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Constant sense of failure and self loathing.

(10 Posts)
BumptiousandBustly Mon 01-Oct-12 10:18:25

Ds has asbergers. He is very high functioning and if you only see him for a short while, specially is I am present, you wouldn't realise.

He is highly verbal and very good at talking to adults.

I am really really struggling. It's do hard work, I feel like I am telling him off all the time, I wake up braced for the day. I am often stressed as soon as he starts speaking and realise that how stressed I am is affecting how I interact with him.

I feel like I am failing all the time, I should be enjoying him more, managing to teach him more etc. and then I feel really crap about myself and get into this really bad cycle about it all!

Not helped by everyone around me saying. Oh but he's so lovely. And ils who are determined to believe he is fine and doesn't need a 'label'!

troutpout Mon 01-Oct-12 10:59:20

Hi bumptious smile
How old is your ds? And how long have you had tiger used to the dx?
This takes time I think.
It is hard work and it is stressful ....fact . Don't even begin to think you are crap for finding it so.

troutpout Mon 01-Oct-12 11:00:31

'Tiger' ?
To get

BumptiousandBustly Mon 01-Oct-12 11:09:18

Troutpout - we were really sure about 4 months ago - we were worried for at least a year and a half before that, but were very is he/isn't he.

The thing is I KNOW it is hard work and stresseful, BUT when its your own child and you find them that hard work, i just feel so guilty all the time - and then cross when he does something and then guilty and then stressed ......

Also because he is high functioning and because he doesn't tantrum - I feel like he should be easier than some of my friend's children, when in fact he isn't.

Its all not helped by the fact that I am estranged from my family and my previously lovely ILs are being really bad about this, and insisting (slightly hysterically) that everything is and will be fine - which is not what you want to hear when you are on the point of tears after dealing with him for two hours.

BumptiousandBustly Mon 01-Oct-12 11:10:11

p.s. when I say doesn't tantrum - he doesn't tend to scream and throw himself on the floor - he still bursts in to tears all the time - and the rest!

Triggles Mon 01-Oct-12 11:19:08

First thing - ignore the ILs. And any other family member that is "determined to believe he is fine and doesn't need a label." That is not supportive or helpful to you at all. It's quite easy to be in denial when they are not dealing with it 24/7. Give them information to educate and then ignore if they refuse to learn. We as parents don't have the luxury of wallowing in denial.

Please don't feel like a failure. It IS hard work - the ongoing stress can be so wearing! But perhaps if you shut out the ILs and tell yourself you're NOT a failure, you'll feel less stressy about it all.

Yes, I sometimes feel like I spend most of my time telling off DS2 - but then I remind myself that I also have to spend a fair bit of time telling off DS3 who is NT (as we did with our older ones when they were at home). It comes with the territory with any children, I think we're just more aware of it because we become a bit hypervigilant IMO.

troutpout Mon 01-Oct-12 11:34:57

Blimey -are you me 8 years ago? grin
Had exactly the same feelings ... Had exactly the same probs with inlaws ( inlaws who I hasten to add are now very much on board and questioning their own possible spectrum-ness)
Also live far away from own family

I went through a period when ds was much younger ( he's 15 now.. With dx aspergers/hfa and dyspraxia) ... When I just felt crap too. Looking back I think this was just a period of grief that I went through when I realised that this was IT. Took a couple of years to pull myself through it if I'm honest. I wish I had had counselling ... It would have helped I'm sure. Is this something you could consider ?

Ds also not a tantrummer ( well not past the nt stages of tantrumming anyway) but other things are a big struggle with him... ( anxiety/ fears/phobias/ school work / social issues etc) and actually it is just as exhausting having to navigate that all the time.
What would I tell me 8 years ago...?
I would tell me to cut myself some slack and also tell me that actually even pre-dx I'd done quite well with him ( while floundering desperately)

' He's so lovely' .... Well that didn't come from nowhere girl..!. You did that!
Honestly ? You sound like a great mum who is just now coming to terms with everything that dx will mean for all of you. You WILL navigate it and he will be ok.
Think about the counselling . x

BumptiousandBustly Mon 01-Oct-12 18:29:05

triggles - DS1 - is my eldest - so I agree that probably doesn't help - I don't have the example to go by of previous NT children. On the other hand DS2 - is a real pickle, and I do spend quite a lot of time telling him off too - but it is different, less stressful, changes more and there is more learning there, at least I get to tell him off for different things, rather than the same things again, and again and again.

Also I am ignoring ILs but I am just really sad about it, I am estranged from my mother and my MIL has been so lovely since I met DH, I really miss the relationship we had.


Well its very encouraging to hear that your ILS have come round, and thankyou for your kind words.

I think one of the major problems for me is that DS is gradually regressing - he threw a plastic toy at the french windows yesterday, really hard, and he is 4.6 now - so that is not what I would expect, he never would have done that at even two!

Its also really nice to hear that other people have been where I am and struggled just as much with a non tantrumer. I would definitely agree with regard to the grief process and will really think about counseling (have had it in the past - its just the hastle of trying to get it through the NHS)

Would you say it gets easier as they get older? At the moment it just seems to be getting harder and harder.

troutpout Tue 02-Oct-12 12:04:53

Easier in some ways yes Bumptious.
That behaviour that the outside world would view as naughty ( like your over-excited throwing incident I guess) seemed to peak at around 5 ish and then diminish slowly . Ds did a lot of things like that at that age... Quite random behaviour...Wouldn't have a clue it was wrong. Quite ofton it would be just to see what would happen. He had a thing for knocking stuff over or smashing stuff up.

The downside to this behaviour diminishing as he became more self aware and more worried about things , however,was that he also became more withdrawn and anxious.
This over anxiousness has also eased somewhat too ( although i feel still ever present and waiting to rear it's ugly head)
<< touches wood all around>> grin

He's easier and our lives are easier because I 'get' him and to a very small extent he gets himself now.He has a support system of people who 'get' him too ( nt younger sister , family friends , his mates, school) This is the key I think. I am very much aware of its fragility. It wouldn't take a great deal to throw that all out.

Ds has a very developed cuttingly dry sense of humour... When I think back to any difficult times , it was always ( and continues to be) our life-saver.

BumptiousandBustly Wed 03-Oct-12 09:20:00

Troutpout - thankyou for your support and information. DS1 is also very very anxious already - dread to think it could get worse, but it does help to hear that the impulse control stuff might lessen.

I think what I am going to do is try and find something for me, there isn't much more we can do for DS1 at the moment (unless we win the lottery) so carrying on with all of that, but try and lower might stress level might just help a bit - will see if I can find a fancy cooking course or something one night a week.

(The crying before school has started now, only in week two!) AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!

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