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Apparently, ds's SN are my fault for not having insisted on a caesarian

(24 Posts)
alexpolismum Mon 05-Sep-11 15:33:17

So MIL and SIL said today sad

They are convinced his traumatic birth caused ds2's problems. He was breech and yes, it was horrendous, BUT we don't really know whether this caused the problem or whether he would have been like that anyway.

I had no way of knowing, and when I gave birth to ds2, I took the obstetrician's advice, and he said it was best to go ahead with a natural birth.

Now it seems that I am to blame for ds2's SN.

I didn't bother arguing with them. But it is getting me down. sad Please come on and give me a virtual hug and pat on the back.

DrSeuss Mon 05-Sep-11 15:45:41

So sorry to hear that anyone can be so insensitive. Big, big hugs. You did the best you could do with the information available at the time and most likely he would have SN anyway. Tell them that if they can't accept your son and you as you are they needn't bother coming to see you and IMO, you should not visit them if this is a sample of their behaviour. Pair of bitches!

coff33pot Mon 05-Sep-11 15:51:12

Tell them know what.

I am sending you a virtual hug and to them a virtual two fingers up grin

It is so easy to lay blame on people and the mum is always the first target.

For your info my DS was wedged breach, they wanted to try to turn him but said because hes flegs were right into my pelvis it could be tricky but they wanted to try, something told me not. Glad I didnt as when he was born he had two true knots in his cord.

He was born by emergency cesarean (one was planned but I didnt quite make it that far)

He is still being assessed for AS regardless of whether he had a helping hand out into the world or I had him natural I was told it would have made no difference. So it is absolutely NOT your fault smile

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 05-Sep-11 15:54:22

So what have mothers with disabled children born by c/s done wrong then?

Because, you know, whatever the case it is always the mother's fault.....

FWIW, all things being equal, a VBirth is the safest and best start for any baby. You would have been puting him at risk (albiet a very small one) by going for an unnecessary c/s.

WilsonFrickett Mon 05-Sep-11 16:17:22

Well. For the first time I get to use my very favourite MN expression.

Tell them to fuck right of and when they get there, tell them to fuck off a little bit more.

OF COURSE it wasn't your fault. angry on your behalf. What an insensitive thing to say. For a lot of our kids we will never know what 'caused' their SN - if 'caused' is even the right word, doesn't most research round ASD etc think it's a 'wiring issue'? and trying to find something or someone to blame is not helpful at all.

IndigoBell Mon 05-Sep-11 18:21:34

There's an awful lot of people out there who think that CS causes some SN, because the baby doesn't release some hormone they're meant to release as they are born....

I blame some of DSs SN on me not only having a CS, but then being unable to BF.........

But obviously your ILs are twats and don't deserve the privilege of speaking to you ever again.

bigbluebus Mon 05-Sep-11 18:38:50

What do they think they will achieve by finding out who/what might be to blame for your DS2's SN?. DS2 is who he is and they would be better concentrating their efforts on supporting you with practical help and helping DS2 achieve the best he can in his life. Blaming the type of birth that he had is not going to help anyone and is something that can't be changed even if it was responsible for your DS's difficulties.
Big hugs to you - you've got enough to deal with without unhelpful relatives sticking their oar in!

justaboutstillhere Mon 05-Sep-11 18:42:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

post Mon 05-Sep-11 18:54:32

I've wasted many, many hours worrying that ds2's disabilities were caused/ exacerbated by his having been born by c-section. Truth is, it's unlikely, I did my best at the time, and I'll never know.
Even if it's true, so what? What are any of us going to do about it now, except love them, care for them, do our best?
Oh, yes. We're doing that anyway....

Becaroooo Mon 05-Sep-11 19:04:33

Thats dreadful shock

My ds1 was natural birth, no pain relief, no issues in pg....what did I do "wrong" then????

Agree with justa btw angry

pigletmania Mon 05-Sep-11 19:07:32

What an awful thing to say big virtual hugs sad. Yes as others have said, if they cannot accept your ds as he is than they should not bother seeing him with, he and you do not need those negative vibes around.

eaglewings Mon 05-Sep-11 19:08:32

Virtual hug and some thick skin to fend of ridiculous comments flying your way.

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 05-Sep-11 19:36:12

YOu could take the steiner view and say it was caused by all the negative energy around him and look very pointedly at them.

Just don't get me started on Steiner people and their helpful suggestions that I a.move from London (btw I don't live in London, but never let facts prevail) and b.get rid of our microwave and tv.

MangoMonster Mon 05-Sep-11 19:43:57

Big hugs. How awful of them. I too have spent too much time wondering if my ds visual problems were a result of...using deep heat for backache when crippled at 20 weeks... The really long difficult birth or perhaps the medication he was on for his severe reflux. Truth is I'll never know and it's also highly unlikely. Best for everyone to accept and concentrate on helping dc. I think most mums think about what could have caused disabilities in their children but it's not useful in any way so it's it even more thoughtless of them to put this crap on you. Really feel for you. Please try to grow a thick skin and ignore these ignorant comments.

survivingsummer Mon 05-Sep-11 20:23:49

I had traumatic births with both my kids - DS was vaginal delivery (in the end) and is NT, DD was C-Section and has brain damage. Maybe your MIL and SIL would have an answer for that one?? confused

That is awful to 'blame' you or even to apportion reasons for your DS's SN these things happen and most of the time we will never know the reasons why. I completely understand why it is getting you down...

WilsonFrickett Mon 05-Sep-11 20:30:07

Oh Starlight I do love a Steinerism... one of my besties is a classroom asst and she doesn't half come out with some corkers. My personal favourite being that they don't play football because a ball is round. Like a head. And a head is sacred. So they don't play football. grin

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 05-Sep-11 20:45:30

Oh, I'm definately using that. I HATE football.

Actually scrap that, I LOVE football. All the shops/theme parks/cinemas etc are empty on important match days.

WilsonFrickett Mon 05-Sep-11 21:52:22

Theme parks Star? grin

And, they don't put faces on dolls. That is just frickin weird...

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 05-Sep-11 22:07:51

They seem to believe that SNs are the person's own fault, or their parents.

I don't listen to enough to know much about it if I'm honest but they are VERY close relatives that, thankfully, are not close enough to much more than send me little messages through the post as emails are electronic and bad.

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 05-Sep-11 22:08:41

not close distance-wise I mean. They're in Oz.

StillinMyPJs Mon 05-Sep-11 22:31:07

It is strange how some people latch onto the mode of delivery of the child and think that that is the reason for SNs and many other things - a friend of mine and his mum are going through a really difficult patch at the moment and he blames some of his emotional issues on the fact that his mother had a cs (without which one of them would be dead) and so did not get to hold him immediately after he was born hmm

My DH occasionally goes through phases of wondering whether ds's short, drug free, uncomplicated water birth was the cause of all his issues and completely ignores the fact that ds's metabolic screen showed up something that could explain it. This usually corresponds to one of his denial phases.

I am not condoning this but I do think that people think this way because a 'birth injury' is just bad luck, yet something that is probably genetic, as in our case, tends to put the blame on something a bit more personal.

My FIL was devastated when we found out on the 20 week scan that ds would have club feet. His sister had club feet and FIL felt responsible for passing the gene onto his grandson. It didn't matter that he had no control over it. As it happens the club feet are the least of our worries.

Triggles Tue 06-Sep-11 00:20:57

I often wonder if the meds I was on when 4 wks pregnant (and after having 2 blood tests which were neg, obviously didn't know I was pregnant), had to have an unplanned appendectomy. I suppose I could have refused the surgery and meds, just in case I was pregnant, but then.. oh wait.. I'm pretty sure rupture of the appendix and the resulting peritonitis isn't really healthy for a pregnancy either. Hmmm.....

Not worth stressing over. Can't change it. Didn't know about the pregnancy, had to make decisions based on the information I had at the time. And that is all you can do.

Your ILs can take a long walk off a short pier. They've obviously got their own issues to deal with. Ignore them. (I know, easier said than done most likely)

alexpolismum Tue 06-Sep-11 05:21:27

Thank you for all the support, everyone. Sorry to disappear yesterday, I had to take ds2 to the hospital.

I know there's no point worrying about 'who's to blame', I don't generally (I'm too busy getting on with life and caring for ds2!) but sometimes it does wear you down. And I have asked myself enough searching questions, I don't need any help from MIL and SIL to try and feel guilty!

As it turns out, I spoke to dh about it afterwards, MIL blames dh's cousin for having had a CS, apparently that caused her son's ASD! So it seems you can't win with her. Plus, dh has shouted at them both had a word with MIL and SIL over their behaviour.

I think StillinMyPJs is right - a birth injury is a convenient thing to blame.

Becaroooo Tue 06-Sep-11 08:49:40

Glad your dh has told them off!!

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