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Intense need to scream right now

(33 Posts)
Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 13:46:24

DH is still trying to come to grips with things, meds IMO are not working for his depression. So he has been hostile and inappropriately nasty to everyone today. So even though I'm up to my eyeballs in sorting and working on paperwork for a number of things, I'm dealing with both boys. DS2 is currently in his room in meltdown because I won't let him play with my books (as opposed to children's books).

DH is downstairs ignoring it all. I suppose in a way at least if he is ignoring it, at least he's not shouting. But I've spent the last 2 hours dealing with DS2, instead of getting my paperwork done. So now I'll have to spend this evening ironing for next week's school, finishing paperwork, after getting supper coordinated and getting both boys to bed (because DH again is too stroppy to properly deal with boys).

I could just scream. And if I hear one more time "you just don't understand" I may just scream anyway. What I understand is that he can control things (mostly) when we're out in public or when MIL is here, but not with us, his family, his CHILDREN. I am fast reaching the end of my patience with this.

DS2 cannot cope with all the shouting and stress. So he's more upset and prone to meltdown. And then DH goes off about it. It's making me more and more angry at DH that he can't see what he's doing to everyone around him. Or doesn't want to see, because that would be a step towards admitting that he's being awful.

MangoMonster Sun 04-Sep-11 13:54:23

Must be very frustrating, sorry don't have a good advice but didn't want to read and run. Depression is an awful illness, but there's probably only so much you can put up with before it becomes a real drain on you and your children.

cansu Sun 04-Sep-11 14:48:24

Have experienced a tiny bit of this with dp who quite often goes into misery mode on Sundays as he says he can't cope with his job. He is then useless all day and is often snappy and unpleasant; usually slopes off to bed in middle of pm. I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with this everyday. It must be awful. Having had a pretty torrid time with dp I eventually wrote him a bloody letter spelling out how I felt and what I intended to do (ie leave him) this has helped somewhat as it seems to have made him think about what he would be losing. However, I know this approach isn't for everyone.

unpa1dcar3r Sun 04-Sep-11 14:53:28

Poor Triggles. What a strain for you coping alone with all this.
I think it's a bloke thing, which is why I've recently ended my 18 yr relationship with mine. It's all so much calmer when he's at work which is saying something cos i've had 2 SLD boys off for 7 weeks!
All my mates even with non disabled kids say their partners are miserable sods when it comes to the kids and the home etc.
Not tarring all blokes the same but seems to be a part of most of them!

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 15:04:20

Personally, I think a large part of it is that these new meds are not working for him. And the GP is a stupid prat. (okay, that may be a separate issue)

He's been off work for 2 months. I anticipate another month off, as I've seen him get worse the last couple weeks.

I recorded him mid-rant today when he didn't realise it with my mobile. I may play it back for him when he seems a bit more lucid and see what his reaction is. I am hoping it will shock him into making more of an effort and actively working on this problem. And I don't care how bad our finances are, I am paying for someone to see him professionally, as the GP says there's no actual counselling available on the NHS. (not to mention it takes FOUR MONTHS to get past the waiting list to speak to anyone - on the phone - no matter how bad you are) So I am looking up some possibilities. I am thinking he needs CBT to learn how to cope/deal with anger as well as the depression. He has some very bad coping skills and doesn't deal with stress well at all.

He has literally no patience whatsoever with DS2, and that makes me livid. So here I am, single parenting 2 small children (and occasionally 2 adult children) and my "stroppy teenager" DH. hmm

glitch Sun 04-Sep-11 15:08:57

Can you get him to go out? The cinema, a swim, his family? Just anywhere for a bit? It means his stress will be out of your face for a while making everything calmer for you and the children.

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 15:33:41

No. He won't. First of all, no money until tomorrow. And if I ask or suggest he go anywhere he will go off and accuse me of trying to get rid of him or trying to make him leave permanently. He has paranoid down to an art form right now.

And I can't really go anywhere with the boys either - getting close to supper, and their evening routines are pretty much carved in stone. School tomorrow so at least DS2 won't have to listen to him shouting for most of the day. And DS3 will nap for a few hours so he won't hear it either. just me... hmm

I'm going to tell DH I want to come along on his appointment on Tuesday and tell the wretched GP that these meds are useless. And I'm sure she won't like it, as she still remembers our last encounter. grin Useless cow.

unpa1dcar3r Sun 04-Sep-11 16:31:50

The trouble with doctors is they treat the illness and not the person. They also do not take into account the needs of the carer who is putting up with all this!
You may do well to empasise (make an appt for yourself) that you are struggling with not only a disabled child but a disabled husband too and that you need some help dealing with this.
Have you had your carers assessment of needs done? If not get it done and if you have get it changed to include your present problems with husband. You need a break love and you're not getting one are you.
Tell SS that if you don't get some help you will seriously crack and then they're gonna have their hands full!

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 16:41:56

Oh god, no I'm not willing to get ss involved! The OT mentioned that was available the other day, but I'm concerned what they would say. I don't want their interference.

I DID go in for an appointment with nurse practitioner saying I was having difficulties coping - cried in front of her, which I absolutely HATE doing but couldn't help it as so stressed - and what did she say? "you'll cope... that's what women do..." yep. That was helpful.

intothewest Sun 04-Sep-11 17:01:40

Hi,TRIGGLES- Could you get to see a different doctor-or get her to refer you(him) to a specialist in depression ?(I know there was one who came to our surgery)

It is draining living with someone who is depressed-What I would suggest is you do something for YOU...even if it's going for a walk;a yoga class(that would help DH too)

I eventually did get SS involved to get direct payments-It's worked for us;they only pop up every year or so to update assessment-and they helped us to get a carer through an agency-Things are not perfect here(far from it !)but at least we get a break every do often.

yep..nurse sounds helpful.....

Becaroooo Sun 04-Sep-11 17:33:22

Definately different GP!! Am only now being dx with RA after my (old) GP retired and I saw a locum by chance!!!

Nurse sounds awful...complain to the Practise manager!

Really sorry you are going through this sad

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 17:45:59

sorry. I really shouldn't be such a moaner. I know there are others with things much worse.

I can't really go anywhere like a class or anything. I can't leave the boys with him, he's not able to cope with them.

(Adult) DD is coming over next week during the day to watch DS3 so DH & I can go out to lunch and go into town for an hour or so while DS2 is in school. I don't like to rely on her too much, as she has a 5yo as well, and he spends all his time trying to wind up DS2 because he thinks it's funny. hmm So only here and there when she's not working and her son is in school, really. I'm hoping it's a phase her 5yo is going through, as I've had to speak to him a couple times when he's been at our house about it. If it doesn't change pretty damn quick, I'll be speaking to her about it directly. I don't tolerate that at all. (yep, I know.. more stress, eh?)

At this point, as I said, I'll happily mess up our budget more to pay for private counselling if it'll help. It's a priority.

unpa1dcar3r Sun 04-Sep-11 17:58:48

Have you had bad experiences with SS Triggles? Or are you just scared they'll take the kids away? Cos they defo won't do that; too damn expensive for them haha.
I know a lot of people are wary (myself inc cos mine are totally crap at best) but they are meant to be there to help you cope by arranging some respite/breaks etc.

Becaroooo Sun 04-Sep-11 17:59:27

I think you have every right to must be exhausted sad

I agree with the help being a priority...we are paying privately to get ds1 the help he needs and whilst it is galling to have to at least we can

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 18:29:52

I personally haven't had any bad experiences with ss. It's just that the only contact I've ever had with them has been through when I was working (in police department for quite a few years) and it was always in the context of child welfare, so even though logically I know they're there to help, my brain rather short circuits a bit. I don't think I need antidepressants myself, I don't know if I'm technically depressed or not at this point - I'm so stressed and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going at any given point. hmm But yes, I suppose on some level I'm worried about them taking the kids away, even though logically I know they wouldn't.

I'm not comfortable with respite either, to be honest. DS2 would not handle it well, being with someone else. I don't really think it's respite we need, as I at least get some respite during the school day. DS2 at school, then hopefully DS3 takes his nap, so provided DH leaves me alone for an hour or two, I might get an hour or two to clean or work on my paperwork in peace.

smugtandemfeeder Sun 04-Sep-11 18:36:42

Triggles, every post you write I could have written myself. We have two days without DS but for some reason it doesn't help at all and I have no idea why. I know having a DH who is struggling is emotionally demanding so perhaps you don't really get a break. I'm going through much the same as you but sounds like you get even less of a break than me.

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 18:40:30

I could deal with everything else, if he'd just treat the boys well. But he's so damn mean and nasty it just aggravates me.

unpa1dcar3r Sun 04-Sep-11 18:50:52

I so sympathise Triggles, it breaks my heart to hear mine talk to youngest...although since I gave him a rocket up his arse he's improved a bit but it's like it's an effort if you know what I mean. I don't understand why it doesn't come naturally to most men (not all, before I get shot down)
I'm hoping that with him not living here soon he will appreciate the wonderfulness of his sons more!

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 18:59:09

DH has gotten caught up in an online game (not WOW grin before anyone asks, but a FB game) and spends every minute he can there. I suspect somewhat it's escapism but he gets positively evil if he's interrupted or asked to step away from it for anything. Ignores the kids, then shouts at them. Ignores the dog, then cusses at it when it wants to go out or some attention. He never used to be a big online person previously, so I rather suspect it's directly related to the depression.

He is insisting he does not want me to go to his GP appointment. I've given him a couple questions (I'm going to write the damn things down!) and told him he NEEDS to ask them - what's going on with his meds? Can he be referred to a specialist? Are these meds working - how much longer before they should be expected to kick in? If longer, can't they be taken at night instead of in morning as they make him groggy and it completely messes up his sleeping patterns (which makes him even more irritable, if that's possible!!)?

EllenJaneisnotmyname Sun 04-Sep-11 19:10:52

Hi Triggles. Sorry to hear it's so hard at the moment. I haven't any experience with SS locally but you do sound like you could do with some help. Hopefully it's a temporary blip and once you get the right meds sorted out things will calm down somewhat. It will all seem better once DS2 is back at school. 6 weeks is too long...

I've got counselling booked for DH and myself on Friday. A lot of it is down to me being such a strong personality and him being totally shite at communicating his feelings. Hopefully we can get together and compare notes? grin

smugtandemfeeder Sun 04-Sep-11 19:30:48

They lose all sense of what is rational. I've just had a heated debate with DH about whether DS needs to be strapped into car seat to drive round the corner from our house. It ended with him saying "I don't know. Perhaps you ought to do the whole bedtime routine from now on." I mean WTF. There's just nothing you can say to make them see your point of view. Apparently I never back down but how can you when they are being irrational/unhelpful/dangerous. We have to be the strong ones - very hard - I'm struggling with that.

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 19:52:26

yes, smug - I can only assume we're married to the same person. LOL

Ellen - yes, but the 6 weeks would be tolerable if DH wasn't being so difficult. I LOVE having DS2 home from school, but not like this. Best of luck to you both with the counselling. I'm thinking that DH & I may have to go that route as well. And I'm happy to meet for coffee any school day, just will have to bring DS3 with me as I can't leave him at home.

coff33pot Sun 04-Sep-11 21:27:35

I know I said this before Triggles but cant your DH stay with your MIL for a while till the meds kick in at least?

Just wondered perhaps you could discuss it and if he asks why or that you are getting rid of him, then show him the video you made but put it in a way that you feel that HE needs a break and needs a chance to chill out in peace and that now he has seen his behaviour on video say surely he can now understand that it isnt helping the situation with DS or him and that you are really concerned for him? Sort the meds once and for all with your GP or proper counceling? Maybe he could just sleep overnight and come over during the day but the time he gets stressed walk back to his mums?

I can see its you and the kids that really need the break but if you turn the tables for concern for him he just might accept it maybe and then give you both space to recuperate perhaps.

The only other thing I can think of is when he is having a huge outburst cram him in a car and drive him to an A & E and insist someone sees him before he cracks. Maybe then he and you will get taken seriously and he will get decent help.

chocjunkie Sun 04-Sep-11 21:48:21

sorry, triggles, you are going through this.

my DP is also suffering from depression; has been on and off meds (meds did not help, just made him eat) and he is constantly miserable. but he is taking it out on me rather than the kids (probably the lesser of the two evils hmm).

any chance you can convince DH to go to the GP together. I found that our (crap) GP took DH's problems much more serious when we both showed up for the appointment and we managed to get him referred that way...

Triggles Mon 05-Sep-11 00:06:42

No, he absolutely refuses to allow me to go with him. I think he feels like I am considering him a child, even though I've explained that this GP is a numpty and I realise that he is stressed and having difficulty remembering things and wanted to be there to be of help to him.

He regards any suggestion whatsoever of him staying elsewhere even for one night as me kicking him out. I think it's the paranoia, to be honest.

I played the video for him. He listened about halfway, said he didn't want to continue, but I insisted, as the worst was on the second half. He looked shocked and upset that he had spoken that way, and I'm hoping it's shaken him up enough to realise that he simply cannot behave that way towards or in front of our boys. DS2 starts school tomorrow, so that will be a bit of pressure off, as I know he will be somewhere he enjoys during the day without DH winding him up by shouting. I am hoping that the routine of school being back in session will help DH settle into normal schedule as well and start working on getting better.

Honestly, I'd rather he take it out on me than the kids. I can fight back verbally. They just can't. Which is why I tend to jump in right away, sort of drawing the fire, so to speak.

We'll see how tomorrow goes and just take it one day at a time, I suppose. Not holding much hope out though, as I asked him to go to bed at a decent time and he's still up watching tv downstairs. sigh... and we get up early (and I get up during the night due to DS2)

I don't really think there'll be any major improvement until he is seeing a counsellor regularly. He's going to ask GP again for referral, but I'm not counting on it - she's literally useless. I just start looking up private offices. Money's tight, but we'll make it work, as this is important.

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