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Article in the Guardian - Love bombing

(27 Posts)
dev9aug Sun 23-Sep-12 23:43:01

I found this interesting article in the papers today. This caught my eye.

"I have had similar reports of sustained success ? followed up one to two years after the love bombing ? from parents helping children with violent aggression, myriad anxiety problems, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), sleeplessness, perfectionism and even autism."

bochead Mon 24-Sep-12 00:37:10

We have "chillax time" (DS's term) built into our week to conteract the daily stresses of life. It sounds pretty similar to what this guys suggests. I'll make it a whole weekend if life has been really stressful for DS. I'd die before calling it "love bomb" time though - seriously how uncool is that lol!

hhhm - at this time of massive budget cuts it's far cheaper for the "experts" to tell a desperate Mum to go away and "love bomb" their kid than reccomend that their department pay for ABA or intensive OT etc for kids with "behavioral issues" . Adhd (thought that was biochemical) or autism (thought that was brain wiring?) go far beyond sorting out with a bit of tlc and a hug.

VERY cynical bout this article - can I say the word "snake oil salesman?" Will appeal to the overworked SN professional with a caseload bigger than the Eiffel Tower and an annual budget the size of a new mars bar though.

dev9aug Mon 24-Sep-12 01:17:09

Well, he is trying to sell a book after all grin

justaboutiswarm Mon 24-Sep-12 01:53:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porridgelover Mon 24-Sep-12 10:06:06

I saw that article and thought it was 'nice' parenting advice for all parents....but it is not enough for kids with SN.
It's a 'nice' addition to the repertoire of approaches (I do it anyway....I need it to remind myself that my kids are not only their ''issues'') but it is not a replacement for the other therapies they need (which is what I felt the article implied?)

bochead Mon 24-Sep-12 10:13:27

porridge lover your point about not being a replacement for the professional therapies they need was spot on. I also worry that it could ressurect the old refridgerator mother theory in ignorant professional minds.

porridgelover Mon 24-Sep-12 10:20:14

bochead...that exact point was going through my head after I posted.
Here's another example of how our kids autism was 'caused' by our inadequate parenting.

I have started to realise that because of all my knowledge of typical development and all my reading about early childhood emotional and social development and needs...in fact I am not only an adequate parent , I am actually bloody good at this. So bog-off with your notions that it's somehow the parents fault....

..not directed at you obv bochead.....just in general....am feeling a tad defensive at the moment since school dont 'see' any issues with DD2 who I am concerned about now.

bochead Mon 24-Sep-12 10:29:25

My so-called poor parenting begins and ends with the fact I chose to give birth to DS (though I didn't do anything silly like dink in my pg I asten to add). I've gradually realised (and it first started when I filled in the DLA form) that I've ALWAYS worked 5 times harder at my parenting than your average educated middle-class sahm at every single stage of his development.

It's also starting to dawn on me that I'm getting to the point where for certain specific aspects of my son's disability I've probably read more current research etc than many of the professionals he comes into contact with.

Also feeling a bit defensive as DS's new TA seems to have been forbidden to speak to me. Also his diagnosis report arrived at the weekend. He's 8 ffs - for years I kept being told it was all me, so too many memories have resurfaced.

dev9aug Mon 24-Sep-12 10:38:27

Sorry to anyone who is a bit upset after reading this. I will remember not to post drivel like this on here again.

Fwiw, I agree with some of the article but only in a NT child, it's a whole different ball game when SN are involved. If love alone was enough, then ds1 wouldn't have any problems at all!

justaboutiswarm Mon 24-Sep-12 10:40:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swanthingafteranother Mon 24-Sep-12 10:42:47

I was just thinking about this in relation to ds2 who has Asperger's (10). To some extent we have always done the lovebombing technique with him from the time he was a small child.
A lot of people have told us we spoil him, as a result! And that his inability to fit in is due to thinking he will always have his own way! So you can't win.

I believe deep down that ds2 as higher self esteem, better relationships, better behaviour, DESPITE his ASD, because we gave him such much special attention.

Once you have established that, you can move on to "letting go" and teaching them to be more selfreliant, but not till then.

I think what is interesting about it is that all the parenting books talk about involvement, listening, empathising, postivitity, but it is quite a test to just spend 24 hours with your child and completely concentrate on them. I think most of us would assume that children don't want that sort of suffocating focus for so long, or supervising and directing them all the tme (whch of course is suffocating) So it is sounds easy but it is really isn't, and it can teach us quite a few lessons about how we really do relate to our children.

Often we think we are paying attention to children we are in fact, Directing, Organising, Telling, Stopping, Chivvying. Perhaps that is what we think the "good parent" really does. Not to speak all the work we do on behalf of our children, work they probably don't appreciate. By the time you have cooked a meal, washed up, done laundry, tidied up, you feel you have given them attention, even you haven't.

Reading Jacqueline Wilson blushshock I'm often struck by the way that inattentive bad parents not only fail on the physical side of caring for the kids, but they are sometimes emotionally absent too. I'm thinking of Lily Alone and the other one about the mum with bi-polar disorder

bochead Mon 24-Sep-12 10:43:47

Actually it's really good to see articles like this. helps you mentally prep your argument in case you get caught off guard in RL. I do notice HE hasn't sacrificed his career for his kids has he? wink

troutpout Mon 24-Sep-12 10:50:10

Don't need to boc... He can love bomb them at the weekend
wink

swanthingafteranother Mon 24-Sep-12 10:52:16

Bochead I completely relate to what you are saying. I do feel quite often we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
Ds2 was having problems with his homework (he doesn't remember it, or do it very easily, gets in a state over it) The teacher had the nerve to say to me that it was stress that I was creating, not the fact that the homework was illsuited to his particular needs. In previous years where we have tried to have a light touch with his homework, the teachers have implied that we are letting him off too easily and he needed to apply himself.

The truth probably lies somewhere in between.

However, I still believe that the more emotional attention you give your child with SN's the better they will do, wherever they fall on the scale of others judgment for good and bad behaviour. I've heard people on adoption boards talking about how you have to parent an older child as if from the beginning, in the way we parent babies because that is what they need.

Presumably one of the aspects of lovebombing is that you get to know your child better, and you learn what makes them tick, and they believe you are on their side, which is halfway to getting the best outcomes.

swanthingafteranother Mon 24-Sep-12 10:53:56

LOL trout.

Do you think the author had issues with his own parents perhaps?

dev9aug Mon 24-Sep-12 14:14:23

Phew, that's good then. I read them and do feel a little guilty because there was a period last year when we took out eyes of the ball with DS1. We were so busy with focusing on his physical development, what with him being an extreme premmie and oxygen for half of his life so far, that we didn't even realise that he was in a middle of regression. He wasn't exactly ignored but being looked after by the nanny during DW pregnancy with ds2 which also caused a lot of anxiety issues.

Thankfully, he is doing ok now, but only after intensive ABA, full time attention from both parents, and tonnes of therapy. Which again makes me feel guilty that we weren't able to provide these therapies earlier. Like someone said up thread, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Such is life with a SN child.

dev9aug Mon 24-Sep-12 14:16:28

Sorry that was a massive brain dumpblush , not aimed at anything in particular. Please ignore.

ouryve Mon 24-Sep-12 14:21:30

Give me strength [mumsnet needs a proper eyeroll emoticon]

jigglybottom Mon 24-Sep-12 14:39:49

We have always had chill out time.....spose thats the same really

whatthewhatthebleep Mon 24-Sep-12 15:45:26

''Love bomb'' ...it sounds like something that you would find in an Ann Summers catalogue or a sex toy shoppe hahahaha

Anyway the ingredients are sound enough and I'm pretty conscious of doing this 'special time' or just 'focused time' in general with my DS....most days there are opportunities to do this anyway....I actually think I am very mindful about doing this with DS anyway...he needs the positive reinforcements and praise to iron out his difficult day in general...and I often apply his own desires or needs to bolster his confidence, self esteem, etc....I'm not so sure my DS would stand to be just with me for too long though...hahahaha that's 12 yr olds for you though!!

It does seem a bit sad that what maybe should be quite a natural thing to feel and want to do with your own child needs folk coming along to make money from a book and 'special' program for it...but then sadly it is needed for some parents who have issues with their relationships and emotional dispositions with their DC's and patronising maybe to the rest of us....

This book will be like a light bulb for many parents so it's valuable

bochead Mon 24-Sep-12 17:02:22

whathebleep - I too sniggered at that term. I can guarantee "Love Bomb" is one piece of professional jargon I will not be using anytime soon grin

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 24-Sep-12 20:49:06

Caring carrot anyone?

Dev, there is not one parent here who wishes they'd done more, earlier..........tis something we all have in common!

whatthewhatthebleep Mon 24-Sep-12 21:02:01

dev my DS has just turned 12yrs...my guilt is overflowing right now for all the failures, missed Dx, lack of bloody interest from profs and school, etc, while I tried to do my best to keep shouting loudest for help and support...

Being a parent is always about the guilt we feel...no matter how much we try to do right for our children

bialystockandbloom Mon 24-Sep-12 21:15:21

What justa said.

mariamma Tue 25-Sep-12 23:34:53

I was going to give my views on Oliver James and his various dubious claims, but this CAMHS nurse blog puts it so much better. Agree with the above poster about OJ's apparent unresolved mother issues though, I read his book 'They f* you up' and cried for an hour. Till I realised he was talking about his family and not mine.

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