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ds is awful for me but good at school

(24 Posts)
drypond Tue 18-Sep-12 21:03:12

his tantrums in public are beyond ridiculous but at school he is so well behaved, he is 4 at christmas and i dont know how much longer i can deal with these tantrums for, today it was over not watching a film before school(watched 1 at the weekend), not wanting to get dressed, not wanting to catch the bus to school, wanting to go back to a shop we'd been in 10minutes earlier, yesterday was over retty much the same plus no 2 seats together on the bus (friend moved for us thankgod!) gave him the wrong cup (biggest tantrum i've ever seen) lady gave him the wrong coloured sweet in the shop.

these tantrums are just getting out of hand, hes bittng, hitting, kicking and nipping, he threw juice all over yesterday and a pot cup at me i'm having to force hm to get his uniform on in a morning, i'm having to pick him up in the street but hes a big boy 18kg and 3ft 3" it wouldnt be so bad but these tantrums just go on and on all day but at school hes so good no tantrums at all in a morning he will say schools horrid but happily goes skipping off up the playground so maybe the tantrum is out before he goes. i cant keep carrying on like this though especially when out he goes floppy so i cant lift him sad why is he doing it with me and not school anyone??

Triggles Wed 19-Sep-12 07:49:05

First of all, I do think that children tend to throw more tantrums with those that they feel more able to "let loose" with - generally their parents. And while obviously there is a SN aspect to it, I always remind myself that my NT children behave better for others as well (isn't that always the way?) I still remember my NT DD (at 5yo, years ago) and her response when I asked her why her teacher raved about what an angel she was when she had been a particular stinker for me at home that day - So why DD are you so nice for your teacher and not me? Her response - "because you HAVE to love me mummy, my teacher doesn't have to - so I have to be nice." hmm grin

I would definitely ask the school what methods they use for discipline and try to incorporate what you can at home. We use big timers and green/yellow/red cards at home as well - it made quite a difference. I think because using it at home reinforces it at school and vice versa. He's USED to it, so it's easy for him to follow and understand. If they're using laminated visual stuff, ask if you can get copies of it all so you can have things consistent at home and school. Ours was happy to do so.

ArthurPewty Wed 19-Sep-12 08:14:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walter4 Wed 19-Sep-12 08:20:54

My son is the same , he is 4 with asd PDA.

Walter4 Wed 19-Sep-12 08:25:26

The tantrums/ hitting do also occur with kids outside of school, everything must be on his terms. Being indirect helps him to co operate. He's a nightmare if I directly ask he does Anything at all. Maybe try being indirect, dress in front of tv without discussing it , ask what he want to put on first, make it funny, be silly! Anything but actually telling him! Might help?

cornzy Wed 19-Sep-12 08:35:52

We used puppets with ds so that the puppet would ask him to do things indirectly. There's a good book about PDA which has good strategies for using indirect instructions. ( not suggesting that your ds has PDA but the strategies might help) will look for book on amazon and post the name for you. Another good book is ' the explosive child.'

cornzy Wed 19-Sep-12 08:37:02

Book is understanding PDA in children
Is very good

Walter4 Wed 19-Sep-12 08:47:54

I agree , the book is great, again not suggesting you're son has PDA , there's much more involved than tantrums. The methods are helpful for all challenging behaviour though.

SilkStalkings Wed 19-Sep-12 09:20:40

Pls hold on to the fact that your other kids are fine, never doubt your parenting or let other people make you feel bad about it. you may just need a Different style for this child.

SilkStalkings Wed 19-Sep-12 09:23:09

Whoops, and by that I mean PDA style parenting. Do you have any autism or even just eccentric folk in either of your families?

Doraemon Wed 19-Sep-12 13:27:02

DS1 is 7 and recently diagnosed high functioning ASD. His behaviour at school is impeccable albeit a little off and absent minded - he tried incredibly hard to do the right thing. At home he lets all his stress out and can be a nightmare - tantrums, hitting, kicking screaming, throwing stuff etc etc. The less destructive side of his ASD also shows up more at home, talking to himself, silly voices, immature behaviour, current obsession with maps etc etc
It helps at home if we have very clear rules and routines and very clear consequences for unwanted behaviours, reward charts for good behaviours. I would definitely second reproducing whatever reward/discipline system they have at school. If he gets violent we now try to stick him in one room before his brother gets hurt, hold the door shut and ignore him until he calms down. Not my instinctive style of parenting at all but it seems to work as he will eventually calm down and apologies (or sometimes just find something soothing to do like putting all his Top Trumps in order....)

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Fri 21-Sep-12 01:01:54

when you have found the answer, let me know.

exhausting isn't it... have the school implied that it is all your fault yet?

ds is 4, jsut started reception and is good at school..

chuckeyegg Fri 21-Sep-12 09:52:38

When I saw the title of the thread I thought I could have written this myself. I found stuffing some food in him as soon as he gets home and giving him a drink (water not vodkasmile) sometimes helps. He goes down to the bottom of the garden and does his current obsession of gardening which means pulling all the leaves off my plants.

drypond Fri 21-Sep-12 20:24:29

thanks for the replies just got back online... the school have not had to discpline him, thats how good he is, at home he likes visual stuf like a timer, it gives an ending for him i think to the time out. we have a caf next week, guess i'll find out if i'm going to get blamed then.

there is alot of asd and eccentrics in my family, but the are going to observe at school before he can have a diagnosis or assessment for diagnosis grrrrr so annoying!! x

onwardandupwards Fri 21-Sep-12 22:48:21

My ds is the same he is 7 and today he got a gold star for amazing behaviour in school, he came home and smashed my neighbours windscreen with his scooter. Am sat here in tears and do not know what to do next.

imogengladhart Sat 22-Sep-12 09:55:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imogengladhart Sat 22-Sep-12 09:59:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrWhoTake2 Sat 22-Sep-12 10:10:41

Ds is fine at school apparently albeit talkative and fidgety he comes home daily with stickers and having excceded his behaviour chart yet before we are even out the school grounds is screaming at me if he dosnt get his own way. He starts giving me a really bad attitude straight away and refuses to talk to me about anything, covering his eyes and saying he wont talk to me. He can go on a school trip and be fine but if i try to take him to the supermarket all hell breaks loose.

Ds currently undiagnosed with sensory issues awaiting referral.

Walter4 Sat 22-Sep-12 11:00:35

All the literature on PDA says they mostly " cope " at school in the early years, but release anxiety at home. Most of us here have young children all seem to do the same, cope at school , vent at home. Schools need to realise that successfully strategies with PDA kids will improve home life ie being indirect, non confrontational, using humour and choices. It would be nice if they realised this, however , even with his PDA diagnosis it seems they are limited in their ability and desire to accept that a compliant child at school is not a measure of success if they are dreadful at home, and that they cope at school due to the pressure needing to be off at home.
With my son, he only does mornings ( he's 4) yet I get the fall out even then. He is not totally compliant at school though, and very dominant in play.

imogengladhart Sat 22-Sep-12 11:52:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumslife Sat 22-Sep-12 23:36:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walter4 Sun 23-Sep-12 06:49:59

Hi mums life. I was interested in you're story as my son has a diagnosis of PDA . He is 4 , he does resist at school ( he is in a small prep schools nursery) but they use PDA methods with him and hes ok now, doesnt have friends really, he thinks he has, but is very controlling .Home and other kids out of school is another mater. His behaviour is typical PDA , he hits , melts down etc, has sensory problems, will not do anything unless there is something in it for him.However, since his diagnosis I now confidently use indirect methods with him and things recently are a bit better.
You must be doing something right if he can hold it together so well when he needs to. How is he with his peers? And is he coping with school work? I was told that my son, although very bright would probably need support in class.
Although I know how hard it is to have a child like this, I feel you are doing well that if he cope as well as this at school and socially , I pray mine will do so too,eventually!

mumslife Sun 23-Sep-12 09:27:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drypond Sun 23-Sep-12 21:51:25

reading through the posts i see my ds, we have a caf next week, dreading it because school have said hes doing ok but im having more issues than ever with him!

im having issues with routine with him at the moment and clothing, he's getting bad for labels being itchy, socks not being comfy, undies too in his bum and he wanted a coat back he had 18months since, refusing to wear a hat or hood, refusing pjamas, he will even refuse rewards.

im fed up of him saying no at me, fed up of everything being a battle and everyone thinking im a soft touch or i give in to him because i dont, if i did he wouldnt be so bad

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