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gladhart decision? (pls come and give me gentle SN aibu type response?)(210 Posts)
I really think only you can make this decision. It seems to me me from your other posts that you really don't want to leave your house. This being he case you can either commit to driving your two dc to school at rural Scottish school or go back to local hopeless primary. I think what might be worth thinking is that this decision is no forever. You may decide to go with easiest option for you for a few months. Once your separation is sorted you may decide to put your house up for sale and move away or not. I think you should choose the least worst option for now and concentrate on getting your life back together. You can then make plans without feeling so pressured by professionals.
I really don't think anywhere very rural is a viable option. You don't drive iirc and even if you found an educational environment suitable for both children the isolation and limited scope for social contact and work would have negative effect on you, and potentially they in turn. I think you'd still feel vulnerable, under scrutiny and disempowered.
I am concerned about rural as well, but for different reasons from Liz - I think the same issues re:lack of choice of schools/hospitals etc could lead to similar problems with clannish professionals closing ranks.
you need a house with a garden
a good supportive school
small town/city for your worrk transport hospital/drs needs
my vote is england somewhere. farr enough away from the inbred-ers (sleep deprivation has made me forget whether it was you who had the private assessment from daphne whatsit)
did you look into Kaimes SS in Edinburgh? You wouldn't have to live in the city to be placed there for DS needs
with reference to you moving house, you would live wherever you chose to and transport would be provided through the LA for Edinburgh and Lothians, so you could choose an area with a nice small school for DD and DS could be placed at Kaimes
If I were you I'd be approaching Edinburgh Council and asking for emergency housing perhaps with a strong emphasis on the marital home being impossible to live within and that you seek a roof over your heads away from your H and in a new area to ease complications, etc
From there you could continue to HE DS, seek provision for DD and allow referrals and assistance to negotiate suitable provision for DS
It would take time but it may be your clearest route forward with everything for your DC's and yourself
A fresh start with a future for you all. Bull by horns and all that
You can't maintain the position that you are in and it seems you need to address everything in one direction and plan
A few months of time well spent working in the right direction with things would provide a lifetime of options and choices for all 3 of you, within a catchment area which has a multitude of resources and specialists that you are going to need and don't currently have
There are many excellent area's around Edinburgh for living and I could help you with that. When you apply for housing you have to specify 3 choice areas...I can help you with this bit. I'd also be recommending SW children and families department to support you in doing alot of this too. Help with benefits and entitlements, etc
There is a way forward for you and you can do it like this anywhere you wanted to .... really you could...and maybe you just need to decide and do it
Having DK report would help loads I'm sure. It's definitely going to get your DS on the right road to full Dx and suitable provision being found. You may have work to do with LA up here of course. If you continued to HE and work through the assessments process and things, you could have a placement at Kaimes or similar within the year
A year is nothing when you will benefit from the years ahead for DS and all of you.
Look how quick a year disappears! - a year of jumping through hoops but a year well spent when a suitable provision is found! There are some amazing small schools around and DS may do very well in ms if you found the right one that fits for him. He may not need an asd school, but rather any ms school with gentle nurturing, attention and support for him and a genuine interest in getting things right for all their children. They do exist!!
You need to think positively with all this.
Clean slate, new approach, fresh look at things with proffs and specialists
Maybe you could start making a video diary with DS too. This would be useful for all involved, especially as much of assessment is about observations and then the various tests and challenges they use to establish things more clearly, etc
Start writing the history, keeping notes about everything, new stresses, behaviours, food, sleep, everything. when is he most calm, compliant, engaging or paying attention, environments, etc. What can he never do and what does he enjoy the most to do.
This would be a positive focus for you right now and planning and packing -
looking forwards is probably exactly what you need now
You just have to decide to do it and make your plans simple within it. You first just have to decide where you would see yourself being able to live. Make a list of 'needs/desires' for lifestyle/activities, study, work, travel ease, community links, hosp, GP, and then research areas that you fancy and look at the services, schools, shopping, everything.
A 'whats needed' project whittling it down to your main priorities and the not so important but desirable and then things you don't really need, etc
For the moment decide you are HE for DS, DD too if it is easier for you and DD to do this. Focus on your planning and research - get excited that this is about laying foundations towards a new life for you and DC's
You just need your head in a better frame of thinking really xx
I don't understand why if school says there is nothing wrong with him he will be put back a year. He the meeting, ask them to clarify whether he does have SEN ( in which case ask them to explains how they intend to support him) or he does not have SEN ( in which case why the fuck does he need to stay back a year). They can't have it both ways.
Ds wants to be in school, you don't want to move so send him to rubbish school , look at it as useful for socialising and for dd and teach him what he is missing out of yourself. And get him on the omega 3 forthwith ( it makes a significant difference IMO and is worth a try)
Sorry that should read 'have the meeting'
P.s sorry my posts are bossy rather than gentle but I think you need to crack on now.
There are lots of nice seeming English schools, in other parts of England, or you have the option of Edinburgh for rentals. Both places will accept Daphne Keen so long as you avoid v.v.rural inbred backwaters.
Don't ffs start tail chasing again. As I see it, choices WILL be made, but not by you. the clock is ticking. You've calmed down helluva lot from just a few weeks ago, and all you need right now is an acceptable temp solution, you don't need to decide the next 50 years all at once.
Right now you are home edding - that's a positive choice. The LA are pissing about. If they want you to stop home edding how do they intend to provide your child with the support he needs to obtain an adequate education ? (see how I'm trying to get you out of defensive mode here and into calm reasoned parent mode?)
Yes you're probably right
Is there anyone else that can go with you though?
Oh, Imogen, I wish I had some wise words for you. Honking and will have to do. X
Well, sometimes you have to fight.
This will not be solved by someone else or by being passive.
You have lost the English place through that approach.
Sorry, but tough love is the only approach I can offer now. It's killing me to watch the never-ending circles of indecision, so I can't imagine how it feels to be within them...
If you have a lawyer who wants to help, go for it. Why on earth would you listen to us over a lawyer? Whatever we suggest, ever, you have a reason why it won't work. You need to start listening to legal advice and stop wibbling about Social Services when you have a) got someone legal on board and b) have done nothing wrong!
The people around you are barking, but don't go the same way. For now, you aren't moving.
Are you sending him back to old school or HE-ing?
If sending back to old school, will you fight to put him in right year?
If HE-ing, will you have the balls to stand your ground?
Lawyer can help with both.
I do wish you luck, but I think it's time to take control of this now. You have to, like many of us have had to, just do something to move things on, even if it's a fight you don't want to have.
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