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Is there any way I will ever understand my daughter?

(9 Posts)
mummyloveslucy Wed 07-Sep-11 23:03:44

Hi, my DD is 6.5 and has a developmental delay of approx 2 years. In some areas she's within normal ranges, but has majour difficulties with speech and language.
She's very sociable most of the time but will cut people off for no apparent reason. She'll chat away to strangers as if she's known them all her life, but expects them to know everything about her too and will often say strange things that don't make sence or that are in apropriate like "I don't want to be sick when I die" (This was said to a shop keeper, the minute he said "hello" to her) hmm
She gets quite obsessed with things and will go on and on about the same TV programme for days. It's so draining.
She can act quite normally, when she's at home or with other members of her family. She tends to show her self up more in front of strangers, she loves their attention.
She's also very unpredictable, she loves her grandma, but the other day, she poped in to see her while she was at her other Grandmas house and DD shut the living room door on her, and refused to say hello.
She'll also quote lines from her favourate film or act it out in front of strangers, without telling them what she's doing. It's so embarrassing! She'll talk non stop at them too, not really listening to what they say in return.
She's being tested for ASD, but they don't think she has it as she's so caring, compassionate and understands emotions etc. From the questionairre, they said it isn't likely, but they haven't scored the other acessment.
I just feel so frustrated with her as she comes accross as so full on and strange, I dread to think what people must think of me, when I can't what she's doing.
I'd love to be able to understand why she behaves in certain ways and how to get the best out of her, but I don't. I don't know wether to tell her she's acting strange and to try to act normal, or to just let her carry on. My mum says I should be more strict and she'll say to her "We've had enough now, can you be quiet for a few minutes". Although it isn't naughty behaviour as such, she just loves to be the centre of attention.
I'm not sure if anyone will understand this, as I've had a couple of wine but it's helped to get it out anyway. I just feel like a bit of failiour as a mother at the moment. I'm sure not many mums could say they don't understand their own child.

mummyloveslucy Wed 07-Sep-11 23:17:33

I should mention I had a particulally bad day today with her. We were in a beauty salon waiting for her grandma, and she was acting so strange in front of the receptionist. The lady actually said " I was just wondering what's wrong with her love, is she autistic?" I know it was quite rude, but I think she was genuinly curious and it wasn't said in a nasty way. I could only say "I don't know, she's being tested". It was very awkward as my DD would've been listening. She also asked why she was doing the things she was, like singing with her fingers in her ears etc. I had to say "I don't know". I just left feeling so deflated and embarassed.

lisad123 Wed 07-Sep-11 23:32:04

th shouting weird things out sounds alot like delayed echolalia, DD2 does this alot (shes autistic). Its a standard go to for her when shes stressed or has no clue on how to respond to a social communication. Shes unlikely to know why she does it.
We do alot of social stories with the girls to help them learn how to act, and what to say, even to the point of learning how to greet daddy when he gets in from work!!

used2bthin Wed 07-Sep-11 23:39:28

hi, I kwym. My dd has been agressive and so draining this year and I feel awful but I am finding it hard to be patient with some of her obsessive behaviour. And I don't understand her, literally a lot of the time as her speech is so unclear. She doesn't understand things in the same way as others so mishears or interprets things oddly, its impossible to know what she is taking in so behavior is hard to manage at times.

Sounds like a bad day, you will probably feel better tomorrow, its always worse late at night ime.

The public aspect of it is hard, my dd also seems to enjoy being centre stage which is definately not a family trait-I am getting used to it though grin

insanityscatching Thu 08-Sep-11 06:09:00

I think the shutting the door on her Grandma is like what my son (he has autism) used to do when people weren't where he expected them to be. So he loved his TA at school but if he saw her in the supermarket he would ignore her because she was in the wrong place! Your dd associates her Grandma with her own house when she popped up unexpected she couldn't deal with that and so shut her out.
Having two with autism I've grown a thick skin because as hard as they try they can't hide the autism out of the house. That's not to say that your mum's wrong in telling your dd to stop when she's had enough I do the same only I say "nice walking" (when the dancing in the street gets too much) "good talking" (when the silly voices start to grate) and lots more describing the behaviour I want rather than saying what I don't want IYSWIM just so that it doesn't seem like I'm nagging at them constantly and they don't always grasp "don't" anyway.
We all have bad days you know so hopefully tomorrow's better. FWIW dd has autism but is the most kind caring and compassionate child you could wish to meet so autism shouldn't be ruled out on those grounds. I think girls present very differently to boys and so don't be afraid to ask for a second opinion from a specialist diagnostic service if there isn't a clear diagnosis.

Lookhere Thu 08-Sep-11 06:15:31

DS has been diagnosed with autism but his primary 'disability' is his speech disorder I think. They often seem to go together and I know of lots of children with speech issues who have autistic traits, even if its not full blown.

I reckon the best thing you could do for her is to learn about autism and it may help you understand your daughter - even if she's not autistic. It just sounds like her brain my lean in that direction and life is SO much better when you can get your head around it and stop hoping that they can be 'normal'.

I do feel for you. Its hard isn't it, when other people comment. And you probably understand her really well actually - you're just letting your expectations get in the way.

Hang in there.

lisad123 Thu 08-Sep-11 09:01:03

yes I agree, I have 2 girls both with Autism and while they prefer to play their own way, both can be loving and social on their terms. DD1 is not very social but has plently of friends, DD2 is very social, in that she likes being with others, but dont dare anyone touch her!
I would be tempted to keep a diary of her behaviours and take it to your next appointment.

dolfrog Thu 08-Sep-11 13:04:20


ASD is currently diagnosed based on the criteria of observed behaviors, a minimum of 6 from 12 possible criteria, and is one last range of issues which will be soon be diangosed using genetics and neurological clinical tests.
The most recent body of research has identified some of the Auditory areas of brain activity which can cause the communication problems experiences by those who have ASD, or the problems they have understanding sound based stimuli, which includes speech. There has also be recognition that 40% of those who has ASD also have ADHD as a contributory factor causing the resulting behaviors.
So the individual cognitive issues (deficits / disorder) which if not fully understood and accommodated can trigger one or more of the so called traits, that form the criteria for an ASD diagnosis.
So may be further investigation to identify the underlying information processing deficits / disorders that could be causing Speech and Language related issues would be a good way forward.
CiteULike Group: Autism - library 208 articles
CiteULike Group: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) - library 95 articles
CiteULike Group: Audiology and Auditory Processing Disorder - library 391 articles
and from my PubMed collections
Speech and Language Pathology
Specific Language Impairment (SLI)
Pragmatic Language Impairment (PLI)

I hope this helps to identify the possible underlying cognitive processing issues

mummyloveslucy Thu 08-Sep-11 20:43:00

Thanks every one, that's so helpful and actually makes sence of quite a few things.

What I find strange, but in a very good way, is that she has no problem making friends. You'd think they'd find her annoying. She has 3 really close friends who kind of fight over her. They get upset with each other when they think one of them is "hogging" Lucy. She doesn't seem to notice this, which is good I suppose. When she finds a friend, she's so loyal to them, it's almost like hero worship. I guess she makes them feel good about themselves.

She comes accross very different to adults, but children don't seem to notice, or mind. All the questions or comments I've had about her have been from adults.

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