'D' H has been having an affair.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

I've got a (long) thread in relationships if anyone has an hour to spare! Link here But in short, H has been having an affair for the past 6 months. I finally found out this morning after 3 weeks of him denying it, and I've asked him to leave. Just need some hugs from my SN friends.

[starfishmummy]

Hugs from me

[sickofsocalledexperts]

Oh God that is awful. Is it his cowardly displacement activity for the SN, or is he just a *** having his dull, predictable little mid-life crisis? I am so sorry Ellen, Hugs

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

The second, a dick with a mid life crisis. What a fucker.

[signandsmile]

I am so sorry, how awful, I wish I had something useful to say, but please know you are in my thoughts (and prayers, if you don't mind) .

Please look after yourself, we are here for you,

(((all the hugs possible)))

[Ben10WasTheSpawnNowWeLoveLego]

:( so sorry to hear this. Hugs x x

[sickofsocalledexperts]

I have just read a bit of your thread, and I note that he does the classic "it's all your fault cos you're a moany bitch", just a little while before it transpires that he's been having an affair. Way to go, Mr Ellen, having an affair and making it your wife's fault. Classy.

Hopefully he will, perhaps, now see the load you have to cope with, if he has the kids for a day to himself now and then? Or are you going to try and make it work, which I wouldn't blame you for trying at all.

I am sending you strong vibes: I think all of us have to put our marriages lower down the list than we might wish, because a kid with special needs simply can't be left alone like a nf kid can.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

No way back, I'm afraid. He was really vile this morning. And seeing their juvenile sex talk emails was just horrible.

[insanityscatching]

Oh Ellen sending you hugs, had been wondering how you were. Stay strong for your boys x

[sickofsocalledexperts]

It won't last, and then he will be just another middle-aged man who thought the grass was greener and now doesn't live with his kids. Let's see how she copes with a weekend with the kids, am I awful to find that a cheery thought?

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

She's got a quirky 7 yo of her own, who goes to a public school. I think there's no shortage of money, just a shortage of her own husband. She's just separated from her 3rd DH. So a great catch, then.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

Also, H wants the kids to live with him for 1 week out of 2, to coincide with the other woman's arrangements with her DS. Anyone think that's a good idea for a boy with ASD?

[sickofsocalledexperts]

The thing men don't get is that the sex/lust bit lasts, what, 2 years tops. After that, the only thing that matters is compatibility. He has no idea about compatibility, he doesn't know this woman at all to live with. A close SN pal had a first marriage split, and no fewer than 8 children were left living with someone else's Dad. I sometimes look at the resultant couples and wonder if they think "was it all worth it?", now that the former object of lust has become just another partner, mooching around in trackies and watching Big Brother. Well, he will find that all out for himself. Can you have a glass of wine and a few crafty fags, that always helps me.

[sickofsocalledexperts]

He would be lucky to get joint custody, but at least you will get a break. One weekeday night and every other weekend is a far more normal arrangement. Plus, he is going to have to give you a big chunk of his salary.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

One week night and every other w/e was my thought, too. Or maybe a long w/e every other. DS2 needs stability and security, as does DS3, not some 50/50 split to suit his mistress.

[Ben10WasTheSpawnNowWeLoveLego]

Just read your other thread. bastard

[zen1]

How awful for you Ellen; so sorry. Can't believe the one week with you, one week with him suggestion. Surely he must appreciate how that would affect DS2??

[dietstartstmoz]

Oh Ellen I'm so sorry to hear this. Hope you're holding up OK. I guess your H is still there, hope he gets his sorry ass out soon so you can have some space and some time to yourself. Sending you a big MN hug and a . Keep us posted. XXX

[unpa1dcar3r]

Oh Ellen, Just read the 1st 2 pages on other thread. You poor lass. No wonder you're stressed out with the kids and the home, plus working too...Not surprising you're snappy with him. Sounds like maybe if he was more supportive in general everyday ways you may not have been so stressed! He probably thinks he does his share but I bet he doesn't!
(e.g when was the last time he cleaned the bathroom/polished/cleaned the windows/ bathed the kids/ took them out to give u a break/read them a bedtime story?)
Maybe he does do all these things but I've yet to meet a bloke who does!

Financially you'll get help with benefits etc..and he will have to pay something so you won't be destitute. I know if your child is on high rate they pay something for the mortgage if you're not working but I don't know how this works if you are. You'd need some benefits advice.

I'm in the process of seperating too and it's not easy even though ours is relatively amicable and it was my decision.
Good luck and hope you're ok
Big hugs

[Agnesdipesto]

Sorry to hear this. Get some legal advice before govt ditch legal aid. My friend's DH (no SN kids) wanted to have the kids half the time and I think that was purely so he didn't have to pay her for having them. If they have the 2 big salaries I would keep the kids for over 50% of time and make a whopping CSA case. These OW often get cold feet when they realise CSA will assess their income jointly and give you a big chunk of her money for your kids. Also if he has the kids in the week how is he going to pick them up from school? Or is he expecting you to do that still (as my friend's DH did), turns out he meant he only wanted them after 6pm.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

Thanks all, much appreciated. I told him to leave this morning, the kids think he's away working. He's been sneaking out for a 'run' to have a quickie with her. Every Tues evening when he was 'visiting his dad' he was with her.

[auntevil]

Haven't read your thread Ellen, but ime, make sure you get a good £deal. He may think that he can squirm his way out of his physical presence, but his responsibilities to provide go on.
Have you got a good support network around that you can call on for breaks etc so that you are not reliant on him for respite?
Very sad to hear your news, but i hope that this is at the bottom of a curve and that you come out stronger, happier and in control (bl*y LEA, Schools etc excepted!).

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

H has a very flexible job, he could work long hours on his week off and short on his week on, but I just don't think the 2 homes thing would be right for DS2.

[dietstartstmoz]

So sounds like he's gone then. What a tosser he sounds. So sorry you have to go through this. Hope you have good support in RL, as well as MN of course.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

Problem is, he thinks he'd quite like custody. I don't think the OW would be living with him on the week they have their kids, only on their week off, so I'm not sure how that would be viewed legally.

[auntevil]

Can you get some written support for this from some of the professionals who know DS?
If your H is anything like mine, he would not even know who your DS has regular contact with - teacher, paediatrician etc, let alone contact details. Could be useful to get in advance in case he tries to fight for the alternate week mess. From friends that have that arrangement with NT kids - it doesn't work and is very unsettling.