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So depressed. I don't know how much more I have to give.

(43 Posts)
makemineaquadruple Thu 13-Oct-11 15:12:04

Firstly, I really don't want to drag anyone else down. I understand that this isn't exactly an uplifting post, but really needed to let this out somewhere. I also understand that many of you have much more to cope with than me.

I just feel like such a useless and weak mother. This morning was awful getting dd(4.10) to school. Normally i'm quite lucky in the sense that she likes to go, but something's clearly changed and she was screaming in the kitchen that she wasn't going. She was started growling and hitting, which she's not done for a long time. She did go eventually and we weren't that late in the end. I shouldn't have just come home and breathed a sigh of relief, but instead I came home and just crumbled. It's the absolute rollercoaster that i'm struggling with. She can have weeks where she's just a delight and I feel so lucky to have her, with or without her problems. Other times though when she's acting like she was this morning, not only has her behaviour taken a turn for the worse, but she apparently can't hear anything I say, her speech is off ie she doesn't really make any sense and will talk "gibberish" for want of a better word.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. We've been through worse than this before and i've "coped", but for some reason today I just feel exhausted and deflated.

It just feels as though whenever there's a positive and I, heaven forbid, allow myself to relax and accept our situation, something goes spectacuarly wrong and crumbles. I suppose if i'm being honest it's not just dd's issues, but they highlight other things which are going on at the minute. Things which I don't want to bore you with.

I really lost my temper with dd with morning. There was no breaking point. As soon as she started playing up, I was liken "right, i'm not having this!! Do as you're told or i'm going to be very angry!!!" I knew it wasn't going to work and I knew that my reaction was also probably due to the fact that I had about an hours sleep last night...............if that!

The amount of people who just tell me to stop worrying all the time! I don't know where that stop worrying switch is though. When i'm like this, i'm constantly feeling sick and anxious. I don't feel I can face the world. I have no strength.

I don't really know what i'm looking for really. Advice? Sympathy? I don't know, but you've all managed to help me see things more clearly in the past.

Thanks for reading.

makemineaquadruple Thu 13-Oct-11 15:22:52

Also, forgot to mention that this is seriously affecting me getting back to work. I always said that I would stay at home til she goes to school, but now that she's there full time I have lost all confidence.

I'm desperate for some normality and I know it's only me who can achieve that.

Because i'm on the edge all the time I feel like I would be useless wherever I worked. I have the horrible habbit which comes and goes where I shake at the most pathetic things. For example the other night dp and I were out and a woman looked at me and tutted to her partner that he was looking at me. I was so upset that by the time I convinced my dp to come outside and finish our drinks I was shaking so much that I could barely pick up my glass. I have no idea why! What was I expecting was going to happen? Dp said it wasn't that bad and that I was probably noticing it more because it was happening to me. This isn't a life is it?!

MangoMonster Thu 13-Oct-11 15:36:02

Makemine, so sorry to hear you're feeling so rough. Is there any way you can get more sleep? an hour will kill you.

My mum suffers from anxiety (the shaking uncontrollably and feeling sick), its kind of like panic attacks, probably brought on by your stress but becomes a vicious cycle. Do you think your GP could help you with this?

Sounds like you've hit the bottom on one of the down periods, hopefully, it will get better for you soon.

Most of all, you really are not a weak and useless mother! that's ridiculous, you're an exhausted and deflated mother who needs to take care of herself.

I don't work myself, but I would think it could help you take your mind of things and gain in confidence etc, but maybe its just more stress, I'm sure someone else will be able to advise.

Hope things get better for you soon.

ThePumpkinofDoomandTotalCha0s Thu 13-Oct-11 15:40:44

Don't know if this will reassure or not but this all sounds v normal indeed for the pre-school years and getting to grips with the SN thing. that sometimes you are ready to take on the world and more, and othertimes, well meh. and sleep deprivation never helps anything. do you think it's tipping over into depression/anxiety - might be worth speaking to a GP if so. Or at least at some self help stuff about panic attacks etc.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries Thu 13-Oct-11 15:41:35

Lack of sleep makes me severely anxious and depressed within about 2 days, it's very powerful. Can you nap when she is at school?

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries Thu 13-Oct-11 15:42:17

Also, if you are feeling so ill, it might be worth seeing your GP, it isn't always possible to soldier on through exhaustion and constant stress without some help <<hug>>

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries Thu 13-Oct-11 15:43:02

and... I work part-time and most definitely go to work for a rest.

ThePumpkinofDoomandTotalCha0s Thu 13-Oct-11 15:53:29

yes I also work part-time, and it does help having adult conversation, and unaccompanied coffee and toilet trips! also it's nice to have adult conversations that don't focus on what feels like everyone else's genius children hmm.

coff33pot Thu 13-Oct-11 16:19:03

sending you big HUGS xxxx

Before going to work try joining a club of some sort to get you out with other people from other backgrounds. Anything not child based but for yourself only. Build your confidence up that way then go into part time work slowly.

Dont be hard on yourself you are a mum that has had and is having a tough time at the moment with no sleep on top!

Try and cat nap whilst DD is at school a couple hours will help take the edge off things a bit x

coff33pot Thu 13-Oct-11 16:22:41

sending you big HUGS xxxx

Before going to work try joining a club of some sort to get you out with other people from other backgrounds. Anything not child based but for yourself only. Build your confidence up that way then go into part time work slowly.

Dont be hard on yourself you are a mum that has had and is having a tough time at the moment with no sleep on top!

Try and cat nap whilst DD is at school a couple hours will help take the edge off things a bit x

makemineaquadruple Thu 13-Oct-11 16:43:34

Thanks everyone. As I mentioned before, I know i'm not alone, but sometimes that dark feeling just takes over and I can't think clearly anymore.

With regards going to my gp as a few of you have mentioned, I've suffered with depression on and off since I was 12 and the "professionals" dealt with it completely wrong. Messed me up for years actually. Still going on now really when I take a step back and look at myself and everything that's going on.

I've been tempted to go back and speak to someone about my anxieties, but when I was 12 I was wacked on really strong anti depressants which were a disaster. Actually it's been well publisised that this particular brand of "happy pills" were linked to teenage suicide and continual depression. Basically they worked for a very short period of time and then would make you worse, or so the research suggests. I worry sometimes that they've messed up my mind. So you can imagine why i'm relictant to take anymore. I know pills aren't the only answer, but I also had therapy around that time and that was bloody awful too!

My dp couldn't be more different. He's so driven and really can't relate to this dark and very sad feeling which overwhelms me a lot of the time. He doesn't see the world through my eyes, just like I don't see it through his. However, the world through my eyes is sometimes not somewhere I want to be anymore.

makemineaquadruple Thu 13-Oct-11 16:48:31

I meant reluctant not "relictant". God, most of that was waffle really. When I read it back I can tell i'm not bloody sleeping!!

makemineaquadruple Thu 13-Oct-11 16:52:52

Also, I think I turn to drink to get me through some of the tough times. (I might name change!) This I don't drink in the day or anything when i'm feeling like this, but every night when dd's gone to bed I have at least 2 or 3 glasses of wine. I can't remember the last time I didn't tbh. So I just feel like i'm failing on all levels really.

WilsonFrickett Thu 13-Oct-11 16:58:34

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. I know its hard, but I don't think you can let what happened when you were 12 stop you going to the drs - there are masses more ADs available these days, and they are better. The other thing is that the gp won't necessarily put you on ADs, they might refer you for counselling, there might be a physical thing that's pulling you down - there is more than one way of helping, but there is only one route to access that help, and that's through the GP.

You don't mention your DS dx, but is there a parent or family support group near you?

MangoMonster Thu 13-Oct-11 17:55:49

My mum also drank to calm her nerves and I do sometimes. It definitely causes extra anxiety in my case and I think hers too, especially if you are already under stress. Plus, it really stops you getting a good nights sleep.

I completely understand why it helps you, it helps me too in bad times, but I also know it makes things a lot worse for me if I don't reign it in. I can cope with about a glass a night, any more and I get the anxiety, feeling sick and not sleeping.

You're not failing on all levels, you're just trying to cope, which is completely understandable. You need to take greater care of yourself though x

MangoMonster Thu 13-Oct-11 17:56:40

sorry can't spell rein...much prefer reign! ha ha

Ineedalife Thu 13-Oct-11 18:26:14

I know you are having a hard time makemine, but please try to stop drinking every night. So many people in my family have had their lives ruined by alchohol.

I can totally see why you are soo fed up, my Dd3 has been a school avoider on and off for 4 years, see has tried every trick in the book to convince me that she needs to stay at home.

What I can't imagine is how much worse it must be when you are not sleeping, after only one or two nights of no sleep I am totally useless.

Please go to your GP instead of self medicating, be kind to yourself, don't worry about going back to work yet.
You need some recovery time.

Good lucksmile.

TCsMummy Thu 13-Oct-11 22:05:07

It sounds like you're having a horrible time - lots of us have hit periods of being really low and 'can't take it any more' followed by lashing out at the kids and endless self recrimination. Sorry you're going through it today.

If you can, notwithstanding the exhaustion, try to find a way to fit some exercise into your routine? Either a class (if you're that sort of person) or a jog or just a walk for half an hour - try to find a route that is pretty, and listen to some music you like or a podcast or audio book and try to focus on that rather than the day-to-day. I was on the brink of ADs a while back and exercise was one of the interventions that the GP suggested when I decided not to take up the medication. I've been running a lot the last 9 months (was never a runner before that) and I really feel it has made a big difference - you produce hormones which help you feel more positive, it's really good to clear your mind for a while, and with a bit of luck you'll get some physical benefits too! DH has had a lot of stress at work and he's started running again which has made a big difference to his mood at home.

Good luck <<hugs>>

makemineaquadruple Fri 14-Oct-11 10:30:51

Ineedalife, I know that I shouldn't be drinking every night. I don't drink to get drunk or to forget or anything like that. I drink to relax and unwind I suppose. The problem is I know i'm drinking outside the recommeded limits by a fair amount actually when I add it all up. I will try hard though to have a few nights off. I know I need to do it.

TC'S, I like the idea of going for a run and escaping a bit. I've heard lots about how for some it actually keeps depression at bay. I just need to get off my backside and do it. The problem is when i'm feeling so low as I do now, my energy and enthusiasm levels are through the floor so it's difficult to just get out and do it.

I had problems getting dd to school again this morning. For some reason every time I ask her to do something she'll either completely ignore me or just calmly say "no". Obviously as the time goes on I get more and more axious and I know this will come out and she'll pick up on it. She knows that not eating her breakfast for example, will make me worry so guess what.......she's not eating it!! It sounds small, but all these things add up and I just feel like i'm her play thing sometimes. I know she wont starve not eating her breakfast and that's not why I get worried. It's because when she's hungry her behaviour can be really bad. If she's with me I can handle it(ish) but the thought of her behaving like that at school fills me with horror. I can't stand the idea of being pulled to one side and be given a long list of what she's done. It's so humiliating and embarassing!! It means that all the other parents know what's happened too and I feel as though i'm being judged. My hearts racing just thinking about what she might be doing at school right now. Is she having a meltdown? Is she being constantly defiant and rude as she was with me this morning? And worst of all, is she being violent?

Also, the last few nights she's been waking up and telling me what's happening at school. She wont tell me in the day. I just get "i've done nothing, i've played with nobody, nobody likes me etc", but I know that's not always true. I've seen her play with other children and sometimes when I pick her up she appears quite popular. However, last night she woke up and said that a particular little girl was laughing at her and pulling her coat and then later pushed her over. She also mentions that nobody will play with her because she plays a lot with this boy who has downs syndrome. I know this little boy loves my dd and I worry sometimes that the teachers sometimes use my dd to keep him quiet and I have my reasons for thinking that. There's no way that I want dd to stop playing with this boy, but it seems to be that the other children wont play with her whilst she is. That's what i'm picking up and it's a really difficult situation. Kids can be so cruel! Really not sure what the best thing to do is.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries Fri 14-Oct-11 12:36:46

If not eating her breakfast is a control thing/battle of wills, don't react at all when she doesn't, just take it away and don't offer anything else.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries Fri 14-Oct-11 12:41:17

she might even just not be hungry in the morning, some people aren't.

WilsonFrickett Fri 14-Oct-11 13:42:32

OK. Take a deep breath.

1. What's happening in school is - to some extent - out of your control. They won't be shy in telling you if she's acting up. A lot of children hold it together at school and then let their parents have it at home - while that's not a particularly desirable state of affairs long-term, for now, let that comfort you. She's probably fine at school and they would tell you if she wasn't.

2. The mornings are clearly a stress point for you, you've mentioned them in practically every post. It's really, really common for that to be the case if your child has difficulties in organisation, fine motor, sequencing plus is apprehensive about going to school - you can see how that's a recipe for disaster! So try and work out a routine that works. If she won't eat, take Fanjo's advice and just move on. If there's a battle of wills over clothes, find a way to fix it - like laying them out in order, helping her to get dressed, or just leaving her to it - I still dress my DS6 for school because otherwise it takes him half an hour to do it and we don't have that kind of time. Don't engage in any shouting or discussion, just move her through the steps as quickly as you can.
Cut out any morning jobs too - like lunch-making, bag-packing, have all that done/laid out the night before.
Finally, have you thought about a visual timetable just for the morning routine, with all the steps she needs on it?

Sorry - such a long post! I just feel if you can fix this one part of your day, you won't be so anxious while DS is at school, and then gradually you can move on to thinking about other things - like exercise, maybe a trip to the GPs, etc.

makemineaquadruple Fri 14-Oct-11 13:50:19

Like I say though, if it was just a battle of wills and the worst that would happen is she'd be hungry I would just take it away and offer her nothing else as you say. However, because her behaviour can dramaticlly change depending on what she's had to eat, I find it difficult not to show that i'm stressed when she rejects it. I know with everything else going on at the minute, this sounds rather trivial.

Went out for a drive this afternoon and sat by the river thinking. I was trying to shift this dark cloud. I was looking at other people walking their dogs, or couples holding hands. The sun looked beautiful shining on the surface, but all I could think was, as beautiful as this all is, I can't shift this mood. I was trying not to think about anything too deep, but it's difficult.

I was chatting to my sister the other day. I didn't go into great detail about how i'm feeling at the minute, but somehow she managed to hit the nail on the head. She said she thinks i'm lost. She then went on to say that she thought i'd been lost for a long time. I know she was trying to let me know that she understood, but instead I just felt so awful that it was that obvious! That's exactly how i'm feeling though. I don't see how there can be an end to this feeling.

Sorry, I really don't want to bring anyone down by reading this. I'm just letting everything pour out, but I appreciate i'm not the only one.

makemineaquadruple Fri 14-Oct-11 14:03:04

Sorry wilson, I wasn't ignoring your post. I think we were posting around the same time so I didn't get a chance to read yours until i'd already posted mine. Thank you for your advice. I think she may respond quite well to a visual timetable or chart. I might give it a go now that the morning routine has gone to pieces.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries Fri 14-Oct-11 14:10:47

i appreciate how stressful it is, as my DD is the same. But it is FATAL to show her you are stressed about wanting to eat so better to try hard not to show it.

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