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Anyone know any adults with Pathological Demand Avoidance?

(54 Posts)
SilkStalkings Tue 24-Apr-12 16:57:00

Trying to get a picture in my head of our future as DS2 has just been referred to CAMHs re poss PDA. From the brief bit of reading I've done one would assume that most DX'd adults are in prison! Someone give me some examples of how PDA adults live/cope, positive or otherwise please. Aspie tendencies are fairly easy to spot and we have family role models on the spectrum anyway so I've not had this problem with our AS DS1.

SilkStalkings Fri 27-Apr-12 12:22:20

I would rather my child be 'pathologised' than have everyone he meets think he is deliberately badly behaved, lazy or rude which surely they must do. Or ill brought upblush.

HotheadPaisan Fri 27-Apr-12 12:34:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilkStalkings Sat 28-Apr-12 17:47:01

Further to my last post, I'd just like to say right at this minute that my son is a little c*%^ and I hate him. You are probably the only people who understand and who won't be shocked or try to get me to retract it. Right now, after DH has just rescued me from doing something violent to stop another meltdown I just hate my son. And I really resent the way he makes me feel. Today has just been a yoyo and I am shattered.

HotheadPaisan Sat 28-Apr-12 18:00:21

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HotheadPaisan Sat 28-Apr-12 18:09:31

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SilkStalkings Sat 28-Apr-12 20:12:13

He's 4 in August. I'm just indulging in a little well-earned self-pitysmile.

I did see a little peek into his mind at softplay today though - he'd been howling all the way there re shoes, then in the lobby he took his shoes off but wouldn't give them to the woman. He hid them in the corner of the room, turned round as if to go into the main room, stopped, turned round again to get his shoes and passed them to me to hand over. It was like a little OCD ritual or something, he HAD to act out getting his way so that he could pretend it was all his idea.

HotheadPaisan Sat 28-Apr-12 21:54:15

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popgoestheweezel Sun 29-Apr-12 09:17:36

Ah, shoes, my bête noire. Ds (just turned six) has always hated shoes, it has been one of our most persistent battlegrounds. I can't count the number of times he missed out on going to places because he refused to put shoes and socks on. We were persistent for such a long time but in the end realised that he would never give up, no matter what the consequence. It was destroying our family life as we always ended up one of us staying at home with ds and the other taking dd out, we never did anything together.
Tbh, the main way I have got around it is to just not bother, it's a lot better now we have given up the battle. If we are going out we just let him get in the car without them and distract him when we get there and sneakily put them on him. (i cannot believe we have to do that with a 6 yr old).
Now, I let him play in the garden without shoes and If he takes them off while we are out I just stick them in my bag and we carry on. He gets some funny looks in shops and stuff but better than him having a meltdown. When he needs to get them on for school I just put them on him normally distracting him too, he accepts that ok now.
I think ithe problem comes from several sources; I think he needs the sensory input of bare feet, also his dyspraxia tendencies make it really hard for him to get them on, and then of course there is the PDA- no wonder it is a battleground.
Silk stalkings, dont beat yourself up for feeling like that. it is so hard some days and I must confess myself to sometimes wishing we 'd never had him sad he just makes life so so hard.

HotheadPaisan Sun 29-Apr-12 09:28:24

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SilkStalkings Sun 29-Apr-12 14:41:33

Popgoestheweasel, has him learning to read been helpful in any way? For instance, do they respons differently to written or even pictorial demands/suggestions/prompts than hearing verbal ones? Checklists etc? I'm assuming that once they can read confidently we can programme them to some extent by leaving particular books around and hopefully listen to the author?? <<grasps straws and strokes Mrs Beeton's household management bible with hopeful expression>>
Am thinking of doing a visual timetable come September as the staggered part time starts for summer babies might be confusing and I am hoping to have more work so it won't always be me on the schoolrun.

HotheadPaisan Sun 29-Apr-12 19:05:46

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Nigel1 Sun 29-Apr-12 21:26:10

I know some teenagers who pathologically avoid any demand of mine. I don't know if this is the same thing.

popgoestheweezel Sun 29-Apr-12 23:02:57

I'm not sure how much difference learning to read has made. A visual timetable is a far better tool cos it doesn't have any actual commands on it. A list of things to do like get dressed, clean teeth, wash face is just as bad as someone telling you what to do. A picture of his uniform, a toothbrush and a flannel is better. Visual timetables have helped they just need to be kept simple.
We did try some books about friendship and anger to try and help with his very immature social skills but he realised he was being manipulated and refused to engage with them. We have left them around and sometimes they do get looked at now.

Hothead, how do you use the calendar to help? Also, who did you get your ds' diagnosis from? We were referred to Camhs 5.5 mths ago by the comm paed but the referral committee said Camhs not suitable so we go back to another paed next week. Only 14 mths since we were first referred by gp, can't believe it is time for our second appt already biscuit

Maybe with the crocs let him walk to school in them and when he sees he is the odd one out he might agree to change? that might work or you might end up with an embarrassing playground meltdown- you just don't bloody know do you?
The worst thing I find is that he is much more amenable in novel situations, so if someone new tells him to do something he often complys for them and you feel like a really crap parent then- still I'm pretty used to that feeling nowgrin at least we have dd who is very well behaved so can be a constant reassurance that it's not all our own fault.

HotheadPaisan Mon 30-Apr-12 10:13:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotheadPaisan Mon 30-Apr-12 10:14:16

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SilkStalkings Mon 30-Apr-12 13:24:09

I think crocs are very sensible shoes for school! Could you get some black ones for him?

Our paed is a neurodevelopmental one, she's referred us to CAMHs I assume for testing in a suitable venue as he won't speak to her lol and I suppose she'll review the evidence with them to decide DX. DS1's autism assessment took place over 3 or 4 play sessions with observations by a nursery nurse, SALT and Clin Psych all reviewed with the same paed.

Have to say DS2 was impeccably behaved at a Harvester restaurant last night! And at home was doing some adorable roleplaying as 'Andy Benches' (Cbeebies Andy's show), even gave me an invisible wrist communicator so I could join in. When he's nice he's very very nice... and lulls me into false sense of security...

sazale Mon 30-Apr-12 13:25:32

Hotheadpaisan, you're the first person I've heard describe my dd 13 with regards to the novelty factor! If it is something that she thinks others would like to do and she's given the impression that it's special, just for her, then she'll give it a go until the novelty wears off!

HotheadPaisan Mon 30-Apr-12 13:39:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotheadPaisan Mon 30-Apr-12 13:40:02

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SilkStalkings Mon 30-Apr-12 14:25:55

Other news, my parents have said they will def pay for him to go to the hippy school if mainstream school becomes a real problem. Good to know and good to count my blessings but hope it won't come to that.

HotheadPaisan Mon 30-Apr-12 14:44:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zynda Mon 15-Jul-13 23:29:52

Zombie thread I'm bumping here but I have been googling this PDAS and this thread popped up. My son has a dx of autism and I've always felt that that wasn't quite right, but I have stumbled on this and read this link here and it describes my son to a T.

WingleBerry Sun 04-Aug-13 13:36:59

I'm an adult with PDA. I have a support group on Facebook for adults with PDA, their partners and also parents of both adults and children. It's proving to be a very useful tool for us all - here is the link

Rabblemum Sun 23-Apr-17 13:43:41

Thanks for that post. It would be easy if this condition was environmental because most parents would do anything to get their child to behave but some kids are born like this. People love to judge but not just show some compassion, judgment is so much easier.

Rabblemum Tue 06-Jun-17 17:27:00

If you have a child that never does as they're told don't you think parents try to change the environment, I know I have. I took every bit of advice I could about my son's behaviour and it all made him worse. I did think PDA was a shorthand for soft parenting but I now think it's a real problem. I'd love a child who went to school, but school isn't for my child and that's that.

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