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Help needed in how to be polite but clear

(8 Posts)
coff33pot Sat 17-Sep-11 13:47:43

To DS school is hell on earth at the moment. I have tried to explain exactly how ds feels inside and explained the huge meltdowns since starting school and them dropping him in full class situation.

Ok EP came and had a talk with them, visuals are supposed to be restored, sensory diet implimented, home book reinstated, and she said she thinks they now understand the turmoil he is in.

Homebook on thurs. states "only 'sticky' time is lunchtime play when ds refuses to come back in and we will work on this.

Talked to ds about it and he said its because he wants to be alone, his 'friends' dont want to play with him because they say he is naughty and it upsets him because he is trying hard to be 'responsible' also playtime is noisy and he just wants to have time on his own after. I put this in the book and advised them that he has mentioned the "you are naughty" senario a few times now during playtime said I hope this helps as he is just asking for a little quiet time.

Friday: DS came home full on meltdown screaming. Basically everything in the house was wrong and yelled at until finally he shouts "I had the most horrible day I had to write lots and I cant do it and they made me and its too noisy!" That they still wont leave him alone after dinner and all he wanted to do was lay down on the grass for a little while. They said I wouldnt get my sticker but I would rather not have my sticker if I can just be alone for 5 mins.

I checked the homebook and it states. DS must be getting things confused as he is rigid on game choice and doesnt understand that kids want to play their own games. (this I can understand but he is not confused about what he has been told by kids that he is naughty and so they dont want to play)

Then it states "I have spoken to the children and they are very pleased with DS and I have told him they are pleased with him and perhaps I could encourage him on keeping up the good behaviour. Also the suggestion of "perhaps DS could have 15 mins of time after dinner alone with an adult to discuss something he has brought from home, we will start this next week.....

To give you a picture he is part time till 1.15 (after dinner)in full class that he cant cope with, he is dragged off to do phonics with a small group then back to class, he has 1 to 1 in the class but is totally used to quiet 1 to 1 in a library and his sensory problems are hitting the roof as he has nowhere to run and hide. I have been teaching him to say that he is stressed and needs a break and some quiet which is backfiring as they are not listening to his request. He has coped (somewhat)all bloody morning and through dinner and play. The idea is the social interaction aspect of lunchtime which is why I agreed to let him stay over lunch then collect, but this was when he was solo 1 to 1 and so wasnt with any children other than play.

How in the hell can I make these ppl see that he is doing a good thing by asking for time out? That he has had enough of ppl/kids and as he says just wants to have 5 mins on his own wandering around the field or laying on the grass when everyone has gone in so he can settle himself. The last thing he is asking for is to talk to anyone about any subject because he is overloaded and WANTS A BREAK!!! And if he is being carted off to be on his own he just as well come home as he is missing any interaction anyway ffs!

davidsotherhalf Sat 17-Sep-11 19:46:20

this happened to my dd a few yrs ago,she had split placement between ms and camhs school, camhs school taught her time out, but ms wouldn't let her do this, she ended up locking herself in the loo if she needed time out. they also taught her if your angry with someone don't hit them, write down what u would like to do to them and why then throw the paper in the bin...dd did this in ms school and teacher took it off dd and gave it to the child it was about to deliver to ht....dd got excluded for this, imo schools always think they know best.....can you put the quiet time on your ds iep? request a review of iep

coff33pot Sat 17-Sep-11 20:32:50

how wrong to exclude your dd. Poor thing would be getting mixed messages on exactly what to do.

This is what I am finding hard. We are trying to help him understand his emotions and the feelings of others. The norm for him is to run and hide and if he cant then he will roar and scream rather than explain what he wants to do or what has upset him. I have suggested red card to keep in his pocket but nope they wont let him use one. All the while telling him it is far better to just say one word "upset" if he cant explain and then the teachers will hopefully remove him from whatever it is but nope that wont do for them either.

Its actually trying to make them see that he is trying to self regulate instead of exploding and to me that should be commended. Also the daft thing is if they let him build his confidence up by allowing him his time out then he just may make it to full time one day.

coff33pot Sat 17-Sep-11 22:04:07

review his IEP. Yes I could do that but I thought it was only targets that the school enter down ie answer when called etc I didnt know I could ask that he be allowed quiet time.......

Then while writing this I am thinking to myself I could phrase it as a social/emotional skill to learn when to ask for quiet time rather than run or distrupt?

unpa1dcar3r Sun 18-Sep-11 08:38:31

Oh Coffee.
Hmm probably preaching to the converted but perhaps some hard evidence- not just on your son- about his condition?
I always throw loads of info on FXS from the Fragile X Society at anyone dealing with the boys. Can u get hold of some like that?

coff33pot Sun 18-Sep-11 21:28:38

evening unpa1d smile
well its like thisssss I have given them a book called Ten Things, I have given them a whole two page email on his sensory, emotional problems and another on stragegies that I have found unbelievably helpful, another on triggers. I have had cahms visit school, I have had behaviour chap tell them to go back to when he was first happy ie. 1 to 1 in quiet with staggered small group situations and to treat him as if he has autism issues (now conf with at least SPD & communication disorder and on road for AS/ASD), the EP has told them he needs time out every 10 mins either quiet or sensory diet of excercise depending on his anxiety mood as 10 mins is his concentration span. I have taken in a photo of the destruction of my living room to show the extent of his meltdowns after being trapped in class all day.

I want to scream really. Its like he is a challenge to them and that they WILL break him. Sad thing is it is breaking him as he is regressing back to where he used to be at home. There answer is "oh just bear with it" angry

davidsotherhalf Mon 19-Sep-11 09:06:20

coff i wish u lived in my area as i would be supporting you in rl and sorting this school out, i used to be diplomatic when talking to schools and got nowhere, now my friends say i don't know the meaning of the word lol.

coff33pot Mon 19-Sep-11 11:30:10

I am losing all diplomacy myself lol. I have written in his homebook 3 pages of exactly how DS "ticks" what he is battling with inside ie anxiety, needs to be in control of situations, doesnt like not knowing what is happening next both in RL and in gameplay. That his sensory issues are visual, auditory, tactile and sensory seeking and that he hates crowds and being trapped. Tried to spell out that he needs understanding of these sensory issues and needs help with proffessionals to overcome or learn coping stratagies BEFORE we even deal with his self esteem and anxiety or even attempt to throw him in a classroom or leave him alone in a whole playground. Tried to tell her in so many words that its not just a case of bearing with it or just plain old social skills like sharing and turn taking and being polite.

Also said because of his aggression it is paramount that we work together to help him overcome the anger, learn his feelings and learn the correct way of asking for time out when he is stressed so please can they at least work with me on this and let him do what he is trying to do, to take a break instead of breaking everything in sight! But then I have a feeling I would have more sense out of my friend the

I am hoping to get a call from OT re his appointments today, maybe then I might meet some RL mums with the same problems. I dont know anyone with SN children so at the moment its me......the wall.....and mumsnett lol

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