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upset about my 12 year old

(12 Posts)
extremelyupset Tue 18-Oct-11 20:26:58

sorry if ive picked the wrong board but not sure

Just to try and give a bit of background, my son has had problems since starting high school. he was initially really distressed at the new school, just seemed unable to cope with the whole thing , learning and socially .

It got to the point where his behaviour and emotions were out of control. threatening to kill himself , getting violent with me , hating himself, sleeping on the floor as he said he didnt desere a bed one night etc etc. biggest and most difficult situation ive ever had to deal with , he was really really bad. i posted alot on here. He was so sad .

i moved him to another school and got help from Camhs.
he was no better and after camhs assessments they decided he had a lower than average IQ and his processing speed was lower than would be expected but other than that nothing.
all they could offer were 'strategies' in dealing with his behaviour (useless) and to speak to school .
since going into year 8 and me realising that camhs were making him worse , he has seemed much happier. still struggling work wise but has made a few friends in the music room (although yr 10's) and his behaviour has been ok at home.

until , i saw my friend today.
the one friend he has kept since primary but is now at a different school is a boy he used to help alot and get on with , he has cerebral palsy. and he goes for tea to his house every couple of weeks.

now, last night the friend was distraught after my son had left because he said that my son had told him he is gay and wanted him to be gay with him. he had then showed him porn on his phone and asked that they touch each other. The friend is really immature for 12 (probably due to his condition) and said he let him touch him just on the outside of his pants and allow my son to put his hand on him. for fear of losing the friendship.
I am absolutely shocked and mortified and so sad and confused.

I have had trouble before this in so much as my son has managed to get passed parental controls more than once and get porn on his phone and the computer. I have tried to talk to him about that and stopped his access.

I havent confronted him yet. I know that as soon as i do he will flip and start his old behaviours again . I know i have to do something but i also know he wont talk to me he will just deny it and go ballistic.

please help myself and dp have both been teary today about it all. it just seems never ending and although i feel something isnt right with my son i have no idea what it is and neither do camhs. To everyone else he seems fine .
thankyou for reading.

GodKeepsGiving Tue 18-Oct-11 20:41:24

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your son may be gay and have overestimated the maturity of the other boy, who as you've suggested really values the friendship with your son. Could you have someone with you when you confront him? Is it worth getting an emergency appointment at CAHMS - or at least trying to and you and DP could talk to him there? FWIW, I wouldn't want to do anything either, but if you don't do something his behaviour might escalate because he doesn't understand other's feelings easily. Good luck smile.

Chundle Tue 18-Oct-11 20:58:00

Sounds like you're going through an awful lot!
Just wondering if you had considered that he may be gay and that he's in turmoil over his feelings which results in his difficult behaviour? Was just the first thought that came to me when reading this. If that is the case then you will need to proceed with extreme sensitivity with him.
Alternatively it could just be mixed emotions as at this age hormones are raging.

extremelyupset Tue 18-Oct-11 21:04:42

thankyou , yes i am considering both. On the one hand i think hes really mixed up and this is another manifestation of it and on the other , like you say maybe this is the cause.
but really, i know it sounds daft or maybe wrong but theres just nothing ever suggested that hes gay. hes so boyish and everything . anyone ive ever known turn out to be gay , ive suspected it long before.

coff33pot Tue 18-Oct-11 21:19:31

I am sorry you and your DH are having such a rough time of it.

Just a thought but have they had any lessons at school lately that have made him curious about himself?

You said he has settled in this year and made a few friends who are older than him. The elder ones might be discussing girl friends, escapades and such things which has led him maybe to explore more to keep up with them?

A couple of my dds friends "came out" during their last years of school I had no idea and they had slept over at my house all through child years.

I think whatever the reason it definately has to be dealt with in a sensitive and calm talking way as yes he could well get angry if embarrassed as any child goes on the defensive then. Maybe talking about the actual discussion he had with his friend where he said he was gay first rather than the incident that happened. And express that you want to let him know that you are both there for him if he is or if there is anything he wanted to discuss with you or would he prefer to talk to Dad in private. Try to get his confidence up before moving onto the appropriateness of things iyswim.

I do wish you luck and send you all hugs x

imogengladheart Tue 18-Oct-11 21:20:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Tue 18-Oct-11 21:22:19

I think trying to work out weather he is gay or not is a red herring.

The problem is not that the incident was boy/boy really it is the rest of it.

It would be totally inappropriate if this was a female friend and he had wanted to show her porn and try feeling each other. The fact that he has had access to Internet porn is quite shocking to me [but my oldest is only 11 so perhaps things will change].

If it was me I would get rid of the phone and the computer and get him involved in something time and energy consuming. I would also have a blunt discussion about what is and isn't appropriate at his age. I think you should talk to the other parents and tell them you are sorting it out as best you can but obviously this has come out of the blue, and apologise on his behalf.

To be honest it sounds less homosexual and more sexually dominating behaviour.

Well done for facing it and trying to work out what to do. You are going to have to be brave and firm. I'm not sure where this is all going but I think the first thing to do is chat to him about it. Yes he may behave badly afterwards but it has to be done so you can start making a plan on how your family is going to help him find his way.

extremelyupset Tue 18-Oct-11 21:42:05

my sons friends mum is very understanding. she has said that she doesnt feel angry with him as she knows he is a lovely boy from a good family and is most likely very mixed up. she doesnt want the friendship to end but just that obviously this cant happen again . her son didnt want her to tell me because he really doesnt want to lose the friedship.
my son does martial arts 4 nights a week and goes fishing , bike riding etc at weekends .
He has a phone with him for his walk to and from school, he also has epilepsy and i feel he needs a phone with him. I had the internet turned off on it, phones orange for that and then he somehow managed to get back on it at the friends house. must have found out the wi-fi password maybe ? im not up on technical stuff really but im doing my best !

madwomanintheattic Tue 18-Oct-11 21:43:23

i'm with zzzzzz. it would be equally alarming if it were a female friend (with or without cp).

this is not 'is he gay/ not gay'. this is predatory sexual behaviour, probably within the bounds of 'exploration'. but could escalate. how many young men with learning disabilities end up on the front pages of the tabloids having been accused of crimes? it's so sad.

but you need to discuss it with him, with camhs and with school if you are concerned that his learning disability is impacting on him making decisions about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour.

and you need to do it now. whether it upsets him or not. he needs to understand boundaries.

if his learning disability means he cannot be trusted not to access porn or abide by parental controls, remove his internet access immediately, and only allow him supervised access. he has to earn your trust.

madwomanintheattic Tue 18-Oct-11 21:44:44

get the internet turned off again. i assume it is in your name? tell orange that if they allow him internet access again you will terminate the contract immediately.

madwomanintheattic Tue 18-Oct-11 21:45:38

or change his phone to a prehistoric one that only makes telephone calls.

madwomanintheattic Tue 18-Oct-11 21:46:09

or buy him a pager instead, if it's just for emergency epilepsy use.

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