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DD 4,5 biting me(37 Posts)
Since the start of the holidays up until now my dd 4.5 dev delay autistic traits) keeps biting me,not in an aggressive way but as a sign of showing her affection and love. Because her understanding is not too good, I have constantly told her that biting hurts and she is to kiss mummy, to no avail. Has anyone got any advice! I am afraid that if it does not stop now, she might bite at school.
My dd also bites but in anger or frustration rather than in love! I have no firm answers because my strategies sometimes work better than others. Also is different because my dd does know it's wrong I think but just finds it hard to control herself. I have tried ignoring - didn't work. She now has to sit on a naughty spot / mat when she does this. I also make sure she gets a very disapproving firm telling off. I also of course try to prevent it happening by keeping to routine, schedules, giving her time to follow instructions and also tend to step back when I am asking her to do something I know she won't like - sometimes she goes to do it and seems to stop herself. Unfortunately she will also bite herself if she is really frustrated. I think it does kind of fulfill a need she has so am also looking for things she could bite safely when angry.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thanks cansu dd is usually a lovely gentle little girl, but I am 5 months pg mabey that has something to do with it. Because dd speech and communication is delayed I think that she finds it difficult to express her feelings, and bits when she is cuddling me or is happy. When she does bit I tell her no it hurts, and show her my marks so that she knows that she hurt me. If it keeps happening I put her in her room with stair gate on for 5 mins, and get her to apologise to me for biting.
DD auntie also gave her a lovely felt feelings chart with different faces that she can take off and hold, conveying different emotions. I think that i will start showing her the sad face when she bites me, and tell her that biting makes mummy sad
I will try that, it might be sensory, she does like to put things in her mouth (not as much now) to get the feelings.
I have a body full of bite marks , however i would rather she bite me than a child or teacher at her MS school. Thank god her draft statement will be here on Monday
Have you tried giving her something that is ok to bite? Dont bite mummy, bite X kinda thing.
Oops sorry, just seen that someone has already suggested that
I am sorry but why not get cross with her and show her it's a no-no by your face/voice / expression. If she does it at school it will significantly affect her future education and will narrow her options right down, so a bit of uncomfortable parenting now will pay dividends in the future. I had a conversation once with a mum who was telling me her autistic son bit everyone (teachers, her, other kids). I asked her why she didn't tell him off in no uncertain terms. She said - "he only does it because of his autism and because he's anxious". My view: there are some things which are non-negotiable, and it doesn't matter WHY the kid does it, it only matters THAT he is doing it. Her boy is still biting, and is now a lot older. Please get tough now, it will save a lot of pain later.
I got the impression that Piglet had already tried that and it hadnt worked?
I am not sure, I thought she had tried lots of stuff like "it hurts mummy" and showing her the bite marks. Or using time-out, and explaining why. None of which would have got through to my autistic boy at that age, as he simply didn't have the language or understanding. Face and voice are what got through to him, as non-verbal expressions of "no".
Ds does this sometimes ehen he feels excited and affectionate. He means (I hope) to bite clothes but sometimes gets us too. Like justabout I think it is sensory. We yelp loudly and move away from him - natural consequences! Have also thought about chewy tube but at moment doesn't happen v often
I do get very angry, have even smacked her . I will keep reinforcing that it is not nice behaviour and time out in her room. I will keep showing her the sad faces, and also when she bites pushing her away from me and not having her near me for a while just so she knows how it has hurt me. Its like a dog who bites out of affection (my friends puppy did this but stopped when he got older)
My assumption could be wrong I agree, somethings are non-negotiable and it doesnt matter why they are doing it. Ds has never bitten anyone, nothing goes in his mouth! but hitting is a non-negotiable thing.
I have found ds has great difficulty with facial expressions, tone of voice, body language etc so getting cross with him is pointless, he doesnt notice or understand why! I also found punishment was pointless as he couldnt connect the punishment to the action. I try to replace old behaviour, with a new one ie you dont do that, you do this or make the consequences very logical. For example he smashed his brothers laptop, so he had to give his brother his laptop.
Still different horses for courses as they say
dd is starting to understand facial expressions, but I think finds it difficult to connect the punishment to the action at the moment. I have tried the 'you don't bite, you kiss instead' but it does not seem to get through.
I know some autistic kids do not read expressions well, but I have been told (by DH!) that my angry face is particularly angry and scary, of nuclear proportions. I think an exaggerated reaction is probably a good thing, as there can be no doubt with my boy that a) I'm angry and b) I'm boss.
sosce , yes I have been known to do very angry expressions and certainly shout when she bites as it really does hurt badly
Piglet, you dont bite, you kiss, probably doesnt make much sense to your dd, she doesnt need to kiss, she needs to bite iyswim. So dont bite me, bite this would probably make more sense to her.
sickof Im scared of you already im great believer in whatever works, i dont think there is a right or wrong way, just whatever works.
sometimes when she bites she pinches my skin and I roar like a lion as it bloody hurts, that certainly makes her jump
Perhaps she likes that reaction too Piglet, as Sickof said many ASD kids only understand an exaggerated reaction. That is certainly true of ds, everything has to be exaggerated for him to get the same feeling, which is why he is always running about and crashing into things
I always wondered why my disciplining stratergies would not work with her, but they do with other kids. My dd hasen;t got a formal dx of ASD more like a dev delay of 2 years but she does have some autistic traits which are quite evident but not enough to make a dx now at this stage. When dd was younger before we realised something was up, dd would not react when i shouted or smacked , would never post this in AIBU as ss would be called and i would be flamed from here to high heaven.
My ds used to do this and also as an apparent affection or excitement.
We found that reacting by showing pain or telling off just reinforced the biting. We found that immediately putting him down on the floor with a calm "no biting" did help eventually. We were also told to push his head into your body when he bit as this would force him to release.
It did improve very slowly as his understanding came on, keeping my reaction consistent also helped.
I didn't find that he bit other people as it was very similar to you dd and in a bizarre way affection based.
I don't think you need to worry that your dd will grow into a serial biter.
Thanks maddiemoestmerry its very reassuring, I just don't want her biting at school, It is affection based, and i think she likes the negative reactions from me to, the more i am unhappy the more she does it.
Piglet, 'smacking' is part of ds's sensory therapy almost, he would probably enjoy being smacked. Part of his therapy is handling him roughly, chopping him etc
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