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autistic child forced to see other parent

(9 Posts)
confused1985 Wed 03-Oct-12 12:33:41

my son has high functioning autism and me and his 'dad' aren't together. we've been in the courts for a few years now and getting nowhere.

my son has previously told me that his dad hit him during a contact visit, of course i told the courts but they didn't seem to care. then recently during a supervised visit my son called his dad a 'bad man' and said he wanted to go home THREE TIMES. however the court welfare officer claimed to not hear this!! so i have to force my child to have contact with someone he doesn't even want to see.

on top of this i have had no child maintenance since last year and think its a disgrace that the court keeps telling me 'he has rights to see his child' but at the same time no one is gonna force him to pay for his child!

I'm really confused and unsure what to do and would be grateful for any advice. thanks

PipinJo Thu 04-Oct-12 20:52:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PipinJo Thu 04-Oct-12 20:56:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confused1985 Fri 05-Oct-12 09:54:00

hi PipinJo thanks for your comments smile
yea my ex has pr as he is on the birth certificate

bochead Fri 05-Oct-12 11:18:17

Contact and maintenance are totally unrelated issues. Whining about maintenance in a contact hearing will only count against you in the eyes of the judge as kids are not "pay per view".

A couple of women I know have seen off their ex's by asking a court VERY nicely that the ex become better informed & involved wink. The "type" that doesn't pay maintenance also tends not to want to put themselves out once a week for 8 weeks to attend an earlybird plus course & a single muliti-disciplinary meeting sends em running for the hills wink.

You can also suggest that Dad does the NAS parenting courses to better facillitate contact as child has ASD, oh and that he jointly attends ALL professional meetings. If he isn't fully involved in, & talking to the professionals the education/medical side of things regularly how can he possibly understand your child's care needs? This is especially important given the recognised need for consistency from ALL care givers for ASD children.

This does have the potential bonus that if the man is willing to step up to the plate and do what we do as a matter of course the child can only benefit. I suspect though that this approach will send him running for the hills and out of your hair for good?

PipinJo Fri 05-Oct-12 13:02:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bochead Fri 05-Oct-12 13:47:27

It's a combi of giving them the rope to hang themselves and killing them with kindness.

Sadly family courts don't want to hear he said/she said & any negativity about the other parent is heavily penalised as they consider not in the interests of the child.

Everything you say has to be fact based and kinda positive and you have to be seen to support the idiotic principle that contact with a feckless lunatic is better than no contact at all. oh and you have to do it with a smile. confused(Case law & the shrinks who get fat of off kids misery say that irregular, intermittent contact is better for the welfare of children than no contact at all)

Mums that fall foul of these unwritten rules either get dragged through the courts for years or wind up having to send their kids to violent filthy hovels every weekend. The solution is to take the whole damn corrupt system at face value and out play them at their own game.

You have to be more "politically correct reasonable" than reasonable to win. So you offer more parental involvement but you are VERY careful to choose the aspects of parenting that are witnessed by professionals. (So if he doesn't turn up to several meetings for example it becomes real court admissable evidence rather than more he said she said stuff iyswim).

If he really is a loser then a professional picture builds up over time to the court and everyone else involved with your child that you are telling the truth & not just being a bitter ex. This is your ultimate goal. wink His legal team is also left with no defence.

Of course if he does step up to the plate you gain an ally and an advocate in all those multi-disciplinary meetings so it could be win-win. The better he understands his own child's challenges the better in the long run too, as it will minimise arguments over care.

boredandrestless Fri 05-Oct-12 13:53:54

Loving your work bochead. grin

My DS has autism and his dad was emotionally abusive to me whilst we were together but has never been violent to either of us. I was determined hebe involved regularly and consistently and it's taken a while but DS probably has a better relationship with him now than he did when we all lived together. He's still a prat don't get me wrong but at least DS has a fairly positive relationship with him.

Your situation is different though if he has hit your DS.

Bochead's advice is spot on though. Don't mention maintenance except to the CSA, keep it completely separate to your contact issues. State you want him to be informed and involved for your son's benefit and that he could do this, this and that as his parent. He will either step up to the plate and learn a little, or run for the hills!

confused1985 Mon 15-Oct-12 22:54:38

Hi bochead, the court finally got my ex to do the NAS parenting course and all hes done since is rave on about all he learnt at it, trying to make himself look good. He done a one-day course and thinks hes an expert! He has never been to a single appointment with me about our son, anything to do with autism or even a school appointment. can i ask what a muliti-disciplinary meeting is? i havent heard of this before. I know what u mean about case law and our son seeing his dad regardless but its v.hard for me to explain this to a child with severe autism.

Hi pipinjo I realised a while back that he is doing this to annoy me and like u say i can only hope he stops smile

Hi boredandrestless, i fully believe that he hit my son cos he used to take his temper out on him when we were together. I'M hoping he will eventually 'run for the hills' lol

Thanks for all the advice guys smile u have all gave me some great things to bring up in court!

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