My Aspergers girl hurt kid by accident. His furious mum warning me not blog!

[SophRunning]

My daughter, who has Aspergers, was teased at school today by a boy who's been teasing her about same thing for two weeks. She lost the plot and stormed off, accidentally whacking him in the face with the door in the process. She was then utterly mortified and in tears to see him hurt. Boy was ok but his mother has a. told the school she'll be writing to the headteacher about the incident and b. told the school to tell me not to blog about it.

I don't know which I'm more furious about. I started the blog precisely because my daughter's school environment was so lacking in compassion and understanding, in an attempt to improve both! (Her class know she has Aspergers after she took the decision to do a Show and Tell to explain what it's like.)

I would add, I've never ever named any children OR named the school and the times I have blogged about unhappy incidents have focused on my daughter, not the other kids.

[Handywoman]

Oh no, poor you. Is the boy in your daughter's class? Will it be impossible to just let the HT investigate and diffuse the situation? How 'aware' is the HT of how Aspergers kids are vulnerable to bullying and taunting? Is the HT likely to get a handle on what actually happened?

Maybe wait until it has blown over to blog? I am confused about why this Mum would ask you not to blog about it, if her darling boy is so completely innocent???????????? How strange.

Handy x

[inappropriatelyemployed]

Did the school tell you all this or did she? Maybe the school don't like the blogging?

If she did say all this, I think I'd be equally frustrated at her knee-jerk reaction in reporting the matter to the head. What is she hoping to achieve? It looks like she is using the incident to make a point about her own feelings - to your daughter and to your blogging.

[SophRunning]

We've had years of bullying, which I thought they'd finally got a handle on. HT doesn't have great track record of diffusing. So sick of dd being treated like a criminal. I'm not going to blog. But I didn't say I wouldn't MN!

[MaryZed]

I don't know. I have a lot of sympathy with the teasing/bullying and your dd losing her temper (I have a son with AS).

But, and I think this is important, I wouldn't be happy about someone blogging about my children. About this incident or about anything else, because effectively you would be identifying and talking about her children to the whole world.

If you have been blogging a lot about bullying in the class, then I can understand the other parents being a bit antsy about you complaining about them (whether you are right or wrong) online.

And I suppose if her son was hurt, she is entitled to complain to the head.

I feel for your daughter, I really do, but blogging your complaints isn't going to help your relationship with the other parents.

[Handywoman]

I don't agree that every untoward incident like this merits a trip to the HT. Surely it means that the boy's mum thinks that there should be some sort of action or redress?

HW x

[MaryZed]

It was a door in the face, though. Was he badly hurt?

Or did the other mother know that the next blog was going to be "horrible boy drove dd to violence" or something.

I know that I would not want my children accused of bullying on a blog where I had no right of reply. Which might have been why the parent went to the head in the first place.

It really depends on what the op has been saying on her blog, I think.

[inappropriatelyemployed]

I think that's what I mean when I say it is probably more of a general reflection of her true feelings towards the blogging and perhaps even the OP's poster.

Although the school may not be identifiable to outsiders, the people in it certainly seem to have identified themselves and so perhaps the child's mother was worried that something would be said which would identify and perhaps vilify her son, to those within the school community when she has no way of redressing that.

I'm not saying that you would have blogged something with this intention, but this may have been her fear.

I still don't know why you seem to be getting this second-hand and why school see it as appropriate to pass these comments on to you.

She is entitled to go to the head if she is particularly worried but telling you via school that she is writing to the head seems to be a bit dramatic and hints at previous problems??

[SophRunning]

Hello all.

MaryZed - you're quite right and make a good point. I would point out that I started the blog out of frustration and deep sadness at seeing what being in the school was doing to my girl's self-esteem. And I started doing it after it seemed as though half the class's had been involved in teasing and/or upsetting her, as a way of discussing the social problems that Aspergers can bring. I wrote about my daughter's reactions, not the details of the incidents and ironically, I haven't blogged about bullying for a long time because we thought it was sorted. I've never identified any children or the school or gone into detail about any particular incidents.

inappropriately - the school told me this. they have a knack for fanning the flames of these incidents rather than putting them out ..

[inappropriatelyemployed]

that should be ....even the OP's daughter.

[SophRunning]

I had hoped that people knowing about the book and the blog would temper/alter behaviours/get them to think. not so that they'd all carry on and just tell me not to write about it!!

[MaryZed]

It sounds to me as though you have a major problem with the school, sadly, which isn't unusual for children with AS.

I remember ds coming home one day and saying "Mum, if they found a body in the corridor they'd arrest me first and ask questions later" and he was right. The other children learned early on that they could blame him for anything, and he would admit things rather than have the argument. It was horrible, so I do sympathise.

However, he was also at one stage accused of bullying, and if someone's mother had blogged about it I would have been all over her, because imo it would have made it much harder for me as a mother to deal with it.

It sounds to me that you need to talk to the school again, and maybe just keep a private diary rather than a blog.

Or think about moving schools, if you can.

[inappropriatelyemployed]

I sympathise, I really do. I think these things really remind us how other see us as 'outsiders'. We may think we can get away with being like 'just another mum' but things happen and suddenly we can feel very, very different to everyone else. And very alone.

I think it's great you found something positive to do with these feelings. Perhaps, to some people, it is too challenging and they don't want to be confronted by these feelings. That doesn't make it right, of course.

Sometimes, 'outsiders' are sadly expected to stay quiet and not challenge things.

[inappropriatelyemployed]

And it is very poor indeed of school to fan the flames like this. I agree with MaryZed, think about moving schools if you can. I have done that 3 times now and the difference a caring school can make is amazing.

[SophRunning]

Thanks all, your comments really helping me get some perspective on this. I have never and would never vilify the children who have bullied or teased my daughter. It's always been about giving my girl a voice, sure, but in the interest of fostering understanding. This is an example of one post:

[SophRunning]

And re moving schools, we've got six months left and I am seriously thinking about it. Thank you all. It's very nice to meet you.

[MaryZed]

I can't access that without signing in for some reason.

I believe you Soph, and I understand completely why you blog, but if I had a child in your dd's class I would be quite fearful of what you might say in your blog.

And, like posts on Facebook, blogs are there forever, so parents will naturally be very loathe to have their children described and referred to, even if no actual names are used. It would be pretty easy for anyone who knew the class to identify individuals.

Are there any other parents who could help? I was so lucky with ds1 that there were a few parents who made a massive effort to understand, and the children were generally very supportive of ds. In primary at least - secondary was a whole other kettle of fish

[SophRunning]

Sorry, trying again with that [http://courage-is.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/go-to-sleep-my-baby.html blog]

You'll see, I don't identify individuals in any way.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards. Thank you for listening ..

[SophRunning]

ARG.

THIS blog

at this point i think wine is needed.

[MaryZed]

It's lovely Soph. And brings back memories.

Have you seen the Oasis site? There are some lovely articles there written by the parents of children with AS, and some by professionals. Your comment on homework rang a bell - ds1 refused to do any homework. He told the head teacher when he was about 8 that homework was just set by lazy teachers who couldn't be bothered to teach

Many children with AS find homework a real torture. Because school is hard work (not academically, but socially) and homework brings school home. ds liked to keep both separate completely, and to be honest that made sense to me.

When he was a bit older he would condescend to do some, when it suited him.

But my life (and his) improved immeasurably the day that I decided that the school could teach him academic stuff, we would have fun at home; the school could cope with what happened at school, I would never punish him at home for things that happened at school (they used to punish him enough; days spent in the head's office, weeks with no outdoor play, months of isolation at a single desk ).

If it's only 6 months, maybe you can stick it out. Where will she go then?

Have some

[SophRunning]

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. I don't know Oasis, must go and investigate.

Your comments on schoolwork have really got me thinking. Until now I've really thought I had to persevere with the homework and coursework and the rest because I've been so focused on making sure she achieves to the best of her abilities, and because I worry that if I don't insist on her doing it she won't do any of it and I don't know what the impact of that will be on her learning overall. I suppose I worry that she'll think if she doesn't have to try with homework then she doesn't have to try with the rest.

Your son's school sounds like something out of Dickens. Jeez. How on earth did you and he cope with all that?

[SophRunning]

I have to sign this off by saying i just received an absolutely lovely email from HT. Just - lovely. On every level. This has never happened before. Maybe blogging the way to go after all! :-)

[MaryZed]

No don't.

In my opinion (ds is 18 and his road has been very rocky), the only thing that matters is that your dd is happy. Academic achievement will come along naturally if she is happy, if she is unhappy no amount of high marks in exams will make up for it.

This is the one thing I have learned. ds was bright and clever, but ended up leaving school at 15. He has just gone back (his choice) to college at 18 and is loving it. I wish I had worried less about school and more about making sure he knew I was 100% on his side, always, no matter what (instead of him seeing me and the school lined up against him).

this is OASIS, some of the articles (linked at the top) are interesting.

You should also read this article especially the last section.

[MaryZed]

And he didn't cope well with his strict school at all. But this was over ten years ago; he was the first child in his school with a diagnosis of ASD. Before his diagnosis he was just a badly behaved brat .

I'm glad you heard from the head. Good luck.

[SophRunning]

That Tony Attwood article is a revelation. Thank you.

[SleepyLittleSunshineGirl]

The woman's son may have had a door in the face (accidentally), but that does not excuse the fact that her DS has been tormenting your DD for weeks. Unfortunately, with emotional taunts and verbal bullying you can't take them to hospital and make a big fuss, like she did, because the pain and injury is to self-esteem rather than their body. If the school can't and won't deal with the bullying then I would blog away. The other woman was fast enough to take her son to hospital. Why shouldn't you be allowed to stand up for your child, too?