-Oct-12 18:05:22

Unchartered - sending un MN hugs your way - tis shit and you are completely justified feeling angry and upset.

Come and play with my lot...... We can drink wine together!

troutpout Wed 17-Oct-12 18:15:57

[Sad] Oh that's horrible unChartered

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Wed 17-Oct-12 18:27:51

DH's parents have not been involved with DS1 or DS2. We live in different parts of the country but they will book visits with distant relatives in the area and then drop in for a coffee (with no warning) on their way home. MIL will refer to her grandchildren meaning SIL's DC but not even seeming to recognise that my DS's are also her grandchildren. Then again DH and I have been together for 22 years but the official family album contains pictures of him with an ex and of the ex alone. I don't even make it onto the wedding photos! If we did have contact, how the fuck would I explain this to DS1 and DS2?

I feel sad that they are not involved but then I remind myself that there is a reason they are not involved iykwim.

UnChartered Wed 17-Oct-12 18:30:37

She knew we hadn't been asked, and my face fell as she told me how the invitation came about, how DF asked her when DM was out of the room, she said it was so sweet.


my eyes welled up and Dsis added a hurried, 'why don't you come with us too, i'm sure DM won't mind'.


yes, mind.

they can all fuck off

UnChartered Wed 17-Oct-12 18:32:39

<packs bags to go and holiday at sockintoaster's house>

thanks, have had a big cry and gone in search of wine

i have none - i'll blame them for that too somehow

sweetteamum Wed 17-Oct-12 18:34:24

I'm not thinking your self-pitying either. I think its your family who are missing out on special time with you and your dc's.

One of my parents is just the same. However there's no other grandchildren and its always about 'them' 'them' 'them'

You getting on with things and being so loving to your Dear neice/nephews says a lot more about you and they will realise this as they get older.

Strongecoffeeismydrug Wed 17-Oct-12 18:39:43

Families are crap or at least mine are!
My niece had a naming day and party last week and everyone but myself partner and my kids were invited.with the excuse that they didn't want me to feel left out that I wouldn't have been able to go as DS wouldn't cope!
Ffs I'm not surgically attached to DS and it would have been nice to have been asked.
They just don't realise how much it hurts sad

neverputasockinatoaster Wed 17-Oct-12 18:45:11

< frantically hurtles into spare room to remove laundry mountain >

insanityscratching Wed 17-Oct-12 19:06:07

My family is crap too, I have nothing to do with the lot of them. No parents but db has tried to grab ds to "toughen him up" ds has huge sensory issues, I nearly decked him (even if he is 15 inches taller than I am) he was told in no uncertain terms never to set foot on my path again..
dsis 1 tried to do round the garden on ds's hand last time I saw her, ds was 13 or 14. Explained quite politely through gritted teeth that she was being insensitive and inappropriate and if she didn't understand how she should speak to ds she'd better not speak to him or me at all.
dsis 2 grabbed a cloth and wiped my door frame (my house isn't a shit tip btw) and asked what I did all day as I didn't work.She works part time and has every weekend free as her NT kids go to their dads'. Didn't catch me on a good day as ds had been up for three days so lost my rag haven't seen her since.
If you aren't living it you don't have any comprehension of what life is like I don't think. I don't miss any of them tbh.

UnChartered Wed 17-Oct-12 19:10:05

i don't know whether to laugh or cry at all the stories of shit families here

how insensitive they all are.

autism might be genetic, bloody glad being a twat isn't.


SallyBear Wed 17-Oct-12 19:29:50

My lovely Dsis nearly didn't survive the last time she rather thoughtlessly tried to arrange things to suit herself. DD in hospital after nasty palate surgery. DH is with her at GOSH. DD very ill, DH exhausted and needs me to take over. My DM is looking after the other dc while I travel back and forth. (DS4 has non verbal ASD and is happier in his own home.) DM comes down with the flu, I'm supposed to be going back to GOSH. Ask Dsis to take over from sick DM, she says that she's got to go oven shopping and she will takeover at lunchtime and take them back to her soulless immaculate toy free house. She wouldn't entertain doing anything earlier to help out. I was demented. I got my own way, but we didn't speak properly for about a month.

So unchartered wine and [flowers]. You have my sympathies, and your DSis sounds like she wishes she'd kept her trap shut.

Badvoc Wed 17-Oct-12 19:53:41

It's not pathetic at all!
How awful for you and how thoughtless of them sad

ouryve Wed 17-Oct-12 20:03:50

I'd feel hurt and snubbed, too, Unchartered.

NoHaudinMaWheest Wed 17-Oct-12 20:15:58

No not pathetic. Just really sad for you.

achillea Wed 17-Oct-12 20:32:10

It might be an innocent holiday plan and you could follow it up by suggesting that they go away with you next year (or you with your sister).

Mine keeps asking me why I don't go abroad for Christmas, what are you doing for Christmas she says. I am pretty darned sure she's going to my brother's and is hoping she doesn't have to tell me.

The feeling of rejection and exclusion is bloody awful and I completely and utterly empathise with that. For some reason our family seems to have disappeared off the family visits map.

She also said to me today about other grandchild 'it's a good thing he's so intelligent and mature'. I said he's no more intelligent than anyone else and his parents have made him cope with a lot more than he needs to, just because he doesn't have tantrums doesn't mean he's mature. She said - 'so you think all children are born the same' and I say, 'well, yes'. I don't believe in all that 'he's so bright' bullshit. So what is everyone else then? God I'm really ranting now.

What she's really saying is that my family is too much hard work and my kids are thick. It does indeed hurt.

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