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Not having anymore children

(27 Posts)
MangoMonster Thu 20-Oct-11 21:13:30

anyone else thinking of not having anymore children because of you child's SN? I don't think we will ever know what the chances are of our next dc having a cataract and asd. My dp wants another child, I'm not sure I want to go through it again or put another dc through it.

Am I being unreasonable to dp?

RosiethePriveter Thu 20-Oct-11 21:19:48

i'm in a slightly different situation to you in that I've been a single parent for 10 years or so, however, I decided I just couldn't risk having another autistic child. It's been far too hard and wouldn't be fair on anyone. Both my brothers are autistic too so I'm not just going on my own DS who tbf, is high functioning and much easier than it could have been.

It's a difficult one with my new-ish DP. I think he would make an amazing father and whilst we've not discussed this issue, I think he knows I am anti-having more children. I feel somehow as if I am robbing him of something.

I'm not sure the above has any answers for you, but just so you know you're not the only one wrestling with it.

coff33pot Thu 20-Oct-11 21:38:35

I could have more children but now too old (DS has worn me out smile)

I had DS just before my 41st birthday having miscarried twice before hence how I ended up 41!! There was 11 years between my first and my second for the same reasons. DH would have tried with me for more and it was a shame I met him so late in life or we would have had more time. But I decided after DS that I wouldnt take the chance again. I think even if I was younger I wouldnt put my other 2 DCs through possibly having another SN child. That probably doesnt answer your question either smile

bee169 Thu 20-Oct-11 23:00:42

My first (ds) has ASD and my second(dd) is NT, there is only 2 yrs between them. At the time my dd was born my ds was under assessment. Thank God I didn't know about the risks before as I may not have had her and she is my little miss sunshine. I always wanted a big family and wanted 4 kids but am totally shattered with all that I do for my son so have decided that I am not going to have anymore children. My dh talks about having more but I feel like because he goes to work and I deal with the bulk of the family/ASD work - it will be more than I can handle if the next baby has ASD.

I have heard there is now a pre natal test for ASD ( like the one for down's) but there is currently an ethical debate about it. Not sure where I stand on that one because I see both sides of the argument...hmm

extremepie Thu 20-Oct-11 23:20:12

I'm afraid I'm probably not going to be much help here as I am in a similar predicament myself!

I have 2 DS's, 4 & 3. DS 2 has ASD, and while I don't really mind the possibility of having another child with ASD, I am stuck as to whether it is the best choice.
Is it fair to have another child to spend money on/lavish time and attention on with the additional time and attention DS2 already needs? Would it make life unbearably difficult for all of us having another mouth to feed? Would the 2 DS's I already have benefit from another brother or sister, or would it hinder them?
I'm only mid twenties at the moment so have plenty of baby-making 'time' left but I don't want a massive gap between kids so it's a case of now or never for me, unfortunately.

Can't shake the broodiness and yearning for another child but sadly I think I'm with you and the practicalities might win out on this one sad

shaz298 Fri 21-Oct-11 09:22:50

Our DS has very complex medical issues and spent much of his first 5 years in hospital ( record of 35 admissions in 2009!). He is now ( touch wood) doing really well and managng very little hospital contact other than planned surgeries and regular appointments.

Our DS is undiagnosed therefore it is not possible to say what the chances of having another mchild with similar difficulties would be. We chose not to have any more children ourselves.

However we have just been approved as long-term/permanent foster carers and so we will be adding to our family by providing a loving home to a LO who needs it. Would that be an option for you? xxxx

Bakelitebelle Fri 21-Oct-11 09:35:59

For six years after I had DS1 (undiagnosed but SLD and very challenging), I fought with my feelings of desperately wanting another child. It ate away at me. DH didn't want to risk it and although I couldn't contemplate the idea of a second DS1, the gnawing continued. We finally had DS2 'accidentally-on-purpose' and it's been healing. However, if he had been disabled in the way DS1 is, I think it would have destroyed us. There is no easy answer is there.

If I could have accepted my lot after DS1, that would have been great too, but I found the longing for another child was more powerful than I was.

babyheavingmassofmaggots Fri 21-Oct-11 09:39:40

I had always wanted another child, but DS was so hard work that it put us off. As it was nature (and a bottle of very nice wine) got in the way and we now have DD as well, who is NT.

I am glad I did. Its been really lovely to have a child who doesn't scream all the time and chatters and smiles for the camera and all of the little things that DS just didn't do. As it was DS was only diagnosed with ASD after DD arrived, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

eandz Fri 21-Oct-11 09:47:45

Well, DS who is now 3 has a dx of asd. Every day, I miss holding, feeding, cuddling another child.

But then I think, 'I can barely afford the current therapies/treatments for DS. I don't think I could be fairly devoted to my next child'. And this puts my mind out of yearning for a new child.

But every few weeks, the day my period is due I hope all day and all night that it doesn't come--and yet when it comes, I feel a sense of relief.

I think that the day my period doesn't come, the guilt will.

lisad123 Fri 21-Oct-11 09:56:44

We always planned on having three children. We have two girls who are both autistic. We decided that given this and because dh treatment we run risk of a child with deformity too, that we will leave it at 2!

Ben10WasTheSpawnNowWeLoveLego Fri 21-Oct-11 10:18:22

Well I only have DS (probably AS 6 years old).

It is a combination of money and how hard he was as a baby/toddler that have put me off anymore. Now my health is making that decision even more definite. I always planned to have another once he was at school but once we had been through his babyhood/toddler nightmare, I just didn't want another chid sad.

I do feel sad as I don't want him to be an only but I don't want to go through it again.

StarlightMcKenzie Fri 21-Oct-11 10:28:02

Like bee, I have 2 years between mine and ds was going through the assessment when it was too late to go back on a second.

I have to say though, that of all the therapies we have embarked on, sibling therapy has been the most beneficial. That poor ASD boy CANNOT get away with playing on his own or going into his own world. DD is there nag nag nagging because he is the only playmate she has so she DEMANDS his company and attention.

EllenJaneisnotmyname Fri 21-Oct-11 11:25:55

Ds3 was conceived before I even suspected there were any issues with DS2 (ASD) but as Starlight says, 'sibling therapy' has been fantastic for DS2 and DS3 is merely quirky. But had I known about DS2 beforehand, though? Who knows? I'm just glad I didn't have to make that decision.

molepom Fri 21-Oct-11 11:29:03

No.

I just cant do it. I love my kids and would do anything for them. The thought of having another child makes me want to cry, the thought of having another SN child scares the hell out of me. To the point I am seriously considering something more permenant on the contracpetive side of things. It's a shame as I would like to have another one but I know I wont be able to cope. It's not fair on me, the baby or the kids I already have.

Me too.

We always wanted 3 children. But our eldest has autism and erbs palsy and our youngest has autism and is currently being assessed for ADHD.

We decided to not have a third child when our second was diagnosed with autism.

We had to put everything we have into the two we do have and we couldn't have a third, not and meet the needs of the ones already here!

So it's just the two. But I feel and I think I will always feel, like someone is missing. There were always supposed to be three, iyswim. I feel like someone who was meant to be born is just - out there, somewhere, and won't exist now. I know that sounds odd.

Still, it had to be that way. We couldn't be selfish about it. Plus - and this is going to sound weird - the thought of having a child without autism scared me even more than the thought of having a third child with autism (and all the -how affected will they be, will they have behavioural issues, will they talk, etc etc) . I don't know how to be a parent to an nt child. They seem so strange and I don't really understand them.

purplemurple Fri 21-Oct-11 12:49:40

I already had two dd'd (NT) before ds (probably AS with lots of sensory probs), I would have loved another child but the constant screaming until he was three nearly broke me. I have been sterilised now, lots of my friends are adding to there families now and every now and again I get a pang of regret but deep down I know it was the right choice for my family.

If he was my first dc rather than third, I am not sure if it would have put me off having another.

It is a big decision, do you have much family support with your ds?

MissisCellophane Fri 21-Oct-11 13:11:23

Hecate, I love that you said you don't understand nt children! I feel exactly the same as I am so used to DS. My DS has ASD, high functioning, and another medical condition which is inherited but also appears to be mild. We feel like we were quite lucky and are afraid to take another chance

unpa1dcar3r Fri 21-Oct-11 13:29:53

My situation is somewhat different in that i'd had both boys before getting eldest diagnosed with FXS and then youngest after.

Would I have had youngest if I'd got eldest diagnosed before falling pregnant. Highly unlikely. However now he's here in all his bonkers glory and I love the bones of him so I'm glad I didn't know.

Personally I wouldn't then but their condition is genetic so the chances of it being passed on to other children would have been more or less a given.

littlefirefly Fri 21-Oct-11 13:48:45

I only have one DS (ASD). He will always be an only child - I am a LP anyway, so I guess that takes the decision out of my hands.

I don't believe that 'sibling therapy' would work for him; he gets irritated when others invade his personal space and I know siblings of children with ASD can really suffer from the meltdowns and routines they exert over the whole family.

I've been able to do a lot more with DS than I would have if I had other children to worry about - learning about therapies, carrying them out at home, a period of home ed, reading books about ASD/SEN and attending workshops. So I think that being an only child has been beneficial to him. I suppose I don't really feel any broodiness though so I can only see our current situation as a good thing.

makemineaquadruple Fri 21-Oct-11 15:29:39

I posted something almost identicle a few months back. I know why you're asking the question, but deep down you know that it is completely individual. What is a good idea for one family, might be a terrible one for another. I found it really interesting reading back everyone's responses on here because I think we're all on the same page really. The people who have got more than one dc either didn't know that they're first dc had SN at the time when they fell pregnant, or pregnancy number 2 or 3 simply "wasn't planned". I think that's quite telling..............

It's difficult that you say your dp does want another dc and you're not sure. When you're both in agreement it makes things a lot easier..........obviously! My dp and I are never in agreement! At the minute i'm really broody and dp certainly isn't. For example, I called him today to tell him about the doctors and that they wanted to put me on anti depressants, I went on to say i was concerned incase we decided to have another baby and the possible health risks etc and there was just this looooooong silence followed by "yeah well, we're definitely not having anymore anyway". Need I say more? He's absolutely terrified of having another SN child, as am I, but that doesn't stop the broodiness.

The fact that you're not bothered right now though suggests to me that you really should just take it off the table altogether for a while. Dp might really want one, but let him know you really don't feel you could cope with another dc, SN or not, but maybe you'll feel differently in the future.

Hope that helps. smile

glitch Fri 21-Oct-11 15:43:34

I have one DS who has ASD. He has older step brothers but I don't want to have another child.
I absolutely love him to bits but I can't imagine how hard it would be to introduce another child into the mix, let alone a child who has a higher chance of having ASD.
I don't think he will miss out, not having a younger sibling, and it means his life can be calmer and hopefully happier (in a different way) because of it.

blueShark Fri 21-Oct-11 16:55:02

I have same lovely scenario like starlight, 2 years gap, nagging ds2 that gets ds1 to talk, play, fight....gives me a great break from therapy and time to attend to dd sho is 2 months and kind of a therapy for me.

hildathebuilder Fri 21-Oct-11 17:14:37

I am very different in that my ds has cp, and as such his condition is one of those things, but it was probably caused by prematurity caused by placental abruption and the chance of another prem frightens the life out of me. DS CP is mild to moderate but it could so easily have been worse and as such although I also feel there is someone missing, I suspect we will stop at 1.

signandsmile Fri 21-Oct-11 17:48:14

we have stopped at one, but that is more about the fact that I am wrinkly, soon to be 43 (this is my 2nd marriage) and we had to have fertility treatment to get ds...

I think if I had been younger I would have liked another... (but only about now when ds is off to school and has made such fab progress...)

I think the other issue is that dh has a degenerative neuro muscular condition, so things will only get harder for him, (and if we had a girl she would inherit it, which (for us) was not a reason not to IYSWIM)

chorltonandthewheelies Fri 21-Oct-11 18:46:52

I went through the same predicament and always said if my ds had been first he'd have been my only one, but he was my third. It was such a shock for him to have so many sn and medical issues after two nt dd's and no warnings prior to birth. He literally turned our lives upside down as he was so seriously ill constantly for the first 5 years and I never thought living with an oxygen dependent, wheelchair dependent, ds would become routine and normal to me.

However fate intervened and I am now a blissfully happy mum of 4. My "little surprise" (shock actually!) dd was born 5 weeks ago. We all adore her, especially her big brother (now 7). Her sisters (13 & 11) have loved the experience of having a newborn baby at home. (their brother spent most of his first few years in hospital).

I worried a lot about her during the pregnancy, especially as I am now 39 and had such a traumatic birth experience with my ds, but thankfully it all went like textbook.

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