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So what to do when DC2 has (possibly) ADHD but DC3 decides to copy their behaviours?

(9 Posts)
GhostofMammaTJ Sat 13-Oct-12 22:07:04

DD2 is in the process of diagnosis. I understand why she behaves the way she does, but do still discipline her. However DS has started to play up and behave in the same ways, even though I am sure he is fine!! Just pushing his luck. How do you deal with this?

myBOYSareBONKERS Sun 14-Oct-12 10:06:46

I have exactly the same issues. DS1 is 9 years and ASD and DS2 is 5 years and ADORES his older brother, so wants to be just like him!

I have no answers so will be following this thread closely. We have tried to explain to DS2 that he doesn't have autism but it hasn't helped.

I feel I have two SN children alot of the time

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 14-Oct-12 11:13:59

I have two boys 11 and 6. DS2 does not have a diagnosis yet but is on his way. From a parenting point of view he is a piece of piss much easier to deal with than DS1 (complex neurological disorder including ASD) but went through a stage of copying DS1's behaviour which quite frankly I found funny as his heart wasn't in it iykwim and he could not copy everything - especially the meltdowns over little things. There were things that persisted however and it just so happens that these are the things that are a problem to class teachers - hence referral to OT, EP, community peaediatrics etc.

In addition to the copying, are there also occasions where DS is unhappy as a consequence of DD2's behaviour - where he is on the receiving end? If so, it might be possible to point out your similarities - that you both have to cope, that you have similar feelings when DD2 does X and how he can help. What sort of behaviours is he copying?

colditz Sun 14-Oct-12 11:20:26

He's not pushing his luck, although I agree it definitely looks like this.

He's noticed that when your ADHD child acts in a certain way, the spotlights are on her. All your attention has to go to her to stop her hurting someone, including herself, or damaging something.

He wants those spotlights on HIM. This is natural for siblings, all children want the sole attention of their parents.... And now, from observation, he knows how to get it.

You have to be very very tricksy to get round this. Grab him for love and cuddles when he isn't doing anything at all, because if he isn't doing anything he isn't being disruptive and unpleasant. Ignore tantrums completely, and afterwards, once he is calm, reassure him that our love him. Make sure he is TOLD he is loved as much as his sister, because children who have siblings with sn or behavioural problems frequently come to the conclusion that the reason they get less attention is simply because they are loved less sad

colditz Sun 14-Oct-12 11:24:13

Ps I spoke to a parenting adviser for an hour last week, she was from the charity sibs. She's awesome and she did explain a lot about ds2 that I had just put down to awkwardness.

Mine are nine and six, and ds2 s behaviour shows me that he is jealous, he feels neglected, and that he is fearful of his older brothers behaviour as it really does sometimes end in him being hurt through no fault of his own. Of course he feels that this isn't fair, it isn't bloody fair. He can see that a brother is bigger and just doesn't compute that all this "naughty" behaviour he sees isn't forgiven by me because I love his brother more, it is forgiven because his brother really can't help it.

colditz Sun 14-Oct-12 11:25:33

The sibs lady said you have to seek your sibling child out for reward, to GIVE THEM Attention, so they don't feel so much need to seek it by copying behaviour.

GhostofMammaTJ Sun 14-Oct-12 14:30:36

Thanks for all the replies. DS is six and actually just so damn cute, grabbing him for spontaneous hugs and kisses happens a lot.

He sneaks in to my bed at night, so gets the best sleepy hugs too.

DD has been very good about sleeping in her own bed lately, so she is missing out on this. It's good though, not to have to share my bed with them both. (Poor DP get relegated to the sofa)

It isn't so much for attention. He is more egged on by her. When it is just me and him we have a lovely chilled time. When it is all of us, they both climb and fight about and bounce. He never does that when he is on his own, she does though.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Sun 14-Oct-12 14:47:25

Ahh - the old 'it will all end in tears' - possibly your own? grin

Spend time with each DC without the other one being present and frequent changes of activity including calm moments - snack and favourite TV programme may not be ideal parenting but there is little that can go wrong whereas planned 'calm' activities can wind DC up even more.

Last spring I bought the boys a large trampoline and placed it as far away from the house as possible so that they can bounce and playfight to their hearts content. This has helped my stress levels and also saved my furniture grin.

GhostofMammaTJ Sun 14-Oct-12 15:10:22

We have a trampoline but unfortunately have really horrible abusive neighbours. They can't go out and use it. We are planning to move away next year.

I repeatedly tell them someone will get hurt but my DD is of course firm in her belief that nothing can hurt her and DS believes her! ARGHH! Then of course, they both get hurt and scream and yell and generally give me a headache.

We are doing the calm TV thing atm, Sunday is 'film day' we have The Cat in the Hat on. DD is cuddled up and fairly still for the moment. A rare event. DS is his usual glued to the TV self when allowed.

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