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Asperger's: to disclose or not to disclose? and if so, to whom? and how?and when?.....

(61 Posts)
phoebus Tue 15-May-12 14:48:38

My 8 year old son has recently had his diagnosis of AS. He's borderline (on the scores) bright academically, but really struggles with groups and friendships at school. He hasn't been aggressive in the past, but unfortunately is just now starting to get more confrontational, (sadly, with the one and only NT child who has so far really tried to be his friend) seems hellbent on spoiling his own chances socially at the moment. He's worked out that he himself has special needs, but we haven't yet told him the terminology, or technically 'broken the news' to him....So, first of all, it would be so helpful to hear of some other's experience on the positives/negatives of any disclosure of his diagnosis, to a child of that any lessons learnt? etc. (Any regrets or wishes about telling him/ not telling him/ telling him at wrong time etc? ISWIM).
Secondly I'm sure some other Mums and kids in his class must know/suspect that he isn't quite as other kids are....Do they need to know? If so, what exactly do they need to know? and might their 'knowing' just actually make things harder in practice for DS? eg. some kids might use it as a new way to tease or bully him in the playground. I can't make up my mind whether it's better to keep him in the dark for the time being, (as he is so young -of course he must know when he's more ready for it), or whether it will help him to know anyway sooner rather than later. His teacher and SENCO say don't tell him yet, but it makes life harder for me also with other Mums at the school gate wio can sense something isn't 'right' but I don't feel free to be open about it with them. Any wisdom gratefully received....

HelenKE Wed 14-Nov-12 20:48:14

My daughter was diagnosed in August 2011 - she was 12 years old. She had worked out the diagnosis but was adament she didn't want to be labelled. We talked through the book all cats have aspergers - through which she kept repeating "I'm not like that" and I gently replied "you are a bit". Next Monday (15 months since diagnosis) we are meeting someone from Autism Family Support - I am so hopeful that they will help me to help her accept the diagnosis. She struggles so much with social interaction and I believe her diagnosis could be a life line to help others accept her differences and embrace her delightful eccentricities. We will see.

HelenKE Wed 14-Nov-12 20:56:32

PS I am sorry that I am so late joining this thread but I am also struggling with who to tell and who not to tell ... I am erring towards being more open but sometimes wonder who it benefits - my daughter is the priority and I am not always sure of the benefit to her unless I can be sure the person will be a sympathetic recipient of the news. The Autism Society has some useful information -

Ineedalife Wed 14-Nov-12 21:10:29

Hi helen I think it is really hard when children are older and have their own opinions on themselves.

My Dd3 was 9 when she was diagnosed but I didnt tell her till she was nearly 10.

She is very certain about who we should tell and who we shouldnt.

She has just started on a course at school which is called "understanding me" [i think]. It is all about understanding the diagnosis, what it's implications are and how it affects each of the children in the group.

She finds it tough to accept that there are things that she is not good at and social skills are one of those things.

Maybe you should start your own thread on the board, some people might see the original date on this thread and not read to the

3b1g Wed 14-Nov-12 22:18:43

DS2 was diagnosed soon after his ninth birthday. The diagnosis was given while he was in the room. After we left, he asked "Why were they talking about Asparagus? I don't even like Asparagus!". At the time I was a bit put out that they'd disclosed the diagnosis to him without asking us first, but as time has gone on, I'm actually grateful that we never had to face that decision of when to tell him. He sees it as a difference rather than a disability, so isn't bothered by people knowing at all. In fact he is going through a stage of leading with this when he introduces himself to new people! hmm He will be moving to secondary next Autumn, so not sure whether to talk to him about maybe saving the information about Asperger's for once he gets to know people rather than opening with it in the first 30 seconds...

CorduroyAngel Mon 19-Nov-12 11:18:48

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure this is the correct thread in which to post this so please feel free to tell me where to go ;o)
I am concerned that my daughter is somewhere on the Asperger's continuum... she was adorable as a baby: smiling, waving and playful. However, since she was a toddler we have had terrible problems with her behaviour in terms of not looking us when we are talking to her; being deliberately defiant; rolling her eyes in an alarming manner when we try to discuss her behaviour with her or advise her on manners; not understanding other people's feelings or the need to say please, thank you or excuse me; being overly anxious about things such as flooding(!), social interactions joining in with other people at school or after school activities. She didn't make any friends at all at nursery except with one little boy, and she struggles to manage relationships at school. Her teachers have described her as disengaging from them, being very quiet but very bright, top of her class etc. It has got to the point now where she attacks me when I try to enforce rules at home - where do I turn? Is it the school or the GP? How do you get your GP to take you seriously and not just dismiss your concerns as typical pre-teen behaviour? I am aware that we may have handled her in completely the wrong way and made things worse, or even (horror!) created the problem in the first place, but I would very much appreciate some advice. Thanks x

alison222 Mon 19-Nov-12 11:50:24

Hi courduroyangel.
I would suggest making a list of your concerns- like you have here, and getting the school to do the same and then take them to your GP. You do not need to take your DD with you. Ask the GP to refer you. The process seems to be different in different parts of the country, we were referred to CAMHS where DS was seen by a clinical Psych and a SALT and given a DX, but I know that others have had a different route to get a Dx.

CorduroyAngel Mon 19-Nov-12 12:04:44

Thanks Alison222 - I am not even sure that it is possible for a girl to have Asperger's as all the references seem to be about boys. I can identify with many of the posters here, though...

alison222 Mon 19-Nov-12 12:17:42

Less girls are diagnosed, as they present differently in a lot of cases.
There are people on here with girls diagnosed with AS.
I am sure that some will turn up and tell you so.

HelenKE Wed 09-Jan-13 20:02:59

My daughter was diagnosed with high functioning autism (=aspergers) 18 months ago after referral from GP to CAMHS. She struggles with the diagnosis but it does help her understand her feelings a little. Life is tricky for her. A steep learning curve for us all. Sometimes heartbreaking, often inspiring. The new school term is already proving very tricky but I think her diagnosis is helpful although of course there aren't straightforward solutions. She has currently been referred back to CAMHS for CBT and we are so hopeful that her days will become more manageable as a consequence. Good luck - I strongly recommend explaining your concerns to your GP but be prepared to be assertive in requesting information and help.

BiddyPop Thu 10-Jan-13 13:02:26

Corduroy angel - I hadn't seen your post before, but our 7yr old DD has Asperger's ADHD dx. And the Psych who did the dx said that she does see a fair few girls with it, just that all the research does seem to be about boys as they are easier to "standardise" and tend to be more prevalent in the US in particular (where lots of research is done).

CorduroyAngel Mon 21-Jan-13 21:37:13

Thanks Biddy... whenever I read about Asperger's it always seems to be talking about boys. I have since been told that it can present differently in girls - my DD is bright but won't join in with other children unless she knows them; won't join any groups (Brownies etc); appears to be very ill at ease with other children and has never made many friends. I thought she would get better at it as she got older but sadly not. Have now approached Home School Liaison and been directed to school nurse... here goes! Thanks for your message x

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