A bit of a aibu... Want to put ds back in pull ups at home

[emkana]

He es five in June, has dwarfism and is developmentally delayed. We have been doing toilet training for months and months. He will go for wees on the toilet but only if prompted and then often under protest. He will only poo in a pull up, but again I have to look out for the signs or he will poo into his pants. He will never ever ask to go, never. At school he wears pants and stays dry, with one wee at lunchtime when prompted by the TA.

I can just see no progress at all at home and am inclined to leave it alone again for a bit, hoping that eventually he himself will prefer pants. For school I would leave things as they are. I just don't see a way forward at the moment and get so fed up changing wet clothes all the time, and cleaning up carpets and floors.

[NormalServiceWillResumeShortly]

weeelllll.

your ds obviously can manage to wee in the toilet ok. prompting is ok - we have to prompt, have never really got to unprompted toilet use (nearly 3 years trained now)

what does he do if he needs a poo at school?

I can understand that the protest when you prompt him is wearing, but I do think that he is making good progress - he is able to manage it for wees, and so to give him a situation where he could retreat from that would be a mistake (but then I am not the one doing piles of washing - at least not anymore!)

does he tell you he needs a poo, and then you put a pull up on him, at the moment? or is he unaware that he needs to go?

[emkana]

When he Needs a poo he withdraws into a room, and as that is the only time in the day when he will entertain himself (!) I know then that he needs a poo and put a pull up on him. He just doesn't poo at school, saves it for home.

[NormalServiceWillResumeShortly]

ah yes. the quiet withdrawal.

could you work on getting him to tell you he needs a poo? he is obviously recognising the signs, as he goes elsewhere...

we had the same - in fact (and I don't say this to depress you, but more as evidence of what a long slog it can be) - it is only this last week that pooing at school has happened, and as I said earlier, toilet training was 3 years ago... we had the same saving it for home only.

[emkana]

At the moment I'm thinking I could just have him in pull ups and continue to take him to the toilet at regular intervals, would save on the hassle and the washing... Just can't see what I gain by having him in pants, it doesn't bother him in the slightest when he's wet.

[NormalServiceWillResumeShortly]

It is so hard.

I wouldn't go back to pull ups, but I am not you

we got to the stage where there was bladder control (ability to hold on for a reasonable period of time - which your ds can do at school), but I too had daily washing. it does get to you.

it did click eventually though.

does your ds ever wet at school? or protest when they prompt him? it seems, on info so far, that he is probably getting more out of not using the toilet at home than he is for using it, iyswim?

[emkana]

I agree, but how can I reverse that?

[NormalServiceWillResumeShortly]

go right back to basics.

you need to try to work out:

what he is protesting about (interrupting a game; doing something he doesn't want to do; doing something that worries him)
why he is protesting (to get attention; to delay doing something he doesn't want to do; out of habit)

and then tackle it.

so, eg. if he is actually quite worried about some aspect of the toilet - does he feel insecure on the seat? does the noise of the flush worry him? does he hate washing his hands? - then you can try to build up to that aspect of it.

I am sure you have the comfort/security thing worked out. if it is noise, you can reassure him that you won't flush while he is there. for a while we used babywipes instead of hand washing, because it was less of an issue.

maybe go right back and build up in tiny steps.

what is his absolute favourite thing in the whole world? that he would do anything for? it could be standard eg a chocolate button, or less standard -a tickling game, or even his favourite dvd (we used a dvd initially).

to begin with, make sure this favourite thing is only available after the criteria you set. you coudl go right back, to make it really unthreatening, to eg getting him to go and touch the toilet door (while closed). then he gets his treat. do this randomly, with no other expectation. and reward him instantly for doing it. the idea is that you are retraining him to think that going to the toilet is a better idea than not (for his sake, not yours!), so it has to be motivating enough.

then add the next step, but only when he is fully comfortable with that one. so, he goes and opens the door.

then maybe he opens the door and stands inside.

then opens the door, stands inside next to the toilet.

and so on. you could, if you wanted to, make this a regular thing - eg every half hour, in the hope of building up a timed routine (we use a time routine now - I prompt after each meal, and we have success with that), or you could go for randomly, pick whichever suits your lifestyle better

the key is to only place a demand on your ds that he can easily and comfortably meet - then there is no reason for him to want to protest instead of getting his favoured object/dvd/game. and slowy build up the demands, so that he doesn't feel threatened at all.

make it more interesting (and rewarding) for him to go than for him to not go.

[emkana]

Okay thank you very much, I will try!

[NormalServiceWillResumeShortly]

good luck

I do know how frustrating it can be. I had a period where, without fail, there was a wee accident at 5.30pm or shortly afterwards. fine for the rest of the day, but that one time of day was a disaster.

of course I got very frustrated - what was so difficult about using the toilet at this time, when it was fine every other time? and it got circular. even when I wasn't losing my temper (), I was reacting in some way - a stifled sigh, or a frown, etc. and that was the key - it was all the attention/reaction she needed.

he will get there - he is doing very well by staying dry at school.