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more problems! advice please asap???x

(14 Posts)
trasa Mon 17-Oct-11 20:15:12

hi there,
oh god im soooo upset!!!
1st of all can i just say my boy is being assessed for adhd/add/odd. no excuse for what im about to explain,but just wanted you to get a picture.
i need to go into the school and speak to someone 1st thing,
a parent has just found me on facebook and told me my son has being bullying her son,
she said its got to the point were her son dosent want to go to school anymore!
and that its affecting both home and school life! my god!!!
she didnt go into detail about what my son has been doing,apart from the fact that her son is scared of him and finds him very threatening....
she said as you know this has been going on along time now and im at the point of what should i do?!
she said im sure the school have spoken to you about it before!!
ehhhhh.....nope......they have not!!!
the only thing they said to me was that my son threaten this other boy last week,my lad said to him,if you come to my party ill hit you in the face!!
ive spoke to my son about this and as far as i was aware,it was a one off and dealt with....
however,i have never heard my boy saying hes ever played or fought with this other lad untill last week,in fact up untill the start of this school year they were in different classes....
the mum also let her boy come around to our house at the begining of last week for a play and they boys got on fine!!
very confused....
but really,i need advice on what and how do i approach the school in the morning,
(my lad,does have a terrible temper...hes moody..and a short fuse...but also tells me everything!! good and abit suprised hes never mentioned this before)

IndigoBell Mon 17-Oct-11 21:10:26


Firstly don't blame yourself - or your boy.

School should have told you this was happening, and stopped it from happening.

School is at fault here (or so it appears - unless the victim didn't tell school?)

So go in from a position of strength. Neither you nor your son need to be ashamed.

Your son obviously has done stuff which is objectively 'wrong' - but why? Why did school let him, not tell him it was wrong, not tell you it was happening, not help your son?

This is what you need to find out.

Your son needs a behaviour plan, which helps him to behave appropriately.

He needs to be taught how to behave properly at school

He needs support until he learns how to behave properly

And you need to be informed of everything.

trasa Mon 17-Oct-11 21:17:56

oh thank you!!!!
i cant stop crying over this,and im shaking at the thoughts of facing that parent in the morning!!!
how do i stay calm though in front of the head?!
im ashamed,im angry,im sad, everything!!my child is bullying......
im trying so hard to teach him the right way,he dosent get it though!!
should i tell people he has possible problems?
dont want to sound like im making exuses....
hes got an iep in place,
should i get them to review it and change it in areas?
will they do that for me?
this lady told me her son didnt go into school fri because of all of this!

bigbluebus Mon 17-Oct-11 21:23:27

If it is only happening in school - then school should deal with it. The other mother should approach school and not be contacting you on facebook.
Speak to school tomorrow and ask them if they are aware of any incidents between your son and this other boy (other than the one you knew about)
If they are aware of other incidents, then why have they not made you aware of them. And if they are not aware of any other incidents - did they really happen or is this other boy and/or his mother making it up?

I once had to deal with a mother who would follow me home and confront me in the street or on the doorstep and tell me that my son had done/said various things to her son. It was always either fabricated or 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Got fed up of her in the end and told her if she had problems with things happening in school then she should see the school about it - turned out she already had and they had given her short shrift as most of it was made up or her son had started it!. School were appalled that she was pestering me on my doorstep!

Appreciate that your son has behaviour problems - but so has mine. That doesn't mean you have to put up with other parents tracking you down on facebook.

IndigoBell Mon 17-Oct-11 21:23:46

Yes, his IEP needs changing.

Having ASD isn't an excuse, you're not excusing the behaviour, you know it's wrong and are trying your best to teach your son that. It is however an explanation.

It also lets the Mum know that this is going to be a long slow process to teach your son right from wrong. There won't be no magic overnight solution.

Apologise to the Mum. Tell her school didn't inform you and you're very sorry.

You don't need to stay calm in front of the head. It's perfectly acceptable to burst into tears. Only thing that's not acceptable is swearing smile

Sit down now and write out the major points you want to say, and take it into the meeting. In the meeting take notes - and if possible take someone with you to support you.

After the meeting send an email 'clarifying' what was agreed. Make sure actual action points are agreed, ie what school will do - and by when.

Marne Mon 17-Oct-11 21:32:02


Tell the mum what you have told us.

School should have informed you and school should have delt with it. Hopfully this will all be sorted out with the school tomorrow.

Ineedalife Mon 17-Oct-11 21:34:41

Before you panic anymore, are you sure that this is bullying?? Some parents/children don't truly understand what bullying is and many times while working in schools I have heard people talking about their child being bullied when actually there has been a one off incident which has been dealt with.

Could it be that your Ds did scare the boy by threatening to hit him and of course that is wrong but it could be that that is the first serious issue between them.

Obviously I don't know what has hapened but I just wanted to say that I have seen situations like this before.

I hope you can get this sorted and that your son can get the support he needs.

Good lucksmile.

trasa Mon 17-Oct-11 21:37:42

thanks guys,this is helpfull smile
ive apologised to the mum and told her i would talk to my son ,i also told her to encourage her son to tell an adult!!
she told me she had been in to the school about it before,and that nothing seems to be getting done and she felt she had to contact me..
however bigbluebus,my husband agrees with you,that there might be a certain amount of a story being made up,
well i have it all on message on facebook so the head can see it,

i will talk to them about his iep and write down pointers,
i havent spoke to anyone about his "problems" its being going on 3 years now and hopefully tomorrow at 3 oclock i will have the results of our connors 3 report.

trasa Mon 17-Oct-11 21:56:32

the mum told me he throws pens at him,calls him names,kicks pushes and hits not happy!
shes a lovely young lady and dont think the story is made up,as i have to have eyes around my head when we are out with my son,hes fine,but feels hard done by with little things ie: if another child catches the ball and he son will lose it completely!
i explain but he just dosent get it...its always someone elses fault!

trasa Tue 18-Oct-11 10:08:44

good morning guys....
been to the school this morn and had a good long chat with them...
they were lovely and so understanding...

they said that other parent had been into the school yesterday to complain about my child,that mine was bullying him etc etc

the school told me they were just as shocked as me,as they had seen nothing apart from that one incident last week,
the teacher told me she spoke to all the staff yesterday and no one seen anything!! ever...

the teacher also said that that boy was struggling alittle with year 2 and that his mam said a few weeks ago that he started hitting etc alot at home,so she didnt know if she felt that she taught my son was to blame!!

the teacher was very positve,she said our son is doing so well lately and was not a bully,she said yes hes hard work,and can hit out,but,hes not and wouldnt know how to be a target bully.....

she said she spoke to my son about it and he didnt know what she was on about!he said i hit him before coz he argued with me,and i pushed him,she assusred me they all do this,and it was nothing more than that,"boys play"
that nearly everyone in the class will have abit of that at some time or other,
she said he never lies either,if he hits or says a bad word he will go straight to the teacher and say ive done something bad,

teacher didnt want to touch my sons iep either coz she feels it is working and our son is improving very much,

so there you go,i think that went well,i do feel alot happier!

Ineedalife Tue 18-Oct-11 11:48:38

I am so glad for you trasa , I hope the other mum is big enough to apologise to you and your Ds.

What a horrible thing for you to go throughsad.
It is brilliant that your DS's school is so on the ball and supportive.

Have a nice day and give him a big hug when you fetch himgrin.

trasa Tue 18-Oct-11 12:03:50

thank you so much!!!!! smile))))

trasa Tue 18-Oct-11 17:05:17

Well this is interesting.
Teacher called me today to say the 2 boys got on so well!!
That the other boy,who my son is supposed to be picking on choose to sit with him eat with him and play with him. Strange!!!!!
Over sensitive mother there I think.
Saying that. I will be keeping an eye on things x

IndigoBell Tue 18-Oct-11 17:23:08


Very glad things seem to be resolved - and that your DS isn't a bully.

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